Top iTunes Marriage Podcast

13+ Million Downloads

hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

I Only Orgasm In My Sleep #491

On the Regular version of today’s show …

Do you spend money like a Millennial? 

An email from a wife who experiences orgasms only in her sleep, and is also married to a narcissist. 

On the Xtended version …

More questions to ask yourself when you are attempting to address the problems in life, not just alleviate the pain.

Enjoy the show!

Sponsors …

The State Of Our Union: Weekly conversation prompts to have meaningful conversations.

Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps!  If your review is chosen and read on the podcast (anonymously, of course!), you’ll win a very special prize!

Got a question?

Call/Text us at  214-702-9565

or email us at

You've turned on sexy marriage radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, dr. Corey Allan.
Corey Allan: [00:00:18] Welcome back to another episode of sexy marriage radio. Where we're having straightforward, honest conversations each and every week about what goes on in your marriage. And apparently last week's episode , created the little stir.
Pam Allan: [00:00:33] Yeah. hopeless,
Corey Allan: [00:00:33] the people, or
Pam Allan: [00:00:35] hit a wrong nerve or
Corey Allan: [00:00:37] you sides of it , that that kinda resonated.
It sounded like one was the extended. There was some pretty good banter. It's via email with me. and then also secondarily a little bit on Slack with them within the Academy. Right on just looking at the difference between addressing the pain versus the problem. Right. and so that was really good, but then the whole idea of filming, is it okay to film a sexual encounter?
what do you think. You know, we were like roll tape, you know, just there's some things you can take, but one of the things, one of the things that was kind of interesting is I'm wondering if maybe we need to in the future, do a show on how, how do you create the best film? Maybe we can become a help.
People produce something that's really good by just giving them good information on how do you set up everything to make it the best. So, I mean, if you want to know, let us know (214) 702-9565, and we'll. We'll see what we can do, but we don't have theater backgrounds, but Hey, you know,
We're so glad that each and every week that the SMR nation turns in some time with us and that they ask us the questions and they let us know in the aforementioned two one four, seven Oh two nine five six five is our voicemail line or feedback, sexy marriage, We also asked the nation to constantly go out and tell their friends.
And I love that we get emails from people that are showing. Yeah. I just found you guys from. And it was a friend or
Pam Allan: [00:02:10] yeah, be bold. Share it. I mean, help if you love your friends, share it with them. Right. Cause if you're getting some benefit out of it, you know, your friends will.
Corey Allan: [00:02:21] Exactly. And that's, that's the whole goal that we've got is just try to help married life, be all that it can be because we know people are struggling and they're having some successes and we want to share both sides of that with people.
So coming up on today's regular free version of sexy marriage radio. one of your questions in our answers, and then I've got some information on, do you spend money like a millennial? And I know it doesn't quite fit the sexy marriage radio side of it, but it's kind of fun because money is an aspect of marriage.
It's one of the major stressors I'm going to ask my wife. What does she think? on. Do we spend money like millennials? Oh, that'd be fun. Yeah. They coming up on the extended version, which is deeper longer, and there are no ads. You can forward slash SMR Academy. We're going to continue the conversation from last week on and go a little bit deeper with some questions to ask.
If you're moving beyond just pain remedy to dealing with the problem. What are some specific questions to ask? Yourself,
Pam Allan: [00:03:27] how was it getting to say yourself or your spouse?
Corey Allan: [00:03:29] Both. Okay. But it starts, you know, full well sexy marriage radio. The whole message is it starts with you and dealing with yourself better.
And so we're going to dive a little bit deeper into what do you do if you really wanted to roll up your sleeves, take the courageous step and address the problem. Yeah. All that's coming up on today's show.
so Pam, over the years that I've been doing a sexy marriage radio, and then simple marriage, which was the blog that started, uh, my presence online. I've, I've subscribed to a whole lot of other bloggers podcasts, just like a little network of people and. I came across this one from, I don't even remember the show.
I think it was Christian personal finance, is the one that they, they have a podcast and a blog that goes along with it. And they, they made the, the, the whole topic was on. Do you spend money like a millennial? And so there's 10 questions that there's, there's research done that this is what millennials are doing.
When it comes to how they're handling money and the whole context of money. And so you and I are definitely not millennials. And so let's see where we overlap. So there's 10. So I'm going to need you to keep track of if we're a yes or a no.
Pam Allan: [00:04:43] Okay. I'm curious if they're saying the millennials are doing it well or not.
Did they give an opinion? Yeah.
Corey Allan: [00:04:48] No, it's just the data, right? It's just, and so I think everybody can add their own judgment as they're listening to this in the SMR nation on, is that trend a good one or not? And that's going to be, in the eyes of the beholder in large ways. So here's number one. Okay. So 60% of millennials will spend more than $4 on a single cup of coffee.
Pam Allan: [00:05:13] Okay. Am I supposed to answer you right now? Yeah.
Corey Allan: [00:05:16] Heck no. Right. We don't do that. No, it's very rare that we might spend something like that on I might. But not usually. Cause I don't actually, I don't know if I ever would, just because I don't do any of the fruit through
Pam Allan: [00:05:30] I treat my daughter to it once in a while because.
That's her language and she's, it speaks to her. And that, that is a treat for her.
Corey Allan: [00:05:39] Right. But 60% will spend more than $4 on a cup of coffee. Okay. Number two, 70% of millennials will spend the extra money to eat at the trendy restaurant.
Pam Allan: [00:05:53] That's going to be no again.
Corey Allan: [00:05:55] Okay.
Pam Allan: [00:05:58] Yeah. I mean, we have our staples that we enjoy going to, which, you know, I like adventure.
I like different things, but I'd rather have a hole in the wall somewhere. I'd rather have the burger joint off a weird, huh.
Corey Allan: [00:06:09] That's what I was in my head. Trying to think through with your. interest in the novelty and adventure and trying things out. I almost would lean a little more towards where I closer on board with that.
We might actually be a little more likely to do that, just to test it out. But yeah,
Pam Allan: [00:06:25] well, trendy, doesn't speak to me in
Corey Allan: [00:06:28] adventure. We're defining different. Right on where you're, where you're landing with this, I think is, is, is where I, I agree with what you're saying, but I was almost interpreting it a little different until you just defined it that way.
Okay. Number three, 69% of millennials will buy clothes for reasons beyond basic necessity.
I'm curious about this one, because I think there's a lot of generations that have done this one
Pam Allan: [00:06:58] money on clothes. I have fun shopping and yeah, my, I have a closet full of clothes that if we're just talking necessity, right. I would probably trim away. 85% of my closet.
Corey Allan: [00:07:14] Okay.
Pam Allan: [00:07:14] Right. Cause you don't need that much stuff in all reality.
Corey Allan: [00:07:18] It's true. What percentage would you do away with in the SMR nation? This is a poll to those that are out there listening. If you were to get rid of what's just a necessity, what percentage would you think. Would limit how, you know, how much would that eliminate some of your closet?
Pam Allan: [00:07:34] Right. Well, I mean, how many jackets does, does one need, but you get one that looks cute in this scenario or that scenario with this outfit, or looks good with this workout outfit.
I don't know. Okay. yeah. So I'd say that one's more of a, yes.
Corey Allan: [00:07:49] I think I might, there might be spurts for me. That that would be a yes, but the majority of the time it's no, because several years ago I went and did that a hundred thing, challenge where I narrowed everything down of personal items to less than a two or a hundred items or less.
And that I remember you came home the weekend. I did that where I boxed up three boxes of clothes, stuck them in the garage. And was going to go through this challenge and see if I could go three months. Yeah. And you were like, sweet look at how much closet space I've got now.
Pam Allan: [00:08:18] And I've pretty much successfully taken over most of that.
Corey Allan: [00:08:21] Cause I haven't really added much beyond it.
Pam Allan: [00:08:23] Yeah. I'm not saying that's good, but it kind of has spilled over.
Corey Allan: [00:08:28] All right. Number four, millennials use credit cards, 32% more than other generations.
Pam Allan: [00:08:36] Wow. 32% more. Well, this is a weird one to answer because this is a weird one to answer because, we use it just to get the points and we pay it off every month.
Corey Allan: [00:08:48] Some of it is, I think is societal, especially during the pandemic when you're starting to see, please exact change only like there's a
Pam Allan: [00:08:57] shortage.
Corey Allan: [00:08:58] And there everything is trending more towards, they want to go electronic. So some of that I think is the way society has gone that credit cards are just the reality of the way people are living or debit cards or something.
Pam Allan: [00:09:13] Yeah. Yeah. So that one's not so weird. I mean, that's what they use plastic all the time.
Corey Allan: [00:09:18] Great one and you just alluded to it on the way we operate. So number five, 48% of millennials do not carry a balance on their credit cards.
Pam Allan: [00:09:29] Fabulous.
Corey Allan: [00:09:30] That's higher than I was expecting.
Pam Allan: [00:09:31] Yeah. And I mean,
Corey Allan: [00:09:33] that's us too, what you want to do.
I mean, that's, that's trying to be a really good steward. Is that
Pam Allan: [00:09:38] CMI for this show or
Corey Allan: [00:09:40] no, can really start to wreak. A lot of havoc though, is his credit cards in and of itself with a balance, just the APR, you know, all that kind of stuff does get so out of control. All right. Number six. 65% of millennials have not written a check in a law in the last year.
Pam Allan: [00:09:59] Well, that's not us, but, did they even know what a check was?
Corey Allan: [00:10:03] That's a great question because it is one of those that it's like, if you think of the whole world of auto pay, Just credit card, online, everything, you know, we live in a much more automated society.
Pam Allan: [00:10:18] Yeah. Number four. And number six, kind of go together.
Right? If they're using more credit, they're not writing a check. Everything's automated
Corey Allan: [00:10:24] number seven 69% of millennials use their phone to pay for stuff.
Pam Allan: [00:10:31] Well, this is a yes for Cory and a no for paint.
Corey Allan: [00:10:34] I love Apple pay and that whole aspect of it, of just using my phone. I'm actually, I've actually been looking for a case that I could put a little wallet on it.
So, all I have to do is carry my phone.
Pam Allan: [00:10:47] See that just scares the crap out of me. I'm scared enough if I lose my phone, then all my contacts and things are in there, but I want to avoid putting anything on there that someone could easily access my banking info with. I don't want that. Because I've just heard of people getting their phone stolen and boom, all of a sudden they have access to everything.
Corey Allan: [00:11:11] That's fair. But I, that, wasn't just kind of funny cause I don't, have you ever even paid with anything for your phone, with your phone? I don't think so either.
Pam Allan: [00:11:20] I don't have the ability to them
Corey Allan: [00:11:22] number that's right. You haven't even set it up. Number eight. 50% of millennials spend money on Uber and Lyft.
Pam Allan: [00:11:30] Okay, this is funny. Cause I feel like an old fogy on this one. I've never, I haven't done that one.
Corey Allan: [00:11:37] No, I've never even searched for the app to be able to do it on either one. I see them a bunch. I know people that are Uber's or Lyft, drivers,
Pam Allan: [00:11:49] friends doing it all the time
Corey Allan: [00:11:50] clients, right?
Pam Allan: [00:11:52] Nope,
Corey Allan: [00:11:53] not me.
Number nine. I
Pam Allan: [00:11:54] wonder how much of that is living in suburbia too?
Corey Allan: [00:11:57] I don't know. Cause the people we know up here are our Lyft drivers. So yeah, it fits, but we've not know. Number nine 47% of millennials dine out or eat out three times or more per week.
Pam Allan: [00:12:12] Oh, we're totally in that.
Corey Allan: [00:12:14] I would love to see the numbers because this is obviously pre pandemic.
Because this could have shifted some things for some people, because it was easier, you know, even as odd as it sounds when you're holed up at home. There's something refreshing about, let's go pick up food, right? Yeah. And so I'm wondering what that, what that could do if you add 20, 20 into the mix of this kind of a study or data.
Okay. And then number 10, 50, 8% of millennials do not carry cash or ever use cash.
Pam Allan: [00:12:51] That is not,
Corey Allan: [00:12:53] correct.
Pam Allan: [00:12:54] Yeah. It's just too convenient.
Corey Allan: [00:12:56] It is. and some of it is, you know, like right now it's situational for us, because like, when we go to our son's football games to get in the gate, you gotta have cash because it's a small one, a league that he's in a six man football.
Right. So
Pam Allan: [00:13:11] yeah, when I go to the farmer's market and buy from a lot of the local places, I don't want them to have to pay the credit card fees too. I like to have cash for them to just. Hand that over just cause I know we only have a small business and I, the credit card fees add up,
Corey Allan: [00:13:25] they do add up. That's true.
Okay. So what do we got babe? Out of 10? How many were yeses? Four of them. Four. Hey, so we're not millennial. Okay. Who knew?
Pam Allan: [00:13:38] Okay. Fun for us. I don't know if anybody listening had any fun with that, but fun for us.
Corey Allan: [00:13:45] Yeah.
All right, Pam. So here's the topic. I love it because I don't know if it's ever come up before on throughout the history of the show. So this is from a wife that it was introduced to our podcast, through the episodes that I did and the YouTube videos I did with Dennis Marcus of melt the cup massage for couples.
So I really appreciate that we were encouraging. And so her situation seemed unique. But thought it would be interesting, at least it's a share. So here you go. The first problem is that I only orgasm in my sleep. A few times a year at most it isn't tied to my dreams, what I did that day or week or anything going on in my life.
It isn't uncommon for women, but it certainly isn't discussed much. There seems to be some research done on this, and it's much more common in women who are also neurotic. Technically, I have mild to moderate Aspergers. However, I'm extremely high functioning. I would love to find out more information about the situation.
And perhaps if there's any success in women like me achieving orgasm while awake, I feel like I physically tried a lot of things for several years, but maybe I'm missing something important to the situation. Second situation is I'm married to a narcissist. We've been married 15 years and he understands that this is a part of his personality, and that can actually be a good thing because it helps him to be very successful at work.
He's a very good father. As he sees our children as an extension of himself, he has great hygiene, et cetera, but he also sees that as it can be problematic in dealing with relationships, I don't allow him to treat me badly to get his way all the time or to act like a spoiled brat, but he does try sometimes.
The difficult part with this is that I'm actually the higher desire spouse, but I feel that things are definitely on his schedule and that's a big turnoff. And then lastly, my wife's husband works a lot. So this fits exactly what that second issue. He works like 70 plus hours. Yeah. Week. I feel that we will go as long as possible without sex because he's tired and overwhelmed.
Which I deal with by distracting myself and working from home planning activities, et cetera, he will suddenly decide he's in the mood and become overly aggressive, doing things that he considers romantic. And these seem especially. So after being put on the back burner for three or more weeks, I let him know that I don't work like that.
And he becomes defensive. I try to explain it as gently as possible, what my needs are and how he can meet those. But he takes that as a rejection and that I'm not interested or appreciative of him. We end up fighting about it for a few days before we can get anywhere. I would love a man's perspective on this and possibly ideas of ways of breaking this cycle.
That's been going on for years. I know there's a lot there.
Pam Allan: [00:16:21] Yeah, there is a lot there.
Corey Allan: [00:16:22] And the reason I'm using all three of these is I think they all interweave. That's where I was want to go with it. They're
Pam Allan: [00:16:29] all three of her questions I
Corey Allan: [00:16:31] do. Yes. That route I want to go. And the reason is because I don't have the data from her on, I only orgasm while asleep was this pre-marriage too.
Right, right. Because I don't know. I mean, sometimes if it is, I did do some research through, on women and orgasming while they're asleep. That absolutely mean men can have wet dreams. They're typically tied to a dream. She's saying they're not. I'm curious if they are, but they're just not remembered cause him can't.
We have times where we dream, but we, it's not at a level that is registered, that we're dreaming even. And so I'm curious about that, but I'm more curious about how this has probably manifest itself more during the marriage, because. What she has the possibility of having sex with isn't all that appealing.
If you look at a lot of the aspects of the way he does life,
Pam Allan: [00:17:28] right. And his association with her.
Corey Allan: [00:17:30] Yeah. Right. And I just be relational. I don't mean attractiveness and I don't mean character necessarily. I just mean the dynamics of, so I'm not trying to make a judgment call of this guy. Right. But there is an element of thinking through this, that, how do I look at it as you know what, in a lot of ways, my marriage.
Isn't arousing. It can be functional a lot of other ways, but it isn't arousing. And so it's not at all beyond the realm of possibility to think. Well, you would be aroused when you were sleeping. And maybe something else there up
Pam Allan: [00:18:08] interesting though, that, you know, if, if she had, I'm curious if she attempts to masturbate and that's she, and that's,
Corey Allan: [00:18:17] I'm kind of guessing that there's a, it's alluded there.
Yeah. Because she's tried a bunch of things.
Pam Allan: [00:18:24] But to still not be able to orgasm in that scenario. I guess
Corey Allan: [00:18:31] this is a little bit of a commercial, I guess you could say for an upcoming episode, because I just recorded one with dr. Laurie Mintz, again, that becoming clitoral. she's the author of that. And we talked about at length, the aspects of the female orgasm.
And so there could be some really good information that's coming and I'll allude to it because she talks about the importance of masturbation, because it just does help you understand yourself better, especially when it's an exploration and it's out in the open, that's the stance. We've always taken that I'm not hiding it and I'm not doing it to the detriment or, avoidance of my spouse.
Right. I'm using it as the gap between the higher, lower, and I'm using it as just an understanding of myself, but then she added. a component of a phrase of the importance of a vibrator, because the vibration motion works really well with a clitoral. Yeah. That those two really do well and respond well,
Pam Allan: [00:19:31] which is why that market has done so well,
Corey Allan: [00:19:33] hopefully.
And so I don't know if that it's been incorporated in, in her adventures in exploration and experiments to see okay. But the one thing I think of, and this is where I want to pivot from it towards the other components of how do you deal with the dynamics of right. He works a lot. And when he's in the mood, he is all of a sudden, hyper aggressive, even hyper assertive.
And so I love her terminology because I think this is what we all try to do. I've tried to explain this to him gently, but you know how, when you're trying to explain to somebody when they're revved up. It just doesn't ever really land. Sure. Right. It's like trying to talk to our kids when they're anxious about something and you're using logic to calm them down and they're like that doesn't just make you calm down.
Pam Allan: [00:20:21] There's no logic when they're kind of
Corey Allan: [00:20:23] right. And so it's the same kind of thing that all of a sudden, there's this flood in his brain, if you will, of hormone and desire. And so it's just heading that way and. When you shoot back at, Hey, no, I don't respond this way. This isn't appealing. Yeah. He's going to hear that as a rejection, but I would say that's his move of still trying to get what he wants rather than see it as, you know what ma'am, that's just his move.
If he wants to take it as a rejection. Fine. Because some of it is. Right. It's like, I don't like that. Well,
Pam Allan: [00:21:01] I, and she doesn't like the rejection either. Nobody's fond of it. True. and if he's not the one listening, he's not the one listening, meaning to the, the show. And he's not the one trying to work on this aspect of the relationship.
There's not going to be much movement there and how he deals with rejection. Right. So it's kind of, yeah. I mean, am I wrong in saying this kind of going to be on her and how she going to continue to react to that?
Corey Allan: [00:21:30] Well, this right, this is, this is for her trying to just, how do you solidify? Not necessarily.
And this is where I think you need to parse it out. So thanks for kind of setting this up, Pam. W let's, let's go kind of global first. Okay. Every one of us wants to be shown love. Demonstrated, love. Expressed love in certain ways. And we try to teach that to our spouse. I would love it. If you would just come up and snuggle next to me, I would love it.
If you would come up and rub my shoulders, I would love it. If you would just go for a grope as you walk past or, you know, whatever it might be, that that's the kind of erotic I want to have from you. And that almost without fail, lands on a spouse of Oh, okay. But it usually doesn't resonate as in a fundamental, Oh, I'll start doing everything they're asking me to do.
Right, right. That's just human nature. Right. Right. Because that almost takes away. There's that part within us. That's like, don't tell me what to do. I'm going to show you love the way I want to show you love. And I'm just kind of doing a macro level conversation first.
Pam Allan: [00:22:38] Yeah. I think there's that. I think there's also the.
well, now if I do it, they're just going to think I'm doing it. Cause they told me to do it and it's not
Corey Allan: [00:22:47] for sure. Okay. So, and that's what, that's, what can feed into it because there is still this element of no, I like expressing love the way I express love. And this is where the whole mechanism of growth comes into play in the marriage of that pressure becomes more inherent on both parties to determine, can I incorporate some of what they're asking and it still be me in genuine, or do I have to just follow the playbook?
And that's what they really care about. Cause they don't really want me, they just want the play and this is where it gets to the deeper meanings of stuff. Okay. So she's trying to teach him differently while at the same time, let him down softly. I would separate those two suckers. Okay. That when he's coming at it in a turnoff, just deal with the fact that it's a turnoff, you know what, honey, the way you're coming at me right now, doesn't work.
I'm not, it's not. And just leave it at that. Not creating what I think it is. You're looking for. Don't try to add any solutions in that moment.
Pam Allan: [00:23:54] So when do you treat someone, teach someone how to treat you? When are the solutions coming into play?
Corey Allan: [00:24:00] We're always teaching people how to treat us. And so some of that you look back, you look back at, okay, how am I possibly.
Stepping on the thing I'm frustrated about already, right? Because I allow this in other ways or wherever in a different area of my life or it's possible. So at least have the courage to do that introspection. And we're also kind of leading into where the extended content is going today with this, with this right here.
Okay. But the other is a lot of times when I will finally make a fundamentally different move to separate those out of. Okay. That's not working so no good, no, go right now. Right. And then I remove myself from the situation or I do something different than I normally would do when faced with this, that most of the time
disrupts the system to where it's greater likelihood, then. At some point maybe soon thereafter or during the next cycle of this, when you do the same move, he will then have to self-regulate a little differently and then probably ask, okay, so what are we trying to accomplish here? What is the real goal?
What is a better way? And now all of a sudden he's coming at it from a different stance and the scary thing about this whole reason why we don't do this is because I'm afraid. If I really put my foot down. And say that doesn't work then all of a sudden now he's going to be okay.
Pam Allan: [00:25:37] Never tries again.
Corey Allan: [00:25:39] Yeah.
Yep. That is a possibility
Pam Allan: [00:25:42] possible. No, not likely. I mean, He, at least in some sort of cycle comes around and does make a move. It sounds like. So that just doesn't go well. Right.
Corey Allan: [00:25:56] I'm just curious how it is that she's coming at this whole thing and this let's bring it all back together for all three of these things.
How is she pursuing something in a relational dynamic that is. Her being who she wants to be. And as she sees herself going after this too, cause if she's the higher desire, that means the majority of the investigations are on her. So how is she conducting herself in that manner? How is she coming after things.
Which I could see where maybe it's, that's a huge conundrum because if a lot of us seek sex, because I really want the goal of orgasm, but yet I don't achieve that unless I'm asleep a couple of times a year, why would I seek it with something? Why would I seek those moments when I'm not going to achieve it?
Goal? That's a conundrum.
Pam Allan: [00:26:46] It is, it is. I mean, you know, we talked about you don't always have to have that goal in mind, but we like having that goal, right. That, that is something that we enjoy achieving and it's worth striving for
Corey Allan: [00:27:01] it. At least going down the path of exploration. And I liked that just Zimmerman in the webinar we did just recently to refer to it.
I just go to the playground. Yeah, and it doesn't matter which apparatus you go to metaphorically speaking, just go play and see where that leads you. And so what if you change the connotation to where it's not just, you know, what I'm really interested in sex, it's just, I want to get to, I want to get naked and just play around with you for that.
And let's just see what happens. And maybe that helps take some of the pressure off, which are the blockages in the breaks that are leading to this issue. Or, and maybe if, what if you did the same thing solo. Of like, okay, this isn't just trying to reach orgasm. This is about what feels good. And I don't have to follow it through to, can it be, I just kind of slowly wait, make my way to it and see if that gets you any further down the road.
Cause I think that's the whole point is just movement. Not necessarily the goal

I don't know about you, Pam, but, when he say after we wrap this show up, more than $4, a cup of coffee, he interested.
Pam Allan: [00:28:10] How about we make our own coffee and then like spend money on something else.
Corey Allan: [00:28:20] This is sexy marriage radio. Now this is kind of a fun one because we added in something. We don't, you know, a little area. We don't usually go. Yeah. When we're talking about just millennials and stages of life and money, but man, they are all impacts on marriage and they're all aspects of, of doing life together.
And if it's not one thing that's going to trip us up. It's okay. That'd be another. And so we're here for you. Let us know what we can, where we can go for you. That will help. (214) 702-9565 or feedback, sexy marriage,, wherever you are and whatever you've been doing. Thanks so much for taking some time out of your week to spend it with us again.
We'll see you next time.