Top iTunes Marriage Podcast

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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

A Great Cake Recipe #605

Come join the conversations in the SMRNation Community at my.passionatelymarried.net

On the Regular Version …

Welcome to the new digs … Passionately Married.

Today we discuss a great cake recipe …. as in a recipe for creating a great life and marriage.

What are the ingredients that make up a great cake of life and marriage?

On the Extended Version …

For the past 6 years we’ve used the 3 words model of setting the course for a new year. Rather than New Year’s resolutions, we have 3 words that help chart our goals and paths.

Enjoy the show!

Sponsors …

Better Help: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/passionate and get on your way to being your best self.

Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps!  If your review is chosen and read on the podcast (anonymously, of course!), you’ll win a very special prize!

Got a question?


Call/Text us at  214-702-9565

or email us at feedback@passionatelymarried.net

Corey Allan: Coming up next on the Passionately Married Podcast ...

Pam Allan: Different parts of the life, things mean different things, right?

Corey Allan: Right, and one of the things we have to do is recognize the importance of adjusting to how things are, because when you live according to how things work rather than how you want them to be, relationships in life, I think become more productive and gratifying. Another way of saying this is, "How often do things not go my way and I yell at the wind rather than adjust my sails?" Welcome to our new digs, and the Passionately Married Podcast.

Pam Allan: Excited to be here. I'm excited.

Corey Allan: I'm Dr. Corey Allan, and alongside my wife. We are going to continue to explore the wisdom and skills of some of the smartest relationship minds out there, and we want to have in-depth conversations that explore topics in every life and relationship we're going to face, and we want to offer conversation starters and actions that you can take that will propel your life and your marriage forward, because now that we're going under as 2023 has now hit and it's Passionately Married is our content in the show and the site, so there's been an overhaul of a lot of things, so-

Pam Allan: Yeah, yeah. You've been working really, really hard.

Corey Allan: So come find us, passionatelymarried.net. Then also, as part of this shift and pivot we're making, the network or the platform we have is, it's shifted as well and already an influx of people, so welcome to the people that found the nation.

Pam Allan: That's been fun.

Corey Allan: We're also heading to all of the social medias, if you will, with Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. We've already been on YouTube, but we're going to just have more video shows starting to come out on YouTube in the future.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: You can find them on any of those platforms just with the words, Passionatelymarried, all together, one word, lowercase.

Pam Allan: Those words as one word.

Corey Allan: Well, I English well in 2023, apparently.

Pam Allan: Awesome. I like it. I like it.

Corey Allan: Well, if you're new to the show, and let's face it, everybody's new to this version of the show, one of the best ways you can tell your friends about Passionately Married is our episode Starter Packs, the collections of our favorite episodes organized by topic, and they will help you get a taste of everything we do, so go to passionatelymarried.net/starter, and you can jump in, catch up, or spread the word. If you've got some feedback and you want us to talk you about it or find somebody that, or expand more, this is listener driven radio still, just like it was for the 11 years we've been on the air thus far. Let us know by giving us a call, 214-702-9565, and mark this, email us feedback@passionatelymarried.net.

Pam Allan: All right, the new email, it's going to be hard. That doesn't roll off the tongue yet.

Corey Allan: It doesn't ... Yeah, after 11 years, 604 episodes with the old email. It'll take some time, and actually, those of you that want to keep track, how many times do we say the wrong thing, 'cause it could happen?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Well, coming up on today's regular free version of the Passionately Married Podcast, Pam and I are having a conversation about, what does it take to create a life and a marriage-fully life? What are the aspects, because 2023 is a great opportunity to look forward, and plan, and shift, and adjust, and that's what we want to just help people refine and tweak. How do you create vibrant lives that's, encompasses all aspects of our life and marriage? On the extended version of the show today, we are going to dive into something we've done for years now, which is the three words that we got from Chris Brogan, is the idea.

Pam Allan: That's right.

Corey Allan: So rather than a New Year's resolution, what if you do three words?

Pam Allan: Set the stage for what you're wanting to focus on for a year, yeah.

Corey Allan: So if you want the extended content, you can join us where the conversations go deeper, longer, and there are no ads. You can subscribe at passionatelymarried.net/academy. Also note the different addresses. Everything should forward just by way of anything you're trying to find in the old, it'll redirect to the new, but that's how you can find us and join in the conversation 'cause we'd love for you to share your three words after you hear the extended content, so all that's coming up on today's show. I believe there's a lot of times where we look at life as it's evolved, and we wonder, "Where did some things go?" I think this particularly happens with marriage, and particularly happens with our sex lives too.

Pam Allan: Okay, where did some things go?

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Fill me in on an example of what-

Corey Allan: Like where'd the energy go? Where did the vibrancy go? Where did the desire go? Where at the stage of where we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I used to have this vigor with life, or our relationship, and we couldn't wait to be with each other, and now you look and you go, "Man, I don't know if I even feel anything like I did before." I don't know if that necessarily is a bad thing in the sense of we can label it as bad, but I think it's also important to recognize it's an evolution of things.

Pam Allan: There is an evolution of things. That's been really poignant to me over the last year or two.

Corey Allan: How so?

Pam Allan: Just thinking of aging parents and how we're seeing things change for them and how that dynamic differs, even just the little things like, what does the Christmas time and the holidays mean to you when you don't have the little ones at home, or it's family that's far away, or you've lost a spouse, and different parts of life, things mean different things, right?

Corey Allan: Right, and one of the things we have to do is recognize the importance of adjusting to how things are, because when you live according to how things work rather than how you want them to be, relationships in life, I think become more productive and gratifying. Another way of saying this is, "How often do things not go my way and I yell at the wind rather than adjust my sails?," because there are some constants in life and there are some constants in relationships that are just dynamics. What has shaped our dialogues on this show for over 11 years now is talking about the natural dynamics that occur in every relationship and in every life. That's what we want to keep doing and we'll continue to keep doing, because nuances and subtleties matter, but some consistencies will just be there.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Namely marriage is designed to help you grow up, life requires facing it head on.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: There's just some truth. Like gravity, there's just truth.

Pam Allan: It's true.

Corey Allan: It's just there, right?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So I think we need to look at, just as we start this whole pivot that we've got going on, I think I want to look at, "What does it take to create a life in a marriage that's fully alive? What are some aspects of ..." 'Cause I think there's some ingredients that are necessary for it.

Pam Allan: I would agree.

Corey Allan: Right? Because it's easy to see it through the lens of what used to be and what I wish it was, and the idealized or the nostalgic.

Pam Allan: That feels like you're chasing something that isn't just unattainable.

Corey Allan: Exactly, because what happens about what the nostalgia is you're not the same person that's remembering what once was.

Pam Allan: And don't we twist our memories? I mean, they could be twisted for the better and for the worse.

Corey Allan: If there is one thing that is fallible is it is our memory.

Pam Allan: Mind, for sure. Uh-oh.

Corey Allan: Everybody. I mean, there's all kinds of data out there. Malcolm Gladwell has a book on it that is so fantastic of, that when things don't go right, we have time slice memory gaps. He even referenced a study of what happened when the Twin Towers went down and had people write down where they were the day it happened, and they wrote it in their own handwriting, and then they came back. The study came back to them a year later, five years later, and 10 years later, and over 50% of them, if I'm remembering right did not remember it as they wrote down, and one of them actually said, "I know this is my handwriting, but that's not true."

Pam Allan: Oh, interesting.

Corey Allan: They were so convinced that their memory had-

Pam Allan: Interesting.

Corey Allan: And what it was today.

Pam Allan: And even you, you're saying even 50% if I'm remembering it right.

Corey Allan: Right. Nicely played.

Pam Allan: Yeah, it ... Yeah.

Corey Allan: But there's some dynamics that matter to help set the says ...

Pam Allan: Stage, gotcha.

Corey Allan: But there are some dynamics that matter because they're just universal and relational systems, and so I want to set the stage with that, and then give the three ingredients that are important, I think, for helping create vibrant lives and passionate lives, if you will.

Pam Allan: Perfect. Perfect.

Corey Allan: So one is two people in a relationship create a system. That should be a no-brainer, and systems operate according to a sets of rules and dynamics.

Pam Allan: Okay, and and by system, you mean they create a system of, "Here's how we do things as a couple."

Corey Allan: Right, and this is also, I think you can think of it, it's like the three-legged stool that it's you and I, and then this relationship that we create, and it's implemented and influenced by our presence, as well as it influences us. One of the dynamics I believe really strongly in is we don't work on our marriage, our marriage works more on us.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so those are just some practical frames to use as part of our dialogue, and one of the things that happens is in a new system where you can so easily become fused, where I cease to exist as much as an individual and you cease to exist as much of an individual, and we start to become this one brain, this one being think, if you.

Pam Allan: Well, yeah, which ... I think so many think of, "Well, aren't we supposed to become one?" Right?

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: It says the two shall become one, so where is the line of, "Oh, well, we're supposed to be one, but now we're fused and I don't have my own brain that I can think with."

Corey Allan: So on the spiritual side of things, which this is referencing scriptures for those that may not be familiar with what my wife is discussing right now ...

Pam Allan: Yeah, but a lot of our listeners are in that arena.

Corey Allan: Absolutely. Most people will be that listen to the show, so there's a scripture that talk about the two shall become one, and I think a lot of scriptures are references to things, not specific prescriptions of things, because you don't cease to exist as an individual when you say I do.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: You're still your own person. You gave up your name when you came on board with this party almost 30 years ago.

Pam Allan: I did. Yeah. Became an Allan, yes.

Corey Allan: You didn't cease to exist to be a member of the Hogue family, though. You still are a member of the Hogue family. We actually celebrated with a bunch of the Hogue family for your birthday on New Year's Eve, so it's recognizing. I think that's a reference to the two shall make one, as in children. Two people create one person.
I think there's also absolutely some spiritual implications here of there's some oneness of the knowing and being known, which is intimacy, but I still believe, because I also, on a just quick, little macro level, and then I'm going to move on to keep it getting into the ingredients more too of the show, that I believe the model for marriage comes from the Trinity, the Father, Son, the Holy Spirit.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: That they're three beings, but one. I think that's a great metaphor and picture of marriage, that we are two people that also create one thing, and so that influence matters because I can fight it in trying to get you to change to make my world better when you confide it and try to make me to change to make your world better, but some of those things are completely out of our control, and so we're just yelling at the wind more than we are really addressing anything, right?

Pam Allan: Gotcha.

Corey Allan: So in a fused relationship, our options are limited on how I can actually create a sustainable, vibrant life, because you are a necessity for my life in that instance. That make sense?

Pam Allan: Yeah, I'm following you on that.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: I'm following you on that.

Corey Allan: And so some of the phrases that I think people come across, this is what I've heard, I've even said these at times, of if I'm living more of a fused mindset is, "Because you're my son, you should always be there to listen to my problems or do as I say, 'cause you're an ally of mine and you're my flesh and blood, so therefore, you should act accordingly," or, "If you're early in a relationship, 'cause you're my boyfriend, you should always answer the phone when I call," "Cause you're my girlfriend, you should never talk to other men," "Because you're my husband, you should want to be around me as much as I want to be around you," and obviously, we can swap genders and quantifiers on this easily. "Cause you're my wife, you should want to have as much sex and as often as I want to have it with you," "Because a clean house is important to me, it should be just as important to you," and on and on and on, we can do these things.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right? Those are fused-based mindsets of, "Because this is what I want, you should want it too." Rather than facing the fact, you are a separate person. I am a separate person, and so the goal is we want to reach the point of having a mature, cooperative relationship, right?

Pam Allan: Okay, and the idea there is, I'm assuming that we understand that not everything is going to be desired exactly the same, whether it be a clean house or the amount of sex or whatever the case may be.

Corey Allan: Exactly. Right, and again, this is where we start to trip ourselves up so easily, is because we can get caught in this mindset that, "Well, you don't even desire it the way I want," rather than, "Why don't I really look at the behaviors, the actions, not the thoughts and feelings?," because if we're too fused, I get totally disrupted by your thoughts, your feelings. I take them personal, rather than, "Okay, wait. Are we working towards a common goal in some ways?"

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Well, then, yeah. "Am I totally devastated because you don't want the same common goal that I want to the level I wanted?" No. I don't need to be at that point.

Pam Allan: No.

Corey Allan: So moving towards getting a cooperative relationship actually, I think would lighten our load. It creates a life that is lighter in a good marriage.

Pam Allan: I would agree.

Corey Allan: Right?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so the way I love this framework is in ... A lot of it came from Dr. Glover, and it's the idea of creating a great cake of life.

Pam Allan: This is great phraseology. I love this part.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because too often, what we will do is we think our relationships are the primary component of our cake of life, rather than a great cake of life comes from our life is the cake. The relationship is the icing on the cake. The most satisfying components of the cake, and everybody's going to differ with me on this one, but the most satisfying, sustainable component of a cake, even though we're not talking about really wanting to live for a long time if all we ate was cake, is the cake itself, not the frosting.

Pam Allan: Right. Yeah.

Corey Allan: Frosting never fills you up, and just gives you a sugar overload.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Until you crash.

Pam Allan: Which can be enjoyable for temporarily.

Corey Allan: Maybe so, but it's ... The point is how we-

Pam Allan: We don't want temporary, though, 'cause that's not passion.

Corey Allan: No, 'cause this is-

Pam Allan: That's not a full life.

Corey Allan: This is one of those things of seeing it as the way life works means I have to look at it for the long haul, not for the short moments, because the short-lived thing may be pleasurable and feel real vibrant, but is it sustainable? That's the point of creating something bigger and beyond ourselves, and so there are three different things that are foundations for a great life and a great marriage.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Okay? They are regular strenuous exercise, good same sex-friends or same gendered friends, and then the last one is passion.

Pam Allan: Okay. Yeah. Okay, which is a little harder to define potentially than the first two.

Corey Allan: I think there's variances in there, absolutely because we get into, "What does it even really mean?," and so we'll talk about that when we start unpacking these fully.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Pam, I can't speak for you completely, but I know we would not be where we are today were it not for the help of good therapists along the way.

Pam Allan: Oh, that's for sure. Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because when we're not at our best or we don't do things great, or when we can really mess things up, it can really bog you down or make you feel overwhelmed, and you just don't show up the way you want to, and a good therapist can help you get the best version of you.

Pam Allan: That's right.

Corey Allan: Because I know my world got jump-started with the help of good therapy when things were really pretty dire for us relationally, for sure.

Pam Allan: Individually and as a couple.

Corey Allan: So if you're thinking of giving therapy a try, BetterHelp is a great option. It's convenient, flexible, affordable 'cause it's entirely online. All you got to do is fill out a brief questionnaire, get matched with the licensed therapist. You can also switch therapists anytime at no additional charge if things don't work out, because the relationship matters, just like today's show. Relationship matters. So if you want a more empowered life, therapy can help get you there.
Visit betterhelp.com/passionate. Note the new code word that we're using now that we've pivoted as well, and you get 10% off on your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com/passionate. This is, again, like I've always said, this is one therapist recommending other therapists because good help, everybody can benefit from it, and BetterHelp is a fantastic option, so let's dive into each of the components. The first is regular strenuous exercise. This is one that I think is recognized across the globe in a lot of ways, that the importance of us as human beings need to watch out for and constantly be diligent about, "How are we handling our bodies? How are we molding, shaping, and looking out for our health?," and exercise is absolutely one of those that's vital to it.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah, whether you do it just as part of your day-to-day job or you've got to be intentional about getting it if ... Health is key, right?

Corey Allan: Absolutely.

Pam Allan: We don't realize how lucky we are with health until it is taken from us.

Corey Allan: Yes. Yeah.

Pam Allan: So be proactive.

Corey Allan: And even when ... This is a quick little aside, 'cause what just came into my mind when you were talking about this is a conversation with Gary Thomas on his episode of Building a Fortress With Your Marriage, and his phrase in there, which I absolutely love was, "Even if I am at a point in my life because health has been impacted, disease, trauma, age, whatever it is, and I'm only capable of doing 40% of what I once was capable of doing, physically speaking, I still can do 100% of that 40%," and our mindset about that matters.

Pam Allan: Good point.

Corey Allan: Right, so regular strenuous exercise is important because we have evolved as a society where to be alive and sustaining, we often don't have to have as hard of work days for a majority of our population, right?

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah.

Corey Allan: We're not out hunting and farming day in and day out just to survive.

Pam Allan: No.

Corey Allan: We have no idea what it takes or what it took our ancestors 'cause all we do is drive to Kroger.

Pam Allan: Yes, every one of my groceries pretty much is from Kroger, and my work days behind a desk, and we're not alone in that with the people that are listening to the show for the most part.

Corey Allan: Absolutely, and so it's important, I think that we are ... One of the things to look at to create a great cake of life is strenuous exercise three to four times a week, and I emphasize the word strenuous here, something that builds up a sweat that gets the heart rate up, that taxes your muscles, because the recreating and the rebuilding as it's restoring enhances your life.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: This is not about getting ripped necessarily, this is just about using your body well and keeping it in the best shape you can.

Pam Allan: Yeah. I think any ... Well, I'll speak for myself, but come on, people that are listening. You tell me. Someone call me and tell me if you've started a workout program and you didn't realize how good it was, I don't care if your muscles hurt. That's just part of it, and I call that the good hurt because you know you're doing something good, but my mindset is always so much better.
I think clearer, I am a more positive person to be around when I'm doing that. There's so many positive side benefits.

Corey Allan: Yeah, and then look at the way we're framing this today, Pam. I get the benefit of that for myself, but who else benefits from it?

Pam Allan: Everybody around me.

Corey Allan: Right. Your relationship benefits from it, so regular strenuous exercise is a major component of an ingredient. Another is good same-sex friends. This is important because I think too often, we either live lonely existences, where we're isolated, and our real friend is our spouse, which sets up a scenario that's suffocating for one or both of you, because again, you fall back to that fused mindset we were talking about earlier, of, "I expect you to collaborate, interact with, be my friend," be all these components when it puts too much weight on one person's shoulders.

Pam Allan: Yeah, and it really isn't ... Well, I'll put it this way. My best friend lives ... Well, she lives in the States now, but she's lived in multiple different countries for years, and it doesn't hinder anything.

Corey Allan: Right, for years.

Pam Allan: You've got WhatsApp, you've got Google Chat and all kinds of things now that ...

Corey Allan: Great technology that we can use today, yeah.

Pam Allan: I mean, we can video talk and stay up-to-date on what's going on. We've got Bible studies remotely, and it can be done. You just have to actually make it happen.

Corey Allan: Yeah. You have to be intense about it, but you also need to be able to see the importance of it.

Pam Allan: You've got to want it. You do.

Corey Allan: Because this is about cultivating relationships that I would term them as 3:00 AM friends.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And this is where churches can come in well for this, of the relationship we can have with the Body of Christ with the Church.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: It's huge.

Pam Allan: But the 3:00 AM friend you're referring to, if something goes wrong in the middle of the night, they're the ones that are going to pick up your call in the middle of the night.

Corey Allan: They're somebody that- And they would be there to watch your kids because you need to run and take care of something, get somebody to the hospital or meet something.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: They're those kinds of allies, and they're that important, but there's also an importance of recognizing we need to be around our own kind because that's what enhances our own growth. It almost perpetuates it in some instances, because I'm not real well-versed sometimes in woman speak, even having been married to you for almost 30 years now.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: But I can see a guy starting to spin some web of conversation and go, "Really, dude?," right, because you can kind of sense it because it's your own, and I know I do that, and I'm capable of that, and so I can spot it.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: I can't spot it in a woman as easily as I can another man.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And I'm going to speculate yours could be similar in the sense that you could maybe spot that in a woman more than you could a man.

Pam Allan: Yeah. I may not be as sensitive on the tongue as maybe my friends might want me to be, but whatever.

Corey Allan: Fair enough, but-

Pam Allan: I just call it like I see it.

Corey Allan: But the importance of it is, is that challenge that we need to be among our own kind because that's what challenges and demands the most of us.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: That's the iron sharpens iron mindset.

Pam Allan: Iron sharpens iron, yes. That is-

Corey Allan: And that is a huge thing, because too often, we can still get caught in, as Dr. Glover would refer to it, as sometimes a wife can get caught in. She wants her husband to be a girlfriend with a penis, and we just are not wired the same way.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah. Throw back to old episodes about your spouse isn't your best friend, right? We've had that before, but I think that's a good point that sometimes we don't even recognize the need for having that type relationship, the same gender.

Corey Allan: And they're difficult to cultivate sometimes ...

Pam Allan: Friendship, yeah.

Corey Allan: ... because of the mobility of our world, that when you get a relationship started, it's harder if you don't run into them quite a bit.

Pam Allan: They do.

Corey Allan: You have to be a lot more intentional then, and so that's where it's recognizing, "Okay, who do I have that's in my corner?," and I really think it's, for a lot of instances I use, for me personally, I use Jesus' disciple model, that He had 12, and within the 12, He had three, and within the three, He had one.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And there's levels of depth as you get smaller in number.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So it's just looking at that and making that a priority, and then the third ingredient is passion. The framework I think of this, you were talking about how do you define it, I think of it as there's an energy, there's a responsibility, there's a respect for things I have to do in life that are required for sustaining life. "Am I passionate about it or not? Can I bring that?" This is where Mike Rowe's article he wrote on Facebook, Mike Rowe of being the Dirty Job guys, if people aren't sure, who were talking about for a second.

Pam Allan: Right, yeah. Look him up 'cause he's awesome to listen to.

Corey Allan: Yes, but he had a article on Facebook, a post that went viral because he was going against the Hollywoodisation message of follow your passion, rather, and because what he'd recognized in the tour of working with people in the Dirty Jobs Show was every one of them brought their passion with them.

Pam Allan: Okay. Right.

Corey Allan: And it was because this job needed to be done and I'm going to do it well, that's passion, right?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: There's a respect that's brought to it.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: That's passion.

Pam Allan: A work ethic and an understanding of if I can understand the benefit what I'm doing brings, I guess it's not even that. I'm-

Corey Allan: Well, that's the ... But this is where-

Pam Allan: It doesn't even necessarily you have to be the benefit my work brings, it's, "What good am I doing for my family?"

Corey Allan: "Am I being a good steward of the gifting or the role I play?"

Pam Allan: Am I being ... Exactly. Exactly.

Corey Allan: That fit,. But I think there's also a deeper meaning that passion's not necessarily a feeling. Like love's not necessarily a feeling.

Pam Allan: True.

Corey Allan: It's a bigger, broader concept. The commitment's a part of it, choice. Action's a part of it. All of that, and passion's the same thing, and so the nuances of how this has played out in my life, I'll just use this as the example, going back to my family of origin, I'm somewhat lighthearted, at least hear saying I think I was conceived in ... I think mom and dad got together and said, "We need to have a son because we need somebody to mow the lawn and unload the dishwasher."

Pam Allan: Oh, and change the channel on the TV.

Corey Allan: And change the channel on the TV before the remote control's came out, yeah, 'cause I would be sitting right next to one of my parents, "Hey, turn this to channel five," and I'd look at them like, "We're sitting right beside each other. Why do I need to do it? You do it." "All right," but to this day, when the light on the dishwasher says clean, there's still a part of me that's like, "Ah." It's a gut punch, 'cause that was my role.
That was my job. Anytime the dishwasher was cleaned, my job was to get it unloaded.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: So how have I addressed that? Well, we had kids, so that now, they can unload the dishwasher, which that's kind of become, maybe I'm passing along the family trait here, but what we did when they were little is I turned it into a game, 'cause one of the things I have found in my life that creates passion for me is make things fun, make things enjoyable for myself.

Pam Allan: Oh, you're good at it.

Corey Allan: Oh, maybe for the people around me, but for myself, for sure, so when the kids were little and they would start helping, and even I've done this now with our high school senior, I need to do this with our sophomore just 'cause it'd be fun to test it out with him again too, but we turned it into, "Okay, how fast can we unload the dishwasher without breaking anything? Ready? Go."

Pam Allan: Go.

Corey Allan: And we just had this fun. We turned on some music and do it real quick, and before we know it, we're laughing, and then it's also done.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: That's bringing passion.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Corey Allan: That's all that is. It's, "What's my orienting towards what I'm doing with my time, what I'm doing with my energy, what I'm doing with my skills?"

Pam Allan: And I think it's a recognition of, "Well, these are things that have to get done anyway," and there's a mindset that goes behind these things we do in life, and how do we realize if I come at this without passion, well, with a bad attitude, it makes everything else just to write down.

Corey Allan: Our attitude predetermines our experience.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so if you can look at it as, "Okay, what if I start to look at there are just aspects of the way things are. These are how things work," not how I wish they were.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: These are how things work, so if I can look at it that way, maybe I can start to look at the ingredients better, which is regular strenuous exercise. We can all do that. This is the time of year. A lot of gyms, memberships skyrocket.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right? I'm getting to the-

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Well, all right. Well, stick to it, because what you'll recognize is a different vibrancy and energy is going to come from it. You'll feel better, your relationship will likely be better too, and in six months from now, let us know if it's not, 'cause I'm going to be willing to bet a majority of you, it would.

Pam Allan: True, true.

Corey Allan: It would be at that point.

Pam Allan: Well, and our step number one is you. Are you better?

Corey Allan: 'Cause you can't escape the relationship with yourself, and that matters. Second is good same-sex friends. Cultivate some friendships, take them deeper, spend some time, be intentional, reach out.

Pam Allan: Start with one.

Corey Allan: And if you need some, my.passionatelymarried.net platform. There's a whole group of people that are on the Nations platform interacting and conversing a lot.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: That's a start, of put some stuff out there and see what happens.

Pam Allan: Because those are obviously like-minded people that are out here, searching for the same thing at this point.

Corey Allan: Absolutely. Join the academy. Great way to find more people and go even more and in-depth. Then, the last one is whatever you do, bring your passion with you. Do it passionately. That's part of the reason why we named this podcast this way, Passionately Married. It's an action. I'm passionately doing things.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So join us on this journey and let us know how it goes. I don't know if I can speak for you, Pam, but I love new things, like pivots and new energies that come from it.

Pam Allan: It's exciting. Yeah.

Corey Allan: I mean, 2023, there's always this element of, "Ooh, hey, it's all new. It all can change."

Pam Allan: Shiny, shiny, shiny.

Corey Allan: That's a whole different thing, of new shiny, shiny.

Pam Allan: Oh, okay.

Corey Allan: I do like new shiny, shiny too, but being able to see it as I'm launching out into new, uncharted waters, or trying something different, which is what's going on here with Passionately Married Podcast, that we're shifting it to just a different title, same show, but heading towards, "What's the great unknown now? What can become of this? What can we do?" The three words, I love the three words you got, that you're using this year, and I love the fact that our kids have come up with them and are sharing theirs.

Pam Allan: Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Corey Allan: And there's already conversations going on on the platform of, "What are your three words?," and letting people share them, letting people jump in and chart their course forward to have a life that's vibrant and alive. If you like the show, you can help us out by rating and reviewing us on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or however you listen, 'cause your comments help spread the word about the show and they can help others, and so five-star reviews help us climb the charts, and this is a personal plea from Pam and I both, that we shifted categories with where we are now listed in Apple Podcasts, and so we got to climb the charts. It's a mountain we're climbing, and with your help, we're going to climb it together, so if you like us, let us know. If we miss something, let us know because we want to just continue to help impact relationships and create vibrant lives and sex lives well into 2023 and beyond.

Pam Allan: Absolutely.

Corey Allan: Well, transcripts are available on each of the show notes of each episode's page and all our advertisers, deals, and discounts are also on each of the episodes pages at passionatelymarried.net. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Greatest compliment you can give us is to live your life boldly and passionately and share that with those that you live with. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time.