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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan
Best Of SMR: Three Kinds of Sex #447
On the Regular version of today’s show …
A look back in the SMR archives at one of the most popular shows to date. Birthday sex, shower sex, oral sex.
On the Xtended version …
The importance of boundaries in life and marriage.
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Corey Allan: Welcome back to another episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, and Merry Christmas since this one is airing originally on Christmas morning, 2019. I'm Dr. Corey Allan, flying solo this morning. Due to a confluence of a lot of things going on this holiday season, my wife, Pam, who normally sits in the chair alongside me, is busy with some family obligations. So because of all the schedule that's going on, we've got a special show today where we're looking back into the archives with some of the best of [inaudible 00:01:01], with the segments we've done over the years. But if you're new to Sexy Marriage Radio, thanks for taking the time out of your day to spend it with us. We hope that your holiday season is safe and happy and a great time to spend with your family and loved ones.
Corey Allan: If you're new also, we'd love to hear what you have to think and questions you've got or topics you'd love us to cover. You can give us a call at (214) 702-9565 is the voicemail line or feedback at sexymarriageradio.com. If you've got a question you'd love us to answer on the show, a voicemail gets you to the front of the line, but we do try to answer everything that comes in either online or off the air because we want to help make this episodes of Sexy Marriage Radio each and every week something that really does impact your marriage and helps to make it be all they can be.
Corey Allan: And as we look forward into 2020, we got some great things coming up along with the Sexy Marriage Radio getaway. More details will be coming in the coming weeks as registration will be starting soon. So coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio, is a segment from a past episode where we look at three different kinds of sex and that is birthday sex, shower sex, and oral sex. And on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper and longer, and there's no ads, you can subscribe at passionatelymarried.net, a conversation Pam and I had on the topic of boundaries and its importance in making married life and your sex life, all that it can be. All that's coming up on today's show.
Corey Allan: One of the things that happened in our world with Pam's birthday is on New Year's Eve day.
Pam Allan: Best day for a birthday.
Corey Allan: The whole world celebrates the end of her birthday.
Pam Allan: Yes.
Corey Allan: But so that day we were having breakfast, and typically we celebrate with a dinner or lunch something kind of as a family. And then we can do some things with friends or something usually on New Year's Eve. And so this time, this particular day we're sitting at the breakfast table. The kids had since finished their breakfast and we're on about their morning. And we were talking and I looked over at you and I said, "You know, it's curious to me as you sit here and look ahead to your day, you probably don't have anywhere on your radar a hope of, I really hope I get some oral sex at some point today, or even just something in the sexual arena today." Right?
Pam Allan: That's right. That was the question and my answer was, "No. Hadn't even thought about it."
Corey Allan: Yeah, and you even went a little bit further and said, "Actually, I'm looking forward to just to being able to crawl into bed and go to sleep."
Pam Allan: Yeah. Do my crossword puzzle, be cozy with my electric blanket.
Corey Allan: It's fascinating to me when you just talk about the differences and this isn't just a gender difference either. This is a higher desire, lower desire difference.
Pam Allan: Yes, it is. The funny thing was before you even brought that up at breakfast, when I was getting around myself before that I thought, "If it was Corey's birthday, he'd be expecting, might be gearing up for what I was going to wear today or something like that." Trying to set the stage for birthday sex for you that night. So I was kind of laughing that I'm not thinking that way and how I dressed this morning for my own birthday.
Corey Allan: That's right. I can go comfort over sexiness, and with what I'm choosing today is what you say. And so it's just interesting to me because if nothing else, I thought, "Okay, we got to talk about this for a brief moment on a show." Just because I know in the mastermind groups that I do with the husbands, I shared it with them. And then the Sexy Marriage Radio Academy, we shared a little bit of the dialogue with them and it resonates because it happens. It's married life.
Pam Allan: Yeah, it is. I'm curious how many other people are listening out there though that, "I hadn't thought about it that way, but that's exactly what we do too."
Corey Allan: firstname.lastname@example.org. We'd love to know, but it's because it's, if nothing else, I want to at least, let's level set this or normalize it a little bit to see that, "I don't see that that's anything wrong."
Pam Allan: No. It's just kind of funny.
Corey Allan: Yeah. I think it's just the funny differences between higher desire, lower desire, or men and women, or just the way you look at certain momentous occasions and the way you want to mark those things. And because there's even times where I've heard couples they've had a night of sex that was really, really good. It was one of those where they both just totally, it was through the roof, real powerful, real passionate. And then the next day one of them say, "Man, that was great. Let's recreate tonight." And their spouse might be going, "Are you serious? We just did that yesterday." And it's like, "Why would you want to do it again right now?"
Pam Allan: Yeah. And the other spouse is, "Why wouldn't you want to recreate that? Come on."
Corey Allan: It's just to bring up the conversation of, we have such different perspectives as a higher desire versus a lower desire, as a man versus a woman, as somebody younger in their married life or in the length of their marriage, or even just their age still older. And so, if nothing else, I want us to at least be aware of we progress, we evolve, and how can I react and respond best to these changes to where I don't go a lot? That really hurt my feeling that you don't want to. Because I ended our conversation with, I'm still always just trying to keep it on the radar with my wife. And so I ended the conversation at the breakfast table that morning with a little bit of a grin saying, "By the way, if you change your mind at any point during today and do want some sort of servicing, I'm all in. I'm available."
Pam Allan: Dully noted.
Corey Allan: That leads us to another topic that's worth exploring because this came into the inbox just recently from somebody that's been a binge listener. I love binge listeners and people that find Sexy Marriage Radio. And then she emailed at email@example.com and she actually brought up several different points that she wanted addressed or discussed. And so some of those are in the queue for later possibly. But this one jumps out because the topic is just sex in the shower. This is something that happens in our world as well.
Pam Allan: It's a hot topic.
Corey Allan: Of just the differences, kind of like the birthday sex idea. So I'll paraphrase the email in large part, but you mentioned on your show that this was after the animals in bed, and so thankfully they don't have that problem in their marriage, but she's always put sex in the shower or shower sex in the same category as Hollywood sex. But since you mentioned it on a show, it makes her consider that maybe it's a real thing that actual people do, not something that just looks fun in the movies.
Corey Allan: I mean, for example, she even says in the movies, people have sex for the first time and it's beautiful, not at all painful or awkward. And they both reach orgasm and then they lay lovingly there in the wet spot. We all know that the first time in real life is not like that. And many times in real life are not like that. Yes. Enter Sexy Marriage Radio, which is what we're trying to talk about. So they just tried taking a shower together and that is nothing like in the movies. One person gets all the water, the other is kind of left out in the cold getting splashed now and then it's cramped and I'm fighting water getting into my eyes and can't find anything about that experience that wants me to wait to have sex in there. My husband would love that though, so I would really love to know how does one manage that? I can't get my brain around the mere logistics of it.
Pam Allan: Okay. She brings up so many good points that I got to think so many people that are listening are totally saying, "You're exactly right." One person gets the water unless you have a big shower and you got two shower heads, which would be fabulous. If you love shower sex then you need to remodel your shower and get a couple of different shower heads. And of course taking notes for a remodeling the shower in our bathroom.
Corey Allan: Keep going babe. Yeah. Keep talking.
Pam Allan: And so you need multiple shower heads, because if you're like a lot of, well, I guess anybody, it's not just the females, it gets cold if you're not the one that's under that stream of warm water. So you've got that issue going. Plus the lubrication, if you're trying to have sex, there's a real issue there with lubrication and that not being there. And so it causes friction when you're trying to-
Corey Allan: Which then means you have to be out of the water a little bit, which then brings in the cold factor possibly. She brings up some great points because it is stuff that if nothing else, I guess is probably merits conversation in the spouse, in the couples just to say, "Hey, I know this is something you would love to do and it's something I'm maybe okay with or willing to explore, but we got to figure out here's some of the problems we're going to face. And I think this is a great list of them. How are we going to handle who's in the heat and who's not?" Because the higher desire or the husband or whoever it might be saying, "I'm okay being in the cold."
Pam Allan: Right. Which is I guess my expectation is that probably one of them, typically the husband would probably say, "Yeah, I'm okay with that. If you're willing to jump on this, then I'm totally okay not being in that hot water."
Corey Allan: The other thing is to look at the dynamic or the physical aspects of your bathroom and your shower. Do you have a way to close it in a little better to where some of the heat stays in so you could actually make it a sauna. Close the bathroom door for sure to make a little more of just that room warmer, which then changes some of the feel, and this is just all prep. I mean, we do a lot of preparation for sex anyway, and so shower sex isn't just as easy as the impromptu. Sometimes it is, do some prep towards it, where bump the heat up in the house if you got that opportunity.
Pam Allan: Yeah. That's a good idea.
Corey Allan: If you've got a space heater and you can safely put it in your bathroom, do that. But there's things that you can do that can help eliminate some of these things, and one of them would be just talk about who's in the water, who's not, or who's closest to the water to keep that heat going versus who's not. Or can you shift around so that you can both experienced the water? Like, "Hey, I'm cold now. Can we rotate for a second? Let me warm back up." But then you're still also dealing with the idea of water splashing. And so then it just comes down to the positions of how you have sex, I think depending on what the configuration of your bathroom and your shower is.
Pam Allan: Yeah. Some of that just comes with kind of tweaking it and working it. And both of you happen an open mind to not get frustrated with a splashing or this to make it work.
Corey Allan: And also look at it as if you can't actually have sex in the shower easily together, then what if you use showering together as foreplay and you get a chance to, and I'm not trying to get in some weird position, but this is a chance for both of us to kind of charge each other up and have a little make-out time, or where we're both standing and you could easily spin, you could spin better that way to where you're both getting water. It's easier to kind of navigate, because I think a lot of times-
Pam Allan: Spin, I'm just thinking of that word, I'm like, have those floor mats so you're not slipping and sliding everywhere.
Corey Allan: Safety first.
Pam Allan: Safety first. Get some handholds, put some handles.
Corey Allan: I'm sure that there have been times where the ambulance has had to show up at somebody's house because there's been an injury and it was like, "Well, we just slipped. I slipped and hit my head. And that's what it was." But because if you have a large shower, multiple shower heads and a bench in the shower, that's a whole different ball game you're talking about. That's a little more Hollywoodish possibly. But you're still dealing with temperature differences and water splashing. And so some of that just is going to come down to comfort level of each person. And then a willingness to say, "Okay. I know this isn't this high on my list, but it's something we can do, something I want to try. Let's do it."
Corey Allan: And it's really trial and error. I mean, in that largely what we do with a lot of sexual things that we do in our life, because you could get the Kama Sutra book and see all of the different things. One of the guys in my mastermind group actually just sent me a link to the Kama Sutra Sock Puppet book. It's sock puppets that are showing all of the different-
Pam Allan: Oh my Gosh, that's funny.
Corey Allan: Which is, I didn't look at it, but it's like that would be funny. So look at it. But I think there's no research to back this thing, but I think what I've kind of landed on from the couples I've talked to in the blogosphere world and the relationships I've got with other people out there that are in the marriage arena, in the sex arena, in the marriage help, roughly about 30% of what we try with the different positions is what's going to work. Because some of them are just like, "Yeah, we can't do that. I'm too old, my hips hurt, my knee hurts, there's not enough room in our shower."
Pam Allan: There's too many other things that are just distracting your brain, and can't allow you to get into it. I think sometimes that's the issue. What she's talking about there is that all those things are just these distractors that don't allow you to just get into the moment because you're not physically comfortable.
Corey Allan: That's a great point. Then it comes down to how do you edge into that comfort better each time? And so some of that could be when you have a shower time just alone, what's your mindset? How can you find relaxation in there? Or is it truly a, "I've got to get this done because I've got to move on to the next thing." Showers are just truly part of the to-do list, and that makes it a little bit harder to where you're kind of not capturing your time. I mean, tell me if I'm wrong, Pam, that a bath has a more connotation of relaxation, easing the stresses of the days than a shower does.
Pam Allan: Oh, certainly.
Corey Allan: So couldn't you have some of that similar mindset coming into play when you have a shower at times of just like, "I want to just use this to truly relax."?
Pam Allan: Yeah, just fill that hot water just running down and dripping over you and pounding the muscles on your back and making you feel better. Yeah, you can certainly have that mindset.
Corey Allan: And then even imagine the water is your spouse's tongue, or hands, just has it runs across your body that that's a fantasy side of things, that can be a great tool that can help you.
Pam Allan: To try and shift your mindset for that.
Corey Allan: And also as a preparatory thing for you, because sometimes, I mean typically speaking the low desire partner, they have a little more energy involved in getting prepared and ready for sex than the higher desire partner, because they've typically kind of got a higher threshold anyway. They don't need the whole visualization and imagination to stimulate as much necessarily. And so it could be that just the shift of that can make a big difference to where then when you're in it together, now all of a sudden you're inviting them into an area that's more relaxed.
Corey Allan: And that's in the neuro linguistic programming world, which is just it's a brain pattern processing thing, NLP, that's an anchoring of it where you set up a relaxed area in where you feel comfortable, where it's like your happy place if you talk Zen World. And it's what you can go to visually to calm some anxieties, to calm some fears. And you could do the same thing with a sexy state, that you can have a, "This is where I am more open to where things may go." And a shower could be that for you. And you could start that by yourself. I mean, what do you think?
Pam Allan: No, I think you're right. I'm sitting here playing devil's advocate thinking, "Yeah, I can totally get in a calm place in the shower by myself."
Corey Allan: And then I'm going to be invaded.
Pam Allan: Then I go back to, your coming in. We have a tiny shower man. You come in and it's cold water splashing all on my face because you're taller. And so I'm trying to think of how do you work that in to get the mindset? How would one make themselves transition to when you're both together?
Corey Allan: Okay. I think that's where you do it in stages where you don't try to have this culminating fantastic experience right out the gate. It is one of those where you just then shower together as a means to be together. I mean, that's what she meant in the comment. If we tried it and it didn't happen like we would in the movie, so I couldn't even think about having sex in it. So they've just tested it out according to her email with just the experience, not actually trying to incorporate sex into it. But what if you incorporate showering together occasionally as part of your sexual repertoire where maybe you don't have sex in the shower, it's just foreplay?
Corey Allan: It's just prep. It's just you're both getting in a state of being ready and you could talk together. You can have candles in the bathroom. You create an environment like you would with a bath. But all of those kinds of things, we are creatures of habit. And those things can be shifted to where you can rewire in a sense the meaning of, "Okay hold on, I can then now all of a sudden lower the threshold." Because think about it, how many times as a couple do you think people have experiences where you look at it, looking back at it, and it's like, "Wow, I can't believe we were so turned on in that." Because the environment wasn't set for that. And it's just the idea of, it's the energy between you, and so I think you take some of the struggles out of it, by diminishing their meaning, by replacing them with something that means more.
Pam Allan: Okay. That makes sense.
Corey Allan: And I think then you can now all of a sudden start having conversations about, "Okay, how could we actually have sex in our shower?" Because likely, it's probably going to be rear entry because you're both standing. And that's just the easiest for all four feet to be on the floor.
Pam Allan: Yeah. Just stay stable.
Corey Allan: Yeah. Because you got slippery surfaces, so you do have to think about safety. If you have a bench, there's more alternatives. If you don't mind sitting on the ground, there's more alternative. It all comes down to what's your environment. But I think of it as this is just something you ease into it and then if all of a sudden you get in a position, my hope would be how do you realize that when you're doing sex and in the language that it is, when something happens that actually is kind of funny, where all of a sudden you're actually having sex in the shower and then something shifts and all of a sudden the water hits a back in the spartan way, so it's just splashing all in your face and you're like, "God, I can't. I'm blind, but." And you can actually laugh about it and then kind of reconnect or say, "How about let's just transition this out to the bedroom?" And then it's not something that it's ruined it, it just shifted it.
Pam Allan: Yeah. We're just taking it to the next level or just to another room.
Corey Allan: Because I think that's a marker of growth. Because I think a lot of couples think that if I've lost the vibe, it's over.
Pam Allan: Yeah. And that does happen a lot. But losing that specific vibe, losing that doesn't mean that you've lost the connection with the two of you. So if that connection can continue to go on, even if you're both laughing together about something because you think it's really funny the way it splashed him in the face.
Corey Allan: Right, exactly.
Pam Allan: Then that's just a funny nother memory and connection that you've got together. Let's regroup and take it out-
Corey Allan: It's almost like another couple anchor between you. It's something that you've created together. And so I see this as just a larger marker of our own growth, is recognizing, you know what? We don't have to have all of the environmental things to be so in line for this thing to be functional, if not even great, that we can get through it, we can navigate, we can adjust, it doesn't have to follow a certain script, all of that stuff. When I can do that better with my partner, man, I'm taking so much more control of my life and I'm taking so much control of my sex life and my marriage.
Pam Allan: Yeah. And kudos to her for emailing and asking, how in the world do you do shower sex when-
Corey Allan: I love it. I can't get my brain around the mirror logistic stuff. Because there are a lot of logistics and as a higher desire partner, I don't think about those logistics. I just think about shower, my wife, yes.
Pam Allan: It's hard work. That's what I think. Wow, that one's hard work. I've got to really ramp myself up for this one.
Corey Allan: Perfect. All right. Transitioning real quick. Another email that came in not too long ago that just says, "I've been listening and I've been picking through episodes that address the issues I struggle with. Today, I listened to both of the episodes I could find on oral sex and as after 22 years of marriage, it's something I don't enjoy giving." And this is from a wife. "One issue I have that has not been addressed in either issue or either episode was what do you do when you have a strong gag reflex? How do you work around that in servicing your husband? The episodes were very helpful but I'm at a loss on this particular issue. Thanks. And I'm really learning about myself and my husband as I listen. Thank you for this podcast."
Pam Allan: I think the gag reflex, I'm trying to understand and it doesn't say on here, so I think we have to come at this from potentially two different angles.
Corey Allan: Yeah. We'll probably have to come at it from some higher level, and then we can go to some specifics and variables.
Pam Allan: Yeah, because I have two different question here. Is the gag reflex coming because the penis is going so deep that that's what's causing the gag reflex or does it just gross her out? So even if she's just say licking the shaft or something, that's making her gag. Not quite clear there. So I think we need to dive in maybe.
Corey Allan: Right. Yeah, because both of those are two different approaches to confront it. One, let's go with the first one on, is the penis just going too far? And so all of a sudden, because there are times where you get even halfway back in your mouth, there's some people that they have a really bad gag reflex on that. Some can go further and they just kind of control it, or some it's not an issue at all maybe.
Corey Allan: But the best thing I know and counsel couples to do in this would be, both the wife and the husband can be involved in this. But it's basically you wrap a hand around the base of the shaft of the penis because that means it can only go up to your hand. And if even that brings about a gag reflex because of the depth, because your husband could just be much larger, then you can use two hands, he can use his hand. There's a lot of varieties or you just slide it up the shaft further towards the tip to be able to control, here's how far I'm willing to let this go. But the other thing is, and you mentioned this on just as an alternative, oral sex does not just mean going down and sucking like a vacuum,
Pam Allan: Right. I mean there's more of an organ than that. There's a lot more to caress, there's a lot more to touch and you can use your tongue just on pretty much around the whole thing.
Corey Allan: You can use your tongue everywhere, but you can also use your hands while using your tongue and your lips. And so there's a whole lot of friction and things you can do that doesn't just require the mouth going up and down. You can use your tongue and your hand going up and down to get the sensations that are necessary. And if you focus on the underside of the tip, that's one of the most sensitive areas for a man that's similar to the clitoris, doesn't have near the nerve endings that a clitoris does, but it has the most in the smallest amount of area that right underneath the tip on the bottom side of the penis that that's the area that if you focus there, usually has the most joyous, great feelings that come along with it.
Corey Allan: But it's just seeing it as, there's a lot of variety of things that you can try out, and if this is something you're wanting to do in the idea of servicing husband, or it's something he's really interested in, and you're willing as a wife and interested in, "I want to be able to do this." Then sometimes it truly is time in a lab almost of like, "Hey, I want to learn this and I want to confront this. And as much as it may not seem like that's not sexy at all, to say, I need to work on my gag reflex next time we have oral sex and I give you a blow job." But that's still something that if you put it in the context of marriage, is a long game. That's something of like, "Look, I want to grow better at this."
Pam Allan: Who doesn't?
Corey Allan: I'm thinking her husband's going to say, "Okay, okay. I like that."
Pam Allan: "I'm excited about that. Thank you for wanting to work on it." Yeah.
Corey Allan: The other side of it-
Pam Allan: Well, and if it grosses, yeah. I'm just coming in from the last topic of showering, shower together beforehand. And maybe that's one where there's some cleaning, there's some cleanliness. Maybe, I don't know if they gag reflex is coming because you're grossed out just because it's body parts that grosses you out.
Corey Allan: And you got to sweat and all the different things that the day could have entailed that day, and that is a great physical thing that you can do. If it is a, "This just kind of grosses me out." Because it could be, "All right. We're going to shower or you need to shower before we have sex or before I would do that for you." You could try this in the shower because then you got plenty of water right there to help wash your mouth out if that helps knowing, "Hey look, I can clean as we're doing this and that's in a way that I grow in my comfort level with it. Just through pushing through a little discomfort at a time as you feel comfortable."
Corey Allan: The other thing is I counsel for the couples where the wife truly does have a, "This just grosses me out" thing. Well, then obviously you could have some history that comes into play. Because I know of several clients that right off the bat they had really bad experiences with their first time because they were children or it was taken advantage of. And so that immediately puts a marker that changes the whole dynamic. And so you need to work through that mentally on just healing from it.
Corey Allan: But the other thing is they feel like it's something a prostitute does. It's not something that a wife has to do or those kinds of things. They feel cheap, they feel dirty, they don't like that, they feel like, so just the connotation and the meaning is what grosses them out too. And so they don't even realize that's what really bugs me about it, is it's that meaning. And so then it comes down to how do you really view yourself? Are you really a prostitute with your husband? No, you're not.
Pam Allan: No. But if your perception's there, it's certainly going to be a barrier.
Corey Allan: Right. But it could be a perception that's under the surface so much you don't even recognize that's what it is. And so now sometimes just bringing it to a higher level processing in your own brain helps you rewire that to say, "But I'm not. So I can now lean into this anxiety a little more and grow right on through it and heal far beyond it. Because then I start to realize it's not that big a deal. That's not defining me by this act."
Corey Allan: Then the other thing that I think of is sometimes oral sex, they don't like it because they feel disconnected. They don't feel like they're connected to to their husband in the midst of it. And so one of the best things you can do is while going and trying oral sex or working your way down the belly, make eye contact with each other. It doesn't seem like it's that easy to do, but it really kind of is.
Pam Allan: Yeah. You can certainly look up during the process.
Corey Allan: And if not, then shift positions so you can. This is the same counsel, like husbands that have trouble when it comes to oral sex for their wife, or where they want to perform it and they have struggle performing it for their wife. Make eye contact with her, because now all of a sudden that's a really bonding experience that you can have together. Not only because of the sensations, but because of the brain to brain connection through the eyes.
Corey Allan: And so those are the things that come to my mind because it truly each one of these, whether it's a physical thing or it's a mental thing, each one of them truly are not necessarily trial and error, but they are kind of, "I got to just lean into this and kind of grow in the little step and then maybe I take a little step back and then I grow in a little step. And I'm learning something new." It's not something that's just going to come naturally necessarily.
Corey Allan: As we wrap up 2019, special thank you to the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation for making this year a fantastic one here at the Sexy Marriage Radio empire. We have been blessed by you taking time out each and every week, emailing us, calling us, keeping us up to date with what's going on, and the questions that you have. It is an honor and a privilege to be walking alongside you guys are the sexiest people on the face of the planet. We hope you've enjoyed the show this year, and wherever you are, whatever you're doing, we hope to see you again in 2020. See you next time.
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