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The animal kingdom is a well-developed social system. Within each species, this system establishes orderly relationships among its members. Also known as a pecking order, this system allows the animals to function efficiently and as a unit when necessary.
When it comes to humans, the same principles apply. This may not be breaking news to you, but marriage is not immune.
Throughout the centuries, men have often lost their way within this system. This is not another attack at the fact that men are sometimes navigationally challenged. It’s a recognition that masculinity is being lost in our society. Men have stopped taking the lead in families and marriage.
Now before you blast me with feminatzi newsletters and slogans, allow me to explain.
Groups of people thrive when a leader is present. While this is contingent on the leader and their ability, having a leader is better than not. Our societies, and more importantly, our marriages, need men to step up and lead.
Most of the women I’ve counseled and talked with say they long for their husband to take the lead in the marriage. This is beyond the old joke of saying I wear the pants in the family, only my wife picks them out for me each day.
It’s time for men to truly step up.
Here’s a few idea to get you started.
- Don’t seek the easy way out of things. Be willing to roll up your sleeves and break a sweat. Whether at work, around the house, or during difficult times with your wife. Sometimes it seems easier to check out. Disappear. Go hang out with the guys, or turn on the TV and disengage for the evening rather than stay in the discussion.
Seek out her point of view and listen with an open mind. Give her your point of view, but donâ€™t beat her over the head with it. Take the lead in marriage by being able to accept your wife’s influence and incorporate it into your thoughts and decisions. Too many men choose to be dominated by their wife in order to avoid conflict.
- Provide for your family. This comes naturally for most men as men are often the primary breadwinner. But being a husband and a father is more than earning money. Be present in your wife’s life. Spend time with her on her turf. That doesn’t mean you must go on shopping sprees or even visit the spa, but you do need to seek her out and join her in her world. The same goes for your children.
- Live by example. Each man can say they care for their family, marriage, job, whatever. But do you show it with your actions. A good friend of mine had a policy he shared with his co-workers and assistants at work; any call from his wife or kids was to always be put through to him. Now to be fair, his family knew this as well and didn’t frequently call to go over the grocery list. But he demonstrated that his family was important to him, and his clients respected him more for it in the end.
- Speak up. Next time your wife asks what you think about something, tell her. Now if the question involves does such-and-such make me look fat, use your own discretion. This point is not meant to bring about an argument but speak up when you have a thought on an issue. Many couples seem to think that if there is a difference of opinion, all hell will break loose.
Marriage is not about winning and losing. Discussions are the same. If you feel you need to win when it comes to how you approach topics of discussion with your wife, answer me this: what’s it like being married to a loser? If you always must win, what’s that make her?
- Tune into your wife during sex. There are many wives who say that sex in marriage is an obligation. It’s part of the unspoken marriage agreement. The problem with this obligation, the woman may begin to disconnect or tune out her own desires. She may feel she isn’t entitled to pleasure since sex becomes more about pleasing the man.
One thing you can do as a husband is learn how to â€œtake her.â€ Figure out her pleasure points. Focus on her experience. Learn about her body. Her erotic passions. Her fantasies. Tuning into her will invite her to be more present when you’re together. The goal of having her more present is not a higher quantity of sex, but a higher quality. And who wouldn’t want that?
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