Announcer: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, passionatelymarried.net. You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.

Corey Allan: Well, to you specifically, Pam, and to everyone else in the nation. Welcome 2022.

Pam Allan: We made it. We made it.

Corey Allan: Here we go with another year.

Pam Allan: I'm looking forward to another year.

Corey Allan: Onward and upward. And it's interesting, because if you look at the whole landscape of the world and how it all changed two years ago, 2020, was that what people have called a train wreck or a disaster or everything in the whole entire world was impacted. And now we're hoping for just normal. Most people it seems like, "How do we just get back to normal?" But that makes me start thinking that we don't go backwards in life. We have to create new normals.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: We have to create new routines. We have to create new things based on data and experiences and things that have happened.

Pam Allan: So hopefully we're getting better through what we've come through.

Corey Allan: Right. Let's just be smarter.

Pam Allan: Right. Let's be smarter. Let's enjoy things more. Let's find victories in the valleys. That's, I guess, a phrase I love using.

Corey Allan: And one of the smart things you can do, as part of the SMR Nation, is continue to hang out with the SMR Nation.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: That there's a lot of great things happening and that are coming this year. And so, welcome. We're so glad that you're here with us again. And we want to hear from you, because as we venture into 2022, a goal I want to have, as we go into this, babe, is I want a lot more of a dialogue with our shows.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Which we're going to have that today. Where we get the feedback from people, either feedback at sexymarriageradio.com, which you can... And even better is if you would record your voice with your feedback, send it to us via email, or call our voicemail line (214) 702-9565, and leave a message there. It's got to be less than three minutes, because it'll cut you off. I can edit and alter voices if need be. But we want to continue a conversation about what's been going on, what the topics we've covered, because it makes everybody better.

Pam Allan: It does. Iron sharpens iron.

Corey Allan: Absolutely.

Pam Allan: We're better together.

Corey Allan: We don't have all the answers. We want to just ask better questions. And sometimes our feedback that we get is better questions that we need to be asking.

Pam Allan: True.

Corey Allan: And so, all of this gets better. And so that's what we're hoping to have happen. We also want you, as members of the nation, to help us spread the word, jump on iTunes, rate, review, leave a comment. You can rate and review the show at Spotify, iHeart Radio, Android, Google Play, however it is that you listen. Help us spread the word that married sex is the hotbed for sex. And there's also a couple of really good things coming up, as part of the nation. One is, I do this twice a year, it's time for man of his word mastermind groups to fire up again.

Pam Allan: Yep.

Corey Allan: And so this week, as this is airing, the first full week of January, we will be beginning the process of who's a good fit for this round. And so, if you are interested, send me an email. You can do it to feedback@sexymarriageradio.com, or you can send it to me, corey@passionatelymarried.net, either one. It'll get to me. But if you're interested in joining, you got to raise your hand. Let me know and then I'll give you the hoops that you got to jump through to be a part of this process.

Pam Allan: You got to speak up.

Corey Allan: This will wrap up quickly within the next couple of weeks. And so that's something to jump on board and just be better with a group of men, because the mastermind groups that I've been doing are some of the most fun to things that I do each and every week. And also this summer, June 23rd through the 25th, is the Sexy Marriage Radio getaway. And so we need to do a hard push to make sure those that want to take advantage of it do, because there's a discount going on right now. If you sign up for the early bird rate, this is the best chance to get yours spot and come join us in Indy in June.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah, make those, I guess, if you're doing resolutions to have a stronger marriage, these are good opportunities for you to make that happen, to make yourself better, and make that relationship better.

Corey Allan: So coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is several of your emails and voicemails with your questions, and then, particularly, with your feedback of some things we've discussed in the last year that you would like us to circle back to, and we're more than willing to so...

Pam Allan: Let's do it.

Corey Allan: We're excited about that. And then on the extended content today, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads, you can subscribe at passionatelymarried.net/smracademy. We've always followed the last several years, since 2016 for me, the last several years, rather than new year's resolutions, we follow the three word mantra. And we're going to dive into deeper of what the words mean. Why we do this, because too often I find people are haphazard about things, and they wonder why did I not get a productive year? Why did things happen the way they happened? And this is just an incredible framework to use to help give you a broad enough target to have some variety and some flexibility, but also have a target.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so, we are hoping you'll join us in this, in the extended content, and all that's coming up on today's show.

Speaker 4: Hey Corey and Pam, I'm a long time listener from Canada. I think you guys do a fantastic job. I think you're providing a very essential service, and I hope you keep running the podcast for as long as you possibly can. And Corey, you've had some great co-hosts, but I think Pam, Pam you're the best co-host he's had so far, so keep it up. I'd like to talk about an email that came in, in episode number 543, at about 20 minutes into the podcast. And it was from a wife whose husband told her that if he had to do it over again, he wouldn't get married to her or anybody else. And that comment came up after she asked him to be completely honest. And a lot of the show talked about where he's at, and is he really committed to the marriage, and really not a lot of focus on her and where she's possibly coming from.
And I'd like to give a different perspective here. And really the nutshell of this is I heard a case where she needs to, if you'll excuse the reference, be asked to put on her big year old panties and look at she asked him to be completely honest, and he was. But where are they now, and what do they have now moving forward? She made no comment about the situation now being bad, other than just how she's feeling about it. She says he's a good, attractive, successful man who treats her well, but she feels like he's being forced to stay because of duty. And she questions his commitment to the marriage. She also says that she's into sex multiple times a week, that they have great sex, but she hasn't always been into it as much as she is now. And she thinks that's what started her disappointment in the marriage.
So I'm hearing a situation where she's really questioning herself. He could very easily be saying, "Hey sweetheart, I know we had some troubles in the past, and marriage didn't turn out the way I thought it would be, but I love you a lot now. I think what we have is great, and I want to move forward with you, and spend the rest of my life with you." But is she able to hear that? She's stuck on that statement about the past, and stuck on her feelings about it. And, of course, feelings are important, but what's most important is what are the actions that are happening? And she doesn't talk about that in a lot of detail. And I could certainly see a situation where what they actually have now is really good. She's just having to work through some tough feelings about his statements, about the past, and really about where she's at.
She talked about questioning where she's at in relation to the sex life. So there you go. I hope you can talk about it from that perspective. I love to hear your answer and look forward to hearing it on the air. Have a great day. Bye, bye.

Pam Allan: Well, thank you by the way, for calling in, and appreciate the feedback on this. Corey, tell me... We're driving at the feelings piece here.

Corey Allan: Yes, we are. And it's interesting, because one of the things that did not even occur to me, as I think back on that episode, is we did slant towards him more with our answer when he's not the one that emailed in. Don't know if he listens or not.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: We can have a tendency, at times, to do that, but usually we try to be very cognizant of let's keep it to the email or the caller.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And there is an element he's picking up on that's vital, which is this idea of, she asks the question, because she's reading this map of husband, and they're having this dialogue. Because, typically, we don't just have, if we're rocking along and getting most everything we want in our marriage, we don't ask those question of what's up? What's missing? If you had to do over again, would you? Those kinds of things. Because it's like a lawyer in some regards, don't ask a question that you don't want the answer to.

Pam Allan: Well, there's that.

Corey Allan: But if I don't ask those questions, I limit the amount of intimacy I'm going to really have in my marriage.

Pam Allan: Yeah. I'm willing to live in ignorance for a long time and accept only a fraction of what this relationship could be.

Corey Allan: Right, because there's a lot of times where the way you're framing that is perfect, Pam. That I would rather live in ignorance than have to have the challenge and discomfort that comes with growing. Because when I get this kind of information, like she got from husband, of if I had this whole thing to do over again, I wouldn't get married at all. That's a huge hit of like, but I thought I was your soulmate. I thought I was all of those things that are deeply embedded in most people, in some regards, that have to then be reexamined in real time and on life-on-life terms. Because there's an aspect of this that we have to start to look at. Okay, how do you recalibrate now when it's not bad necessarily, it's just data.

Pam Allan: It's data, but the mapping word, I think, there is key. How I'm mapping it. That affects me mentally. That affects now the tint in my sunglasses, and how I viewed our relationship. So it's not rose colored anymore, it's got some sort of green algae over it now. And it doesn't look as pretty as it did before.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: Because I care a lot about how you think of me, about how you think of our relationship. I want to be adored and I don't feel adored when...

Corey Allan: When you hear the message of, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't.

Pam Allan: Yeah, sure.

Corey Allan: Okay. So then you have to ask yourself the questions of what's the difference between feeling adored versus recognizing you were still chosen. Maybe not fully in the manner in which there's as added aspects to it.

Pam Allan: Yeah. I guess I would back up and say, maybe I don't even feel chosen at that point.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: He's still here, so he is choosing.

Corey Allan: Because you held a gun to his head?

Pam Allan: He's still here, so he is choosing. He's not walking away.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: So the caller is right. And let's look at this perspective. What perspective am I taking when I'm looking at this relationship, and what do I need to change in that perspective I've got?

Corey Allan: Right. And the first place you start is how you started this conversation, Pam, is this idea of, if I put too much stock on my partner's feelings, I'm to be tossed around like a cork. It's just going to happen, because our feelings are too flighty, and not oftentimes even accurate. Right?

Pam Allan: Right, right.

Corey Allan: Or true. They're just feelings. And they can be across the board with situations. So that's where you have to pull yourself back and recognize, okay, I need to take stock in account of the feelings associated with things. That's usually why those questions come about from maps, and interactions, and reading a situation, when you're watching somebody you care about and you know. But what are their behaviors? That's what really is impactful to me.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: It's not their feelings, because if I just equate things to my feelings, I become childish way too often.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because you hurt my feelings, which means then you need to adjust so that I feel more protected. Which that's not going to work well in the long run, no matter where the world has been going. That's not going to work well in the long run. So it's recognizing, I need to face the facts of the truth, and now how do I then shore myself up, validate myself more, to see it as, yeah, but I'm still worth being with. I'm still a good catch and maybe he doesn't see completely, the level I wish he would, but he is still here.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: How do I still make the most of it?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because then we get caught in this quandary of, this is where it falls into my mind, just thinking about you and I, Pam. We get caught in this quandary of it's become evident, the last couple years, you are the higher desire adventurer than I between us. But you're the lower desire wanting to instigate those adventures.

Pam Allan: Yeah. I still want you to lead that journey.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Which is I get it totally backwards. Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right. Well, it's not necessarily backwards. It's just that becomes the stalemate. And so, then you have to face the facts of, okay, but if I really want to have an adventure, does it diminish it if I have to set it up myself?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And a lot of times it's a script you've got in there saying, "Well, it felt like it did at first, but maybe it doesn't. Maybe I should try that new uncharted path and see, and then I realize, wait, that..."

Pam Allan: Well, I think it's the same as the sex journey that we hear from a lot of people. It's not that it diminishes it more, it's just that I want you to want it. And we say, "I can't make my spouse want something. I don't care if it's the need for some adventure, or quantity of sex, or a type of sex, or whatever it is. I can't make you want something."

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: I think, if that was my kids, we had this... Over the holidays and I had this expectation of what Christmas day would be, and... Anyway.

Corey Allan: And they have phones now.

Pam Allan: And they have phones, and I hate phones. I hate these phones. I just want to throw them on the ground and smash them. And I headed it out on a walk, because I was like, I just got to get away. And while I'm thinking of it, I'm thinking higher desire, lower desire. I had a higher desire for family time, being together, things like that. The kids don't have as higher desires as I, as the parent.

Corey Allan: And even deeper in there, because this is the conversation you and I had by the fire that night, was it's beyond just a higher desire, it's also that you were wanting them to want to have the same desire.

Pam Allan: Exactly.

Corey Allan: And not just the action, but the want to, to put it away.

Pam Allan: Exactly.

Corey Allan: When that's not where they are right now.

Pam Allan: And I can't force that. And be out being on a walk, I'm talking to myself saying and that's where we get this perspective change. You have to take some time to sit back and look at yourself and say, "Where am I in this situation? How am I reacting to this situation? Is there anything I need to change and evaluate about where I am?"

Corey Allan: Yeah. Have some good self confronting questions is how you find yourself a better path forward, just like he's pointing out.
"The art of marriage is really the art of keeping up to date with your partner, of staying on track with your own and each other's life goals as they emerge, exist and change. It's about supporting each other and staying connected emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually," Marcia Burger LMFT.
A great marriage doesn't happen by accident. Deeper connect with your spouse doesn't happen by accident either. Have you reached the point in your marriage where there's a slow creep of discontent or disconnect? When was the last time you talked with your spouse about anything other than the schedule, work or kids? What if there was a way to be reminded on a weekly basis to touch base with your spouse? The State of Our Union held helps you remember and discover what brought you together in the first place. It's a tool designed to help couples keep the important from being replaced by the immediate. Plus, this works from your own phone, 52 reminders, deepen your conversation, dream and plan together. Go to passionatelymarried.net/union, connect on a deeper level today.
This is an email that came in, Pam, that a husband was asked by his wife, what he wanted for his 50th birthday. Money was a little tight and he's always enjoyed receiving oral sex, but it doesn't happen very often, maybe twice a year. So he asked for five encounters that come from his fantasies, things like waking me up in the morning, back of the movie theater, while driving, et cetera. Which-

Pam Allan: Okay. A blow job in each of these situations.

Corey Allan: Absolutely.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: I can... Anyway. I could tell from her response that she'd rather not. And I think it's because she doesn't enjoy giving fellatio to me, but she agreed to anyway, and followed through on all of them, except for the one while I'm driving. She said that she still might do it, but she feels uneasy because it can be unsafe, which, hello, possibly.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Is it wrong for me to ask, given that I know that she doesn't prefer this act? Should I tell her to forget about the one while driving? Or should I remind her of it, since it's something she said she might be willing to do? And what I could do then is find a straight and long road to reduce the danger. Thanks. So this is that whole proverbial asking for a sexual something, as a gift.

Pam Allan: All fight. And he knows she's not a fan.

Corey Allan: Right. He can read that. He knows it based on history.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: He knows it on the way it all unfolds. And so this is where, to me, what jumps out, Pam, is the difference between feelings and desires versus behaviors and actions.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because, as humans, we have to separate out the fact that we can sometimes do things devoid of our feelings, counter to our feelings, or our preferences, or our likes even. And I don't know if that's necessarily bad, because we do grow in that regard. If I grow into doing the things that I don't really enjoy, and I might actually grow into enjoying it more. You never know.

Pam Allan: Okay. But I, in this situation, is something he wants from somebody else.

Corey Allan: Correct.

Pam Allan: And he's asking them to do something they don't enjoy. Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right. And so there is this aspect of, is he wrong for asking? No. I think that's part of what life is. Life-on-life terms is I speak into what I want or hope for, and then it becomes do I get it or not, and how do I handle it?

Pam Allan: Sure, that's fine. And she can say no, when she wants. And kudos, this isn't something she enjoys, and she did four out of the five for him.

Corey Allan: That's the other thing that jumps out to me is you got four out of five. That's a pretty good percentage. That's a hall of fame batting average.

Pam Allan: Well, I could read so many things into this, but, okay, in the back of a movie theater, that's pretty risky. I could get in some trouble doing that thing out in public, but I get the excitement of it. I don't know. I don't know that it's in great taste to say, "Well, here's what I ask for," and then come up later, which she's already... Clearly, they've already talked about it. She's already said, "Well, here's my issue with this one. There's a safety issue here." Even if you find a long straight road where you're the only one on the road.

Corey Allan: There's still safety issues, because you're in a moving vehicle.

Pam Allan: So this may be for some people, it may not be for others.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: And if you go to her and say, "Well, this is what I asked for, and you haven't given it to me."

Corey Allan: Tone and context would matter, and how you bring it up.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so to answer his last questions of, should I bring it up, or should I set it up a remind her?

Pam Allan: I don't think so.

Corey Allan: I would agree with that.

Pam Allan: You've already discussed it.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: She's already said, "Well, here's my thing with this, maybe you'll get it." And so, if she does that in the future, take it and enjoy it.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: And love it, but don't pressure her into it by giving her a guilt trip, because she hasn't performed that yet. That takes away the whole joy of potentially giving you this birthday present.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: And that makes it a resentful situation.

Corey Allan: Absolutely. It can add to it for certain. And that's what's so interesting is because we get caught in these scenarios, don't we Pam, where I've asked for something from my spouse, sexual or otherwise, and they've agreed, but then they don't follow through or it's taken longer on their timeframe than I would like for them to follow through. And somehow I seem to convince myself that well maybe they just forgot. When-

Pam Allan: No, yeah. They didn't forget.

Corey Allan: I doubt that he actually forgot.

Pam Allan: Well, here's the deal. It's not that there was an agreement here. It was money's tight, what would you like? And he comes up with some things.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Him coming up with those things is not automatically an agreement from her side.

Corey Allan: Fair.

Pam Allan: That is not-

Corey Allan: It's an expectation versus an agreement.

Pam Allan: Yeah. That is not something that I said, "No problem, whatever you say I'm going to do." It's if I ask you what you want for your birthday, and you tell me you want, I don't know, a new iPhone, that's not an agreement that I'm automatically going to get that for you.

Corey Allan: Right. It's just something being expressed at that point. Yeah.

Pam Allan: Yeah. So enjoy what happened, don't have a checklist that your wife has to meet for you. I would argue that there may be some resentment coming, if-

Corey Allan: Might be.

Pam Allan: - you're trying to hold someone to the fire crosstalk.

Corey Allan: And let's flip it just real quick though, because there could be resentment on the other side. I know she's not the one that emailed in to me to ask this question, but I've agreed to something. I said, "Yeah, I can make that happen or I've done most of them," and it's also recognizing how do I not hold my partner responsible for my agreements of things that I have said I would do or want to do also.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because it's on both sides.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Maybe she said she would, and it does go both ways. Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so a lot of times, if there's something still lingering out there, and it comes up in the course of a casual conversation where it's not a, "Hey, you haven't," or whatever, it's just we're talking about the dynamic. That's an opportunity to say, "Yeah, I'm just not going to do that one," and at least you level set the expectation from that point.

Pam Allan: True, yeah.

Corey Allan: And that's a different path to at least go, "Okay, cool. But I love what we did do." And this is the sophistication of the English language, because I could say, "I really enjoyed what we did," and that can be code, let's keep doing it. I want more of it or whatever. Or it can be, I really enjoyed what was done.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because it's usually both of those.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because it is some of those things, I'm kind of saying it as a pseudo, let's keep doing it kind of prompt in.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: When we still fall back into the natural dynamics of a relationship and life of one of you's higher desire, one of you's lower desire, when it comes to these issues. And I'm not going to change my partner's level of desire. I need to just handle my side of it better.

Pam Allan: I love the idea of you saying what you had talked about of being thankful for what has happened.

Corey Allan: Right. Appreciate what's going on.

Pam Allan: The four out of the five that did happen. Wow, thank you for that. That was a great gift and I appreciate that.

Corey Allan: That's actually doubled your yearly average from what he said.

Pam Allan: Right, true that.

Corey Allan: Happy 50th.

Pam Allan: Yeah. If we're talking stat that, then that's a great stat.

Corey Allan: Well, it never fails that we continually get confirmation week after week, year after year, here a decade into this thing, babe, of we have some astute listeners in the nation.

Pam Allan: I love that. I love being surrounded by smart people, by thinkers. Love it.

Corey Allan: And we have courageous people that are willing to speak up.

Pam Allan: Yes.

Corey Allan: And speak back, and call out, and question. And my hope is, from this whole entire show, my hope is that we all recognize we all can be better. And so when the spirit of speaking back at something is coming from the best in us, it is met by the best in those that hear it. That is a without failed truism. And the way I do therapy, because people have asked me in the past, "Man, how are you able to just be 'harsh'?" And if it's coming from the best in you and it's more truth, it's met by that in people because we know it.

Pam Allan: Right. It's interesting how one person can see something as harsh, and the other one sees it as just speaking truth to them. And the filter that we put on things.

Corey Allan: Yep.

Pam Allan: I realize there's a lot of history to that for people.

Corey Allan: Yes, absolutely.

Pam Allan: How it was brought up, how I was spoken to when I was... What trauma maybe I've had. But I hope that people can see that the truth being spoken to him can be a good thing, if I take it and I run with it. If I like it crosstalk-

Corey Allan: Right. Even if I have the momentary pause of what am I missing here? What if this is true?

Pam Allan: Maybe it's not true.

Corey Allan: What if this is something I really need to... Because even that momentary pause is huge. That's what we do with the emails that come in.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Of recognizing, okay, hold on, where is this coming from?

Pam Allan: Good point.

Corey Allan: What's the story that's really being asked of me here? What do I really believe in this? Because we get too quick to defend ourselves rather than recognizing, okay, wait, if I'll think it through or rethink it. That's one one of my words is, if you're in the extended content. Then I get an opportunity to solidify what do I really believe? And now how do I live alongside somebody that doesn't believe the same, but it's not a threat. We can actually be allies in a lot of other ways. We can actually be beneficial to each other in a lot of ways. And we can speak from the best in us, because as inaudible would say, the best in us is the only thing they can call out the worst in us, because the worst in us would deny its own existence.

Pam Allan: True.

Corey Allan: And that's what we're calling upon everybody in the nation, and ourselves, in 2022. And so this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. Wherever you are and however you've chosen to take some time out of your week to spend it with us, we are so grateful that you did, and we'll see you next time.