Come join the conversations in the SMRNation Community at my.passionatelymarried.net
On the Regular version of today’s show …
An email from a member of the Nation adding to the conversation about how a HD Spouse can approach their LD Spouse better on the topic of sex.
A wife emails asking for how to handle resentment and guilt over how long it has taken to grow more confident sexually.
A husband emails wondering if his interest in wearing feminine underwear is a potential problem.
On the Xtended version …
Part 4 of the Q and A that happens at the end of the SMR Getaway.
Enjoy the show!
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Announcer: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio. SMRnation.com.
You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host Dr. Corey Allan.
Corey Allan: Welcome back to another episode of Sexy Marriage Radio where each and every week I'm joined by my lovely wife Pam.
Pam Allan: I'm here. Good to be with you.
Corey Allan: And we go where the nation wants to go with the questions you've got on your mind, the emails that have come in to either firstname.lastname@example.org or some direct messages that we get via the platform at my.passionatelymarried.net, which is free to join, and then there's levels in there that you get deeper conversations like The Academy and the groups. If you're a part of a group, that's where all that's happening. Courses are on their way pretty quick. About to roll out the first course, which will be a fantastic resource to offer up. And we also have our voicemail line at 214-702-9565 where we want to talk about what you want to talk about. What helps you? What do you go going on? What are your struggles? That's where we're headed today, by the way, is-
Pam Allan: What are your struggles?
Corey Allan: ... questions of some people that have got some issues that have come up. So we're going to-
Pam Allan: That's what we're here for.
Corey Allan: We're going to dive in. Plus, we got a little bit of feedback from a topic we've discussed before. Someone's jumping in to give a different side of the equation. If you like what we got going on, we got to say thank you to the nation and we want your help. That is you can jump on iTunes or Spotify or Stitcher, iHeartRadio, however you choose to listen and rate and review the show, leave a comment, help us spread the word that married sex is the hot bed for sex. Over the years we've been doing this, it continues to grow. That's because of the nation. You spread the word. That helps it impact other people. So jump onboard and let's help people just really experience better sex within their marriages.
Pam Allan: It's helping you share their love.
Corey Allan: Well, coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is what I alluded to earlier with a couple of questions that have come in, Pam, and our answers. Plus, a little bit of additional information for a conversation that we had prior. Then on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio today, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads. You can subscribe at SMRnation.com/smracademy and either choose the extended content or go all the way and get to the academy where there's monthly Q&A calls and a lot more discussions that take place. It's part four. It's the last of the Q&A that took place at the getaway at the middle of June in 2021. Again, I'm so impressed all the time with the questions that we get, whether at the getaway or from our listeners. Then on this one particularly the dialogues that took place where people were jumping in to offer up thoughts. So the questions that were asked and submitted actually became a group at times answering, which-
Pam Allan: Truly feels like a community when you got that going, right?
Corey Allan: It's a great conversation. So all that's coming up on today's show. So this is a followup to an episode we did not too long ago, Pam, where we were talking to an emailer whose wife refused to talk about sex in any way. Every time he brought it up, she shut it down. So this is an email. This is the guy saying, "Hey, discovered your show two months ago. My wife and I have really enjoyed the content. It has, to say the least, sparked some interesting conversations for us, which is great." So while listening to that episode, he thinks our advice to the listener whose wife refused to discuss sex in any way was good, but I think we missed an opportunity to suggest an alternative.
"It appears that the outright discussion of sex is a negative trigger for his wife. So rather than being so overt, many of the same messages he's trying to get across can be done in a more family friendly manner that may well be better received. So instead of whispering in her ear, "You're so sexy," what if you wrapped your arms around her and said, "You're so beautiful." Instead of, "That really turns me on. I love it when you do that," state it in a simple, loving way in conjunction with the gentle touch, show appreciation that goes far beyond the mere sexual."
So he's kind of just tweaking it slightly to make it more global rather than a true sexual content or context statement.
"Hopefully these types of interactions can become their own vocabulary that works for them on both sides. If this allows him to express his desires in a way that doesn't trigger the shutdown, it may allow forward movement on the other more intimate conversations. I realize that's not as clean as you normally counsel and this may have already been tried and failed. But I think sometimes there's more than just one path to the destination."
Pam Allan: No, you're exactly right. Yeah, exactly.
Corey Allan: Absolutely because there is this element of some of the things that work for other people will work for others too. We fine tune it and you massage it to your particular unique circumstance.
Pam Allan: Well, and if you keep just circling back to the, "You're so sexy. You're so sexy," well, when you're talking to a lower desire person, that just may continue to trigger the, "All you thinking is sex." We're trying to bring about the idea that everything is not about sex. It's a more global conversation is what's your entire life, what's your entire perspective, what's your entire vocabulary comprised of. It's a bigger picture.
Corey Allan: This is the duality of everything though because I could bring up a comment of, "Man, you're so beautiful," and you interpret that as, "All you ever think about is sex."
Pam Allan: I could potentially, yeah.
Corey Allan: So usually in a marriage where there's maps of communication over the history and the timeframe of the relationship, you know that yeah, those both exist. A statement can have both. So it's just recognizing that's the willingness to take the hit for it, but I do like where he's going with this on what if I fine tune it slightly to help see if it lands a little bit better, keep it more in the romantic rather than the sexual. Because it's a shorter distance from the romantic to the sexual rather than the distance it is from the every day conversation to the sexual. So if you can kind of keep it in that perspective, that might be incredibly beneficial. So well done jumping into the conversation.
Pam Allan: I love these new partnerships.
Corey Allan: When we first heart about it, I thought, "What a great idea." Because what they do is you submit any picture you want of your family, your friends, a couple, a pet, any kind of occasion, and then it is given to an artist that's on their team, a world-class artist that will take every detail and turn it into a painting. So my initial thought was, "This is got to be so expensive." But you know what, it's actually a very, truly affordable price.
Pam Allan: Yeah, real reasonable for good quality work.
Corey Allan: And it's completely easy, user friendly platform. Helps you order a custom made, hand-painted portrait in less than five minutes, and then you actually get the hand painted portrait in about three weeks. So you can send any picture you want of yourself, children, family, special place. We sent one of a great memory.
Pam Allan: From a vacation.
Corey Allan: From a vacation and the pose that we often have done at a lot of our different vacations, especially when the children were a lot younger. But it makes a perfect birthday, anniversary, or wedding gift, and I'm blown away by the quality, the ease in which it was done, and the affordability of this kind of a gift. So at paintyourlife.com there's no risk. If you don't love the final painting, your money's refunded guaranteed, and right now for a limited time offer, you get 20% off your painting. That's right. So it's 20% off and free shipping. To get this special offer for our listeners, you need to text the word marriage M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E to 64000. You're just going to type out that numbers. That's marriage to 64000. Text marriage to 64000 and Paint Your Life will help you celebrate the moments that matter the most. Terms are available. You can find those at paintyourlife.com/terms. Again, text marriage to 64000 to take advantage of this fantastic offer and truly unique gift.
So an email from a wife that says, "My husband and I have been listening to SMR for the past year, and it's been a way to help us navigate my issues with sex. Your podcast has been so helpful that we can't say enough about how much you've helped us through this challenging issue. It's so hard to talk about, but you've enabled us to communicate about sex so much easier, which is fantastic. I've come a long way in opening up to understanding my sexual hang ups. My low desire and lack of adventure has impacted our marriage for the last 22 years. But as I'm becoming more adventurous and my sexual drive is increasing, my husband is now feeling resentment. He feels like this should've happened many years ago. We love each other deeply. Can you please give us any advice for helping him let go of resentment and for me to release the guilt that I feel?"
Pam Allan: We're both hesitating here like who's going to go first. You go. You go.
Corey Allan: I was just trying to see what your face was from this.
Pam Allan: Well, I just think of the don't cry over spilled milk. It is better today, so let's roll with that. Though you might be disappointed that, man, we missed out on all those years. What good does that do? History is good for us to learn from, but if we try and hold ourselves slave to what history was, we're never going to continue moving forward. We've got to learn from the history, move forward, be appreciative of what we learned from it. Because it may not have tasted as sweet today or tomorrow had we not gone through what we went through in the past.
Corey Allan: Sure. There's also a distinct possibility that where she is specifically since she's the one talking about this, that where she is now, she wasn't capable of in the past. Because it's not just that we all of a sudden address some sexual hang up that we have a breakthrough, it's typically in conjunction with some other things that have been going on in our life too. I start to see myself in a different way beyond just the sexual.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: I start to recognize my capabilities in other areas. I start to see a more well rounded or more refined or an ability to speak the hard things with other people, and maybe I kind of climb the ladder. Where I started with it easy on the people that it weren't high up the hierarchy, and I've worked my way up to family members now. So we evolve as people, and it's not a linear but it's close way. Because there's a lot of different circumstances that can be a catalyst for change. It's not always A plus B equals C plus D. It's not always that clean. But there's a synergy and a scaffolding if you will that I create a little bit of a self, and then I step up on that level and I'm a little unsure with myself at times.
I've had this doing the show over almost a decade now. But there's times where we get a topic that comes in and I'm thinking it through or I get a client that I'm working with and I'm thinking it through in real time. I'm going like, "I hope they don't really see I don't really know what I'm talking about with this. I have an idea, but I'm kind of out on a limb." Over time you kind of get to where look, I can go out on these limbs and it's okay. Because if I fall, that's all right. I'll figure it out because we're just trying things out. We're trying to see what works. That's just a growing into life that it's very possible that even he wasn't capable of her adventurousness early on too.
Pam Allan: Good point.
Corey Allan: Because it could've been like, "Woo. I'm not prepared for this." So I like what you're saying in the sense that crying over spilled milk over getting where we wanted to go is wasting energy. Because what you're actually doing then is you're still living in the past rather than celebrating the moment, and what you've become and the value that you have because yes, we need to honor where we were and the journey we've been on to get to where we are. But I can't just sit back and reflect on it as if there's nothing else still going on now.
Pam Allan: That's right. Focus my energy on thankfulness. It's I wake up and every moment that she feels guilty, every moment that he feels the resentfulness, I got to switch that into thankfulness. Thank you for what today holds. Thank you that maybe we're not facing the same issue we were facing five years ago. It's a new one. But thank you for where we've come. When I can change that mindset...
Corey Allan: Yeah, I do want to speak to, as we end this point with this email, to her idea of how do I let go of my guilt. How do I release the guilt that I feel? This usually requires a little bit more in depth, honest assessment of self. Because if there were times where maybe over the years in the recent past she truly had more thoughts about, "Hmm. Maybe I could reach out and talk about this with somebody else," because I don't know what it is other than she alludes SMR has helped her. But it's got to be other things too.
Pam Allan: Something made her go searching for it.
Corey Allan: Right. Or a good friend has come along. You've had that in our journey of a timely friendship conversations that had been very pointed about marriage or relationship that have really been pivotal.
Pam Allan: Yup. Just been there for that season.
Corey Allan: Right. So not knowing all of that, if there were times where I had the best intention but I kept letting it slip and not following through, ask yourself the questions of what's that about because maybe that guilt is actually something I need to release of myself in the sense that yeah, I didn't follow through. It wasn't that I held back necessarily or I was scared or I didn't know. It was when I get that point of awareness but I didn't actually do anything about it, that's the stuff I need to address better. But when I get to the point of it's just kind of uncertain and it's unclarity and it's fear-based, yeah, some of that is just the natural I'm coming up against something in my comfort zone and I don't want to get out of my comfort zone.
So I don't want to see people beat themselves up for that. That's almost like an ignorance state. I just didn't know what I didn't know. But once my eyes were opened, if I didn't take steps that follow through, that's the stuff I need to be more honest with myself about on what was that about? What was it that took me the two years to actually finally then find a podcast or pick up a book or call a therapist or talk to a friend about this. Because we all have the developmental process of I want to grow into something and stretch into something, and I need some time for under the water, under the surface of the water work before I can really bring it up to above the surface and do it because it's scary to really speak a truth or do something different or try something else in my sexual arena that yeah, that's a real stretch to me.
So I'm more curious for them now is how do you celebrate where you are now, and realize the work that you've gone through in the 22 years to get here, you still got a lot of time left. Celebrate that. Test it out.
Pam Allan: Keep working.
Corey Allan: Keep working. See how adventurous you can be and have fun, and then let us know.
All right, Pam. So this is one that we have not talked about on this show before.
Pam Allan: What? Okay. I guess there's plenty of topics that we probably still haven't-
Corey Allan: Absolutely.
Pam Allan: We still haven't covered.
Corey Allan: It might have been alluded to. I'm going through the archives in my head, but I don't think it has been. At least to this detail we're about to go. So this is from a husband that says, "Thank you for your podcast. It's been very encouraging to me and instrumental in me being a better husband. I have an issue which I'm hoping you can shed some light on. Lately I have found myself being drawn to women's underwear. I don't want to be a woman. I love being a man, and I love my wife with all my heart. But I have occasions where the thought of wearing women's underwear is very appealing. This I believe started after my wife got me a pair of men's thongs which I've enjoyed very much wearing. I even got myself a few more. Now I'm very drawn to the garments which are very feminine. I have a desire to purchase them, but first I need to talk to my wife to be sure that she's okay with it."
"At the same time, I can't help but think I'm heading in a sinful direction. I only care to wear these clothes privately and not to advertise to anyone. There's an inner battle in me, and I don't get it. So I would appreciate your counsel."
Pam Allan: Well, if it's just wearing something...
Corey Allan: Right. First off is the idea of personally, the idea of a thong for a man, I don't equate to feminine.
Pam Allan: I don't equate that either.
Corey Allan: I don't think a thong is feminine or masculine. It's neither. It's just erotic more so than a lot of the other underwear options that are out there.
Pam Allan: Right. I would agree with that.
Corey Allan: Some of the way it's described is... Because the subject line of this email was actually what are our thoughts on cross-dressing. Which can lead to a lot of different reactions from people when you hear that word. But it's just recognizing what I'm hearing in it is he's drawn to the erotic side of it and also maybe the texture of the women's undergarment.
Pam Allan: They can definitely be silky and more alluring.
Corey Allan: They are different than a lot of men's underwears that are out there.
Pam Allan: Better than a pair of tighty whiteys or something.
Corey Allan: If you put it in the standardized men's and women's undergarment realm, there's a huge difference between the two in the way they feel. So I can understand the idea of the texture of that is so much more appealing. So in that regard, great. Enjoy it.
Pam Allan: Yeah. I guess I don't-
Corey Allan: That's feeling good.
Pam Allan: I don't necessarily think that what he's referring to at least in that email I would call cross-dressing. I guess then the followup question is is he concerned about what is wife thinks, right? Does it wig her out if he's... I'm guessing-
Corey Allan: I'm curious.
Pam Allan: She bought him the thong.
Corey Allan: I'm curious what the impotence to that way. That had to be a backstory of some sort because it's not very often where a spouse would just, "Hey, I just bought these for you." There's typically it's meaning something.
Pam Allan: Well, maybe it's something she digs and she wanted to see him in it.
Corey Allan: Maybe so. She digs it. It's that idea of, "Okay. Wait, that's just showing off more of you," because maybe he's got a particularly good body, especially when it's in a thong. I think it's what I'm hearing in all of this when I initially read it too when it came in a couple of weeks ago was I'm hearing the taboo and the borderline... This is like what we talked about at the getaway where the wife found the husband's dildo, and that in a lot of people's minds, that immediately equates to same sex attraction and homosexuality. When no, not necessarily. Sometimes we need to slow down, ask some pointed questions because I'm just hearing this because the way he's framing it as I don't have a desire to be feminine. I'm drawn to the feminine undergarment. I'm drawn to some nuance of it, some aspect of it.
Pam Allan: Well, that's all he's saying in the... That's what he comes out and says in the email, right?
Corey Allan: It is. But there's something more in it in the way I'm hearing this because he can't help but think he's heading in a sinful direction. Right? Because I'm thinking there's an undercurrent in this that's got more to it because there's some nuance, some added flare, some...
Pam Allan: Well, if there's so much baggage there though when you're talking about heading in a sinful direction, that could just be that the way he grew up. Any thought of-
Corey Allan: True.
Pam Allan: Even looking at crosstalk-
Corey Allan: Any thought of anything erotic like that.
Pam Allan: Yeah, it would be "sinful". It's not what it's saying here. So I think there's a lot of meaning behind what he's throwing out there that you and I don't have the knowledge at.
Corey Allan: We don't because we don't have enough of the backstory for him.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: Again, I think where you and I both would land, where I will definitely land with this is if it's something that's between you and your wife and it's a secret thing that she's onboard with, okay with, even if it's further than this-
Pam Allan: Secret with the two of you. Don't keep a secret from each other.
Corey Allan: Thank you for the clarification. It sounds like it's one of those things that it's openly discussed. Then what's the meanings of them, and how do you celebrate them? How do you kind of embrace them because these are the things that... The things in our life, especially in our sexual side of things. The things that I think are no go, taboo, bad, I have a part of me that gets drawn even more to them. But if I can disarm some of that taboo to see it as what's the real meaning of this? Not the wet paint, do not touch. But instead what's underneath it all? What's my desire to test that out? What is it really tied to? Because what I think of is a story Shannon would say, and she said this way back in the archives too, of a man that was drawn to women's pantyhose. It was because-
Pam Allan: She shared this at one of the getaways as well.
Corey Allan: Right. Because as a child, he had incredibly fond memories of being able to, as a kid, straddle grandma's leg while she rocked him and bounced him up and down.
Pam Allan: Like giddy up, giddy up, ole rocking horse.
Corey Allan: That brought fond memories and a connection to that garment. So it wasn't necessarily a sexual fetish as much as it was understanding a meaning of, wait, there's ways that that can still be navigated within the context of a marriage rather than going further. That's what I'm hearing from him of hey, you have a wife that's a good sounding board to things it sounds like. So bring the stuff out in the open, and if she's like, "Ah, no. That's too far," now you can start to look at, "Okay. What's the real meaning of this? What's my drive or desire to want to push that even further or test something out."
Or if it's not that, then celebrate it and wear something that makes you feel good underneath your clothes as you go throughout the day. Walk around proudly. That's no different than how we encourage every one of us to have confidence in how you get yourself going each day, how you carry yourself, how you conduct yourself. If there's something going on that adds a spark and a flare to your life, especially as a sexual little ting there, great. Have a great time and enjoy the journey. Just keep it out in the open as much as you can with your wife.
Pam Allan: For sure.
Corey Allan: I'm never ceasing to be amazed by the Sexy Marriage Radio nation. The emails that we get, the feedback that we get, the support that we get, the encouragements that we get.
Pam Allan: The fun that they have together on the community... Yeah. I'm right there with you.
Corey Allan: All the way around, it's so great to be a part of something where we can help frame conversations. It impacts people which then impacts their people that they touch and interact with and on and down the line it goes. It's such a blessing. It's because of Sexy Marriage Radio nation we get to keep doing this thing.
Pam Allan: Love it. Thank you.
Corey Allan: Absolutely. Well, that's all for today. If there's anything we left undone, let us know. 214-702-9565, email@example.com, or if you're not a part of our platform at my.passionatelymarried.net, jump onboard and jump into the conversations because there's some great people there. You can be one of them. We'll see you next time.
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