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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Labels, Disabilities and Meanings #452

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On the Regular version of today’s show …

A husband asks for our thought regarding a better term to use when referring to a specific part of his wife’s body.

An email from a spouse asking for help in approaching their sex life when one of them is disabled. 

On the Xtended version …

Love and Respect, is one more important than the other in marriage? What role and meaning do each of these play?

Enjoy the show!

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Corey Allan: Welcome to Sexy Marriage Radio. One of the things I've listened to, all the different shows every so often that we do, and I have found that I have a cadence in the manner in which I bring every show in to be with, Hey, welcome to Sexy Marriage Radio and it's kind of the same cutting it. So that time, I tried to go different.

Pam Allan: Okay. How'd it feel?

Corey Allan: Different. Weird. Odd. Because any time-

Pam Allan: It's like sitting at a different chair at the table or something?

Corey Allan: Yeah. Anytime you do something a little different, there's a little awkwardness to it, which you know what? It's kind of like sex and marriage sometimes.

Pam Allan: Lean into it.

Corey Allan: When you try some things that are different, sometimes it's just going to feel awkward. Well, that's what happened with me, but enough about me. This is Sexy Marriage Radio. Thanks for jumping on each and every week with us and being part of the Sexy Marriage Radio nation. We love to know that there are people out there that we can help frame a conversation about what's going on in married life and how sex can be better, how marriage can be better, and all that's in between. If you want to jump on the show with any kind of questions, comments, thoughts, criticisms, feedback, praise, whatever, feedback at Also, you can call us at (214) 702-9565 and ask your questions for the show. And we can alter your voice a little bit if you've got a question that you're like, I don't want anybody recognizing my voice. I can distort it.

Pam Allan: Good point.

Corey Allan: So that way, leave a voicemail, let us know, (214) 702-9565. And then the last thing we ask of the Sexy Marriage Radio nation, other than showing up every week and listening, is jump on iTunes or Spotify or iHeart Radio, or however you choose to listen, and write and review. Leave a comment. Help us spread the word that married sex is the hotbed for sex, because we want it to just get better for everybody.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And speaking of better, I just got back this past weekend from four days with one of the alumni mastermind groups that's been together for over three years now.

Pam Allan: Yeah. This is your first time to get away and have this, what did I say, fourth. Did I say first?

Corey Allan: This was the fourth year.

Pam Allan: Okay, fourth.

Corey Allan: Yeah, it's not the first. Yes.

Pam Allan: Did I say first?

Corey Allan: You said first.

Pam Allan: I meant fourth.

Corey Allan: Are you feeling awkward now with-

Pam Allan: Nah.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: I do that all the time.

Corey Allan: But it was just a great time with these six most solid individuals I come across, just because I've had a lot of life with them. And so fellas, you are a blessing to my life. You're a blessing to my marriage. And thank you for the time that we get to spend and just go deep. I come home tired though, so it's a great getaway, but man, it's some deep conversations that go on all the time.

Pam Allan: That's good.

Corey Allan: It's a great thing. Well, coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is a couple of your questions and our answers. And then, on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is longer, deeper, and there's no ads, you can subscribe at

Corey Allan: We're going to have a conversation that took place a little bit in the Academy, but they will, we'll build off it just a little bit more, on the idea of what's different between respect and love and is there a hierarchy of the two? And so all that's coming up on today's show.

Corey Allan: I want to take a quick caveat, Pam, before we dive into the first question from an email that came up with another conversation I've had about how, Hey, just ... there was a husband that had pointed out to me just recently, Hey, don't forget about us lower desire husbands that are out there.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: I mean we talk about the higher desire wife at times. There's episodes in the archives and, by the way, with sexy marriage radio and and its new site, it's much more searchable. So if there's something-

Pam Allan: Right, that's good to point out.

Corey Allan: If there's something you're looking for that you can't find, if you go to the search bar at and type in whatever it is, we've indexed everything a whole lot better, including podcasts now. So there should be content that's easier to find and the hope would be, we can get it in your hands faster.

Corey Allan: Another little quick technical thing that needs to be added is if over the last three weeks or so you have not received any emails from SMR nation, I need you to go resubscribe, because we parsed down the email list and some just got taken away. And so, some people that normally were getting stuff from us via email aren't anymore. And so, if you go to, join the free marriage library that gets you back on the list, that keeps you up to date with what's going on plus additional information that we send out, that's just going to be helpful.

Pam Allan: Right. So if you were using those and all of a sudden they stopped.

Corey Allan: Right. If you haven't heard from us in 2020, we've sent a lot out in 2020. And so, if you've not gotten any of the emails, jump back on please and subscribe to be on our email list. It's free, simple, but that way you know all the ins and outs of what's going on here a little bit more, plus some added bonus information.

Corey Allan: But one of the things that came up in the conversation about the lower desire husband is there was a challenge that was issued to this particular lower desire husband about, he was like, Corey, I'm not sure how to keep up. It's not that he's not interested in a sense of, I don't enjoy it. It's none of that. It's just the whole, I can't keep up. It's just my wife's desire is just higher than mine. And so, biologically speaking, I don't bring it up if it's not on my mind, which is a very common thing.

Pam Allan: Common for low-

Corey Allan: Male or female.

Pam Allan: Yep.

Corey Allan: And so, we actually posed to him the idea of, well, what if you saw this whole process as play the role of Jeeves for her. That you could be a servant-

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: For her.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And so, what did he go do? He went out and bought a bell.

Pam Allan: Okay. Nice.

Corey Allan: So now, if she's a little randy, interested.

Pam Allan: She rings the bell.

Corey Allan: It's not on his radar, she can just ring a bell.

Pam Allan: How does that help him biologically keep up with her desire then?

Corey Allan: But that's the whole point. It's not about trying to biologically keep up with her. It's about still being engaged, because as a man, biologically even if the penis isn't working-

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Other things on your body do.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: And so there's nothing to say the biology won't kick in as your being around as a servant, helping steer towards her pleasure. That could be something that a lot of men can harness some power that comes from that pleasure to then all of a sudden biologically be interested.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: But it's still-

Pam Allan: So they just steered it a little differently.

Corey Allan: I have to give props to the idea of a bell.

Pam Allan: I wonder if he has a bow tie that he wears.

Corey Allan: A bow tie-

Pam Allan: And that's it.

Corey Allan: A little arm towel-

Pam Allan: Arm towel.

Corey Allan: Hanging over his forearm.

Pam Allan: Right, right.

Corey Allan: You rang, ma'am? I think that'd be a fantastic response to the ringing of the bell.

Corey Allan: All right. This is an email that just came in that we are quick to the draw to answer, because this just hit the inbox at feedback at And it says, first of all, thanks so much for what you and your wife have created with Sexy Marriage Radio. It's been a blessing to me to be able to hear and learn about sex and intimacy from a Christian perspective. Sexy Marriage Radio is far and away the best podcast radio program on sex out there. The other ones are so out of balance and not from a Christian worldview and those that are are boring and not specific.

Corey Allan: Although I don't always agree with some of our suggestions, we always emphasize communication with your spouse above all else, which that's exactly true.

Pam Allan: Key, yes. That's key.

Corey Allan: We want to frame conversations and then you apply it to your-

Pam Allan: Your relationship.

Corey Allan: Situation, your structure.

Corey Allan: So I'm thankful for my wife and our ability to discuss intimacy and the issues that we have. We're very happy and have a healthy marriage and sexy relationship. So here's the question, so this is a long email and the question he's really got goes to this. So I've listened to all the episodes and a couple related about how being present and bringing the language and the communication and the vibrancy, because he references, he loved the episode we did on the F word.

Pam Allan: Okay. Yeah.

Corey Allan: And on how do we label parts or what's dirty talk? We've tried to venture into that arena some. And so, here's his question. So there was once a question about swearing during sex, like using the F word, and I think it was, it's okay if that's the only time we say it. And that's the decision they came up with.

Corey Allan: He also remembers an episode about using euphemisms like food words to begin to talk about sex and body parts. And I have multiple words that I can use to tell my wife I want to see her boobs. We have our own codeword, some funny, some sexy, et cetera. So no problems there. But I have no words to tell her that I want to see her labia, and just saying the word labia doesn't sound sexy. It sounds scientific, which I got to totally agree.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: There's no eroticism with that whole thing. Plus she and we don't want to use the other commonly heard terms when referring to it, as they generally sound dismissive and controlling, as in the word starts with P or it starts with C.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: There's several that I'm not going to say on the air.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So I bet I'm not the only guy out there who wants to communicate this to their wife by using words and not grunts. Which, can I speak to the women and say they probably don't want to have that communicated to them either by grunts?

Pam Allan: That would be much appreciated. Yes.

Corey Allan: Okay. So, yes, we have talked about it and she gets squeamish and we don't have a good word yet. Do we have any thoughts? Love the show.

Pam Allan: My immediate thought is just say, I want to get in between your legs.

Corey Allan: Okay. Talk about a region?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: I can't wait to see between your legs, or what you're hiding?

Pam Allan: Yeah. Even that just speaks straight out. I don't think you're tiptoeing around something at all. I think that that is a very straightforward and-

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: Erotic way to put it.

Corey Allan: I agree.

Pam Allan: I would say.

Corey Allan: I'm going to land under the whole idea of just using the word, I'm really excited to see your lips.

Pam Allan: Huh, okay. I would say that doesn't do it for me as much as the other.

Corey Allan: Well, I'm not saying that to you, specifically in this moment, because we're recording a show.

Pam Allan: Okay. Well, I'm just, for-

Corey Allan: I get it. I appreciate the realness and now I know, okay, X.

Pam Allan: Those are a few things he can try this on his bride, right?

Corey Allan: Swing and a miss.

Pam Allan: He can try some of those on his bride.

Corey Allan: But there's this, because I understand the struggle, because this is one of those things that words have been created. And in some couples, even very devout Christian couples, some of the more raunchy words, there's no problem at all. Right? Because both of them have no issue with it. It actually can be a turn on. And that's where, again, this goes into the specifics of each individual circumstance and dynamic.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: But there is an element of what, and he's right in asking this, I think, of how do I come up with something that's suggestive, explicit, edgy, innuendo-y. There's an element of it that adds a power by the word that you use and it can elicit a good response.

Pam Allan: Yeah. And I would totally agree with that. To me, it could be a singular word or a phrase even.

Corey Allan: Right. And so tell me this, Pam, because this is what strikes me with the conversation and the way you don't like the word I came up.

Pam Allan: Well, and that might be something that the more I think on it, it's more like, yeah.

Corey Allan: Well, that's where I want to go. It's because sometimes isn't there, I think, there's tremendous power in, I have a word that I think really works and your kind of, eh, not so much. But used at the right time with the right laser focus, it can really elicit a pretty good response.

Pam Allan: Yeah. I mean, you've got potential there definitely.

Corey Allan: Because it can then, it grows into the comfort and the language that's created. And then the other cool thing about it is you come up with something, and I don't ... Since reading this, I've been like, okay, what are-

Pam Allan: What do you use?

Corey Allan: What are others? So there's just not a lot.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because even the whole vagina, I mean, eh, that doesn't quite capture it.

Pam Allan: Yeah, it's like eh, you're not my doctor.

Corey Allan: It's a little more medical or just developmental.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: On that framework, but there's an element of coming up with, you try it on. And it sounds like in their description of things, they have a good banter in that dynamic a lot of times. And so, the hope of not having something that makes her squeamish isn't the right goal. A little squeamish is okay.

Pam Allan: I would agree with that.

Corey Allan: So sometimes just trying it on, not just testing it out about, Hey, what do you think about this? But trying it on with a, totally use it.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Send the text that just, put the word in there and see what kind of response that comes.

Pam Allan: The response you get is going to tell you whether it worked or not.

Corey Allan: Right. But that also doesn't mean, and this is where I think we should end this little segment, it also doesn't mean you can't circle back to it later. Because sometimes you drop something in the heat of it and she's like, uh-uh (negative). And then, she's wrestling some, it's in there.

Pam Allan: I would totally agree with that.

Corey Allan: So you circle back and you see, and if the second time it's an uh-uh (negative), well then, okay. I need to come back to the drawing board.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And maybe I'll come up with something a little bit better. And so, those of you that are listening to SMR nation, if you've got something that fits and can help out, we'll do a follow up of just, here's a couple others, because I'm all for better vernaculars.

Pam Allan: Oh, definitely.

Corey Allan: When it comes to this dynamic of how do we talk about the stuff that adds an edge, but it's respectful and crude enough but not over the board.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Overboard.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Well, and if you're in the Academy, go out there and post it.

Corey Allan: Jump on Slack-

Pam Allan: On Slack and get it in the Academy.

Corey Allan: Let us know. If you're not in the Academy, what are you doing? Get in the Academy with us. A lot of great conversations.

Corey Allan: But either way, email us, feedback at, because I'm all for everybody being better linguists in every sense of that word.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: So another email that's been around for a little bit that just says, Hello, Corey and Pam, and Sexy Marriage Radio land. I'm a binge listener that is still making my way through the archives, but my main question and concern is how to make the adjustment in marriage and married sex with a disabled spouse. Disability comes in multiple forms and I'd love to hear about some general advice, rather than to have an episode about our specific situation. What do you do when your spouse becomes disabled? How do you navigate that change and the relationship? Hopefully, there could also be an episode already and I just haven't gotten to it, but if not, I'd love to have an episode on this. Thanks.

Pam Allan: That's good.

Corey Allan: It is, because this is something that strikes a lot of people and if you're around long enough, it's going to strike us all.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Potentially, yeah.

Corey Allan: Right? Just because things don't always work.

Pam Allan: Right. And they're not wanting to get specific, so I mean, you're talking disabled in a lot of different arenas.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Right?

Corey Allan: So first, it's the definition of that word has to be explained a little bit to frame our conversation. We need to at least at the outset talk about how are we going to discuss it? Because otherwise it can be extrapolated into things that that's not where we're really meaning it.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Right?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And so, I think of it just from the way he's framing this, is the idea of a disability in sex. To me, what comes to mind is normal, regular penal-vaginal intercourse is either a tremendous hurdle to overcome or can't be overcome.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: That's what I think about. I don't know if we're talking about disability as in, I can't bend my knee. And so, therefore positions just have to be creative, because you can come up with easier solutions for that kind of a scenario versus some of the parts that used to work don't work anymore.

Pam Allan: Okay. I guess I was thinking of it on a little bit broader sense in that, potentially, we could have penal-vaginal, but maybe other body parts just aren't working like we want. And so, positions are an issue.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: Right? Or I don't know, there's such a broad spectrum that we could go on here.

Corey Allan: Totally. And that's why, let's go more on just the physical, because I think that's the one that hits us the most and is the biggest identity hit.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Of if all of a sudden, I'm enabled to perform or you're unable to perform.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: As in with the sensations, lubrications, erections, whatever it might be. That all of a sudden, that's the reality.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And one person is still fine, but the other's not. And so, this goes right back to a lot of, all the episodes that we do is in, you've got to start with how do you redefine sex? Is sex just what you've been doing or is there other possibilities?

Pam Allan: Redefine sex and redefine intimacy between the two of you, right? Because-

Corey Allan: Absolutely.

Pam Allan: We're not just talking about the sex act, we're also talking about the bond between the two of you with intimacy.

Corey Allan: Well, and I think the way you're bringing that up, Pam, is a perfect framework, because it's a path of using this ... The manner in which you approach the sex between you is absolutely a way to create more intimacy between you.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because then you start to look at it as ... I mean, because a lot of us, we can take it for granted in that, Oh yeah, things just work. That's how we reconnect. Versus what happens when the manner in which we reconnect gets taken away?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And now the even thought of it makes even more of a feeling of a divide.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Right. Because we can't do that. And so, therefore, I have to totally confront myself differently. And that's where this thing starts is I redefine what does this mean for me? What does this mean in my marriage? What does this mean in my life? What has it meant? What does it mean now? What can it mean? Because you can actually have some far more intimate moments that have nothing to do with sex.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because it's what you share together. It's what you create together. It's how you overcome things. It's how you realize things that you weren't even realizing you were capable of, because they haven't been born yet. We could sit here and say, and let me go a little tangent and let's see if this helps make sense.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: You can sit there and look at, what comes my mind is families that have children with special needs.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: They're born with Down's Syndrome or something, and that's a lifelong thing then.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Right? And we can sit here as an outset with two kids that aren't in the special need category and go, I got no clue how you do that. Well, we don't know how you ... The way life unfolds for almost every single human being is when I'm presented with something, I muster up a way to confront it.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Or I get out. That's the reality of things.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And so a lot of times, we don't know what we're capable of until we're faced with it.

Pam Allan: True.

Corey Allan: And so, when you're looking at this aspect of how do I look at my sex life and sexuality in my marriage when a spouse is disabled? I say this in some regards as hopefully a little word of encouragement, that when I have to face it, I'll probably find ways I'm capable to do so. And in some regards, he's doing it because he's reaching out.

Pam Allan: Yeah. He's got the power within, definitely.

Corey Allan: So he's asking the questions. That's a first step too. Is what do I do? And so, I look at this as, you up the communication between you.

Pam Allan: And how do you do that?

Corey Allan: Well, you recognize that, okay, I'm going through something that I have to come to grips with. Let's say, in our example, I'm the one that's disabled. Okay? So in this hypothetical that we're trying to help extrapolate out for him.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: I'm assuming it's a him. It's not clarified.

Pam Allan: Well-

Corey Allan: But for this spouse-

Pam Allan: We'll roll with it.

Corey Allan: Right. We'll go with the him. Then I have to come to grips with, how do I view me in this, let alone, how do I interact with you in this?

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: At the same time, you're doing the same thing, right? So you're having to come to grips with how do we interact, but also how do you view you? Because now the responsiveness is different, and so, now there's a different identity hit.

Pam Allan: So is that something that then as you're going through and figuring out, how do I view me, I need to fill you in on that?

Corey Allan: Well, I think it's recognizing, this is a phrase we've used a couple of different times in the shows of the past, it's recognizing the importance of simultaneous existences. That you're going through a process at the same time I'm going through a process. So how do we not step on each other's processes as much as possible, because they're so often ... Okay. Quick caveat to help make the point. When you lost your father 12 years ago-

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: There's a grieving process you're going through. I can understand that because you're the daughter. There's a grieving process I'm going through that's different than the process you would go through.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Right before we lost him with cancer, you were doing lots of trips up there. And it was real easy, if there was a weekend I didn't want to go, you would interpret that as, you don't love my father. You don't care about him. Right? Just because you're wrapped up in your own grief, rather than realizing, no, I care about him. It's just different. I don't have the drive to want to be up there all the time like you would. That's not an unloving thing, that's just the reality of the differences of our paths.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: How do those simultaneously exist without it being messy? They don't, but they need to. That's what I'm talking about, is the idea that both parties have weight that they're trying to get through. And how do you acknowledge both? Because I think when you can see it that way, you all of a sudden open up the possibilities of different levels of compassion, different levels of understanding, different levels of joining where each of you are.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Hello, more intimacy.

Pam Allan: Exactly. Yeah. I mean that was the thought.

Corey Allan: Hello, more depth.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Hello, more what you didn't even realize or thought you were capable of tasting.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: That's the process to me, because then all of a sudden you may be come up with this idea of, you know what, sex used to be on this scale of a level of my priorities. Now I've recognized what I can taste by just doing this instead is far greater. It has a different level of pleasure and a different level of meaning, but it has a different level of value too.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And it's the willingness, and I don't use this word lightly because it's an incredibly important one, it's the willingness and it's the courage of both spouses to look at themselves and each other in their situation through a brighter lens. Through a possibility. Right? It's a level set of things.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Well, and you use the word possibility. I was thinking the word hope-

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: That the disability is not the end of something.

Corey Allan: Absolutely.

Pam Allan: There is hope for more and there can be something that you touched on earlier, something within you that's never even been born yet that is maybe even greater than what's already in you.

Corey Allan: Because if we'll look at it, we've already been down this path in some way, shape or form prior.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because we look back at our life and go, man, I didn't even know I was capable. But look at what we've achieved already.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And if I can just use that knowledge to know, okay, how do I with the best in me confront what I'm faced with, because it's not easy. We've had some couples in the Academy that have spoken up on this about how, yeah, when I had to go through cancer treatments and when I had to get hormone things taken away. And we had to come up with different ways to navigate this, but they had the courage to ask the questions, seek out the help with the professionals, and walk through it. And now, they can be on the other side and realize, wow, what we're tasting now is far better than what we ever were doing, because it's so much more rich and deep and meaningful. Which to me, Pam, that's what I want in life.

Pam Allan: Oh definitely.

Corey Allan: In the long run, I want things that are meaningful and deep. I don't want just the quick-

Pam Allan: Fluff.

Corey Allan: The fluff and the good time that's not lasting. I want the things that dig in a land deeply.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And courage to do so. This is when we start to see the best in people.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And I love when the best in people show up, because it just makes the world a much better place.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Well, this has been a fun show.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah, it's been good.

Corey Allan: I love it when the nation speaks up and has questions that really do help frame conversations. And then in the extended, I love it when the nation speaks up on the call and we use it, sections of it for a larger audience.

Pam Allan: Yeah. I love those calls and hearing people's input and opinions and thoughts and study. And it's good stuff.

Corey Allan: Right. We all are better when everybody's helping each other, speaking up for what-

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: The way they see it, the way they frame it, the importance of it. Well, this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. If we left something undone, let us know. (214) 702-9565 is how you can call our voicemail line, or you can email us at feedback at Wherever you are, whatever you've been doing, thanks for taking a little bit of time out of your day to spend it with us. See you next time.