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On the Regular version of today’s show …
An email from a husband curious about all the penile enlargement and performance products promoted today.
A wife who has experienced pain in the beginning of their sex life but has now found a position that is pain free – now she’s anxious about trying out new positions.
On the Xtended version …
We unpack the concept of lust as mentioned in Matthew 5:27-30.
Enjoy the show!
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Announcer: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio. Smrnation.com. You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.
Corey Allan: A review just came in that was titled Deep Tissue Massage.
Pam Allan: Oh, I love this. I'll take any review with that on there.
Corey Allan: You'll love this review. "Even without the extended content, which I highly recommend it will be the best $8 you spend on your marriage. This gets deep into the knots of individuality and togetherness within marriage, shows you how to work those knots out or how to embrace them within your marriage. It's challenging and encouraging all at once. I love Corey's insight, his book recommendations, his interviews, and everything in between."
Pam Allan: I love that title, because you know what? A deep tissue massage sometimes hurts really bad. I mean, you're in there just, "Ouch, but keep going, keep going because it's making me better, and I'm going to feel better when I walk out."
Corey Allan: And this where you and I are different. The deep tissue massage I've had in my life, I don't know if I want another one of those.
Pam Allan: You had one and that lady was terrible. Yeah. That was a terrible massage. You went to a bad person.
Corey Allan: Fair enough.
Pam Allan: But I love it.
Corey Allan: I get you. I get you. Well, people here in the SMR Nation didn't turn in to today for massage talk radio. This is Sexy Marriage Radio where we're going where you want to go, and we ask for you to help be involved in this conversation. The way you can do it is you can email us questions you've got. You can call us. You can leave reviews. You can join my.passionatelymarried.net and have conversations, because the dialogues we're having today and the conversations throughout today's entire episode are coming from all the different areas that we've got, that we're branching out into.
If you want to leave a message because you've got something on your mind, call us at 214-702-9565 or email@example.com. And if you like what we got going on, please let other people know by rate and reviewing, leaving a comment, help us spread the word that married sex is a fantastic place to work out all the knots in your body.
Pam Allan: I love it.
Corey Allan: Coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio, a couple of your questions and our answers. We're going to work out the knots.
Pam Allan: Keep it going.
Corey Allan: I'm going to try to make that inner wave all the way through.
Pam Allan: I'm going to have to call Julie and schedule my massage, because I'm already feeling it right now.
Corey Allan: The extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads, you can subscribe at passionatelymarried.net/smracademy. We're going to continue a conversation that actually started in the regular version of the show week, then spun into the my.passionatelymarried.net platform, and now it's going to go a little bit deeper and on the air on the whole concept of bouncing your eyes, but more specifically lust. What does that really mean? Because there's a lot of things that are out there, especially in Christiandom that maybe have been misinterpreted.
All that's coming up on today's show. From the inbox, "I am a sporadic listener. Have gone back and listened to quite a few of the past episodes. I love the show and can relate to quite a few of the things I've heard. Been married for nearly 30 years. I'm the higher desire person in our marriage, and I've always been very self-conscious about my penis size, even though I think I fall into the average category. I also struggle with PE, which would be premature ejaculation, and I've tried and I'm trying to improve my skills.
It's nearly impossible to watch TV, listen to talk radio, surf the web without seeing advertisements for performance/enlargement medications. Through many discussions with my wife and listening to and reading other articles, it's very clear to me that most women have very little attraction toward or desire to have men improve their performance or their appearance, their size, if possible, of their penises. I say that based on the fact that a higher percentage of women don't climax with penal intercourse.
So are all these advertisements solely for the benefit of the fragile male ego, or are there women out there that do care about their partner's penises and how they look and perform? I'm kind of at the point in my life that I feel like the only thing my wife needed or wanted my penis for actually was for reproductive purposes. Thanks."
Pam Allan: Well, that's loaded, but that's a fabulous question.
Corey Allan: It is loaded.
Pam Allan: Is it to prop the male sector or are the ladies actually looking for it?
Corey Allan: I love the first point of that question of, is it solely about the fragile male ego? Yes.
Pam Allan: And why do you say yes?
Corey Allan: Because one of the things that the heart of a male is, how do I measure up? How do I compare? Can I come through? That's the competitive juices.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: Men all the way back from when they were little boys and in middle school and you had to start changing in front of each other, you're sizing each other up to see where do I rate?
Pam Allan: In all kinds of arenas, but including penis size.
Corey Allan: Absolutely.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: And that's why we've said on the show before, when we get this question about, what if I'm too small? It's the hole. If you haven't learned from architecture, when you're looking at something from the top down, it always is going to be smaller than if you're looking at it from the side. You already have it "stacked against you."
Pam Allan: Mentally.
Corey Allan: Mentally on how you measure up, because of the way you'd see anybody else's versus your own. But I do believe they go after... I mean, because it's marketing and they're out there to make money. All the products that are out there to help enhance your sexual desire, enhance your drive, enhance your size, enhance your performance, I think that's ego driven largely.
Pam Allan: The way that this is being framed, I'm thinking just marketing. If I'm the higher desire person and the marketing is telling me, "Oh, she's going to want more if it's bigger," well, then I'm going to try it out because maybe that'll make her want more. Am I mistaken here that maybe...
Corey Allan: I don't know. The immediate thought I've got is if she's already the lower desire and you got larger, would that even be exciting to her?
Pam Allan: But some people don't think rationally on that state point, right? It's, "Oh well, she doesn't want it. So maybe if I do this, she'll want it." Whether that's rational thinking or not.
Corey Allan: Okay. Let's start the whole thing and go a little bit deeper, but let's start the whole conversation again with this whole idea of everything is presented in the commercialization of our world as if, this is the problem, here's the solution. Because if you watch enough, if you get on social media enough, and all the algorithms are so smart that they will introduce you to things that you didn't even know were problems, and now all of a sudden, I didn't even know I had that problem.
Pam Allan: Yeah. I better buy this product.
Corey Allan: Okay. I better get that. That'll help me with this. There's a component of check the source and what's their agenda, because everybody's got it. I will be upfront, and I'll say this again. Hopefully it'll helped me remember when we get to the extended content. But when we get to the extended content today, I got an agenda.
Pam Allan: Everybody's got an agenda.
Corey Allan: So I'm going to own it right out the gate. But it's realizing that yes, does... His question really to me is, men look at these things differently than women will. I'm sure there are women absolutely out there that they do, that is an important thing for them.
Pam Allan: Sure, absolutely.
Corey Allan: How their husband looks, his size, his performance, his abilities.
Pam Allan: Absolutely.
Corey Allan: And it's not just other things other than his penis. It's his penis. We can't use just the blanket, "Nope. No women care about that," or as Elaine referred to the male body in Seinfeld, it's like a Jeep it's just for getting around, which is kind of the way he sounds like he feels.
Pam Allan: Don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
Corey Allan: Let's not even go there.
Pam Allan: Sorry.
Corey Allan: But it's the idea, so how do you then come to grips with trying to make sense of something with yourself when it's usually always starting through a comparative lens? Because that's really what he's asking. He's asking for women. Pam, you being the only one on the microphone of that gender, how do you speak to that from the woman's side of this equation?
Pam Allan: On caring about size or what it looks like in the enhancement? I guess, which part of this am I answering to?
Corey Allan: As you hear this question coming from a man, how does this play out in your female brain?
Pam Allan: Those kind of things to me is okay. If I'm having issues sexually, lack of performance, then I would want my spouse to, "Let's talk about what needs to happen. What doctor needs to be talked to." Right?
Corey Allan: And not specifically the PE, the premature ejaculation, performance and anxiety, whatever it could be.
Pam Allan: Premature ejaculation or it's ED, just not being able to...
Corey Allan: He didn't mention that, but those are the two primary.
Pam Allan: He's not talking about that. But when we're talking about the commercials and all this kind of hoo-ha, right?
Corey Allan: The main thing you'll hear is the ED medications that are out there.
Pam Allan: Yeah, yeah. Outside of that, I feel like I'm going to offend someone, but whatever. It's a self-image problem. And I'm going to read more into that as a spouse. I see pass what it is that's going on here, and I see there's other things within my spouse that there are image issues. Just like I don't want to do Botox to cover up how I may not like my lips, I don't want my spouse to do another things to cover up other parts of the body, right?
Corey Allan: Or the reverse could be true. I would do this for myself, so I want you to do that for you. Because I hear this whole thing, just the way you framed that right there of the self-image. Would this be akin and in the same family as a husband that's regularly telling his wife how sexy she is, but she's not buying it? She doesn't see herself that way. It's a self-image issue.
Pam Allan: Got you.
Corey Allan: I think that is something that we could capture it that way to make this much more of a succinct conversation.
Pam Allan: Yeah.
Corey Allan: To look at it through the lens of, okay, this is self-image. This is something that... How does she feel about it? Because that's my first move right there, is if they're in my office and this comes up as part of the conversation, I would have him explain it to me like he's done in this email. And then I would just pivot and look at her and say, "Does his penis size concern you? Would you like it to be larger? Would you like it to be smaller? Would you like to learn how to be better with it?" I mean, just kind of ask a series of questions just to get a gauge of where she is.
Pam Allan: Learning how to be better with it has nothing to do about... Yeah, I'm perfectly happy with the size, but I like...
Corey Allan: Lasting longer could be fun, or this could be fun.
Pam Allan: Other skills in the bedroom have nothing to do with size.
Corey Allan: Absolutely, because that's the other thing too to kind of wrap up this part of the show with the segment is one of the things that yes, I do believe he's caught onto the idea that this is a male ego driven marketing beast.
Pam Allan: Yeah, the industry.
Corey Allan: That that's what they're after. Boost testosterone. Boost performance. Boost confidence. That's that's across the board. That's not just male. That's everywhere. But there's this other side of it is that it's the self-image of, how do I stack up? How do I rate? That's where I want to reframe this.
I have the belief, tell me if I'm wrong with this, Pam, but I have the belief that when it comes to married sex, whether you are average on size, below average on size, or above average on size, added to the fact, can you last as long as you want, do you have control, can you get erect on a moment's notice and when called upon, and you don't experience those problems, those things all pale in comparison to what that penis is attached to.
Pam Allan: I 100% agree to that.
Corey Allan: Because that's what we're bringing to the whole party and the marriage.
Pam Allan: I 100% agree.
Corey Allan: Because that's the whole point is, how do you carry yourself, not just your penis?
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: How do you have it securely fastened, as Snarsh would say, and live accordingly. Because that's all of you coming to the party, not just a part of you.
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Corey Allan: Recently, Sexy Marriage Radio has ventured full guns into the world of Instagram and TikTok.
Pam Allan: Yes.
Corey Allan: We've got some channels now, content coming out. If you haven't found us on either one of those platforms, just search Sexy Marriage Radio. We're right there. Content is being created and conversations are being started. This comes from Instagram. It's a question from a wife that says, "Sex was incredibly painful for the first seven months of my marriage. The wedding night was a complete shock since we waited. My husband is the most loving person and is always sensitive to my needs. He's also very gentle. However, I have a micro perforated hymen, which was very hard to work through.
After seven months of dilators, bleeding, prayer, and trying, we're finally getting to a place where sex feels comfortable in missionary style position."
Pam Allan: Yeah, like one position.
Corey Allan: "How do you suggest moving beyond that into trying new positions? Mentally I still associate sex with pain, even though it's comfortable now. However, the thought of trying a new position stresses me out. I feel like if I try something new, I'll fall out of being in the moment and my body will tense up."
Pam Allan: Well, sure, you will.
Corey Allan: It's totally legit and valid.
Pam Allan: It is, and it's not going to ever be... Well, it's not going to be stress-free in the beginning. I guess the anxiety, the tension that was there as you went through all this and did all that hard work to get where you are with the missionary position, fabulous, by the way, good on you for doing that and making this important. You both need to be keenly aware how that's going to play in, right? And the stress of another position and just do it slowly. And if it hurts, you move on and do something else, right? You just have to slowly introduce it, right?
Corey Allan: Yeah. This is where you learn from the ground you've already gained to confirm within yourself, "We can do this. I can do this." You enhance the strengths and the connections you've already got that have helped you get through it, so you've got a husband that's gentle and caring and patient in this area. Fantastic.
Pam Allan: Call on him during this.
Corey Allan: Have conversations with him. Talk through it. And a lot of times then you're talking about, okay, one, just like you touched on there, Pam, it's not going to be stress-free. And the sucky thing about our bodies is sometimes stress, regardless of whichever way it's coming from, is interpreted as whatever it was, right? Our bodies keep score. There's actually a really good book not on the subject, but it gets into some of the deep science of how your body remembers things from trauma and different things that have happened.
This is a trauma that's happened to her, because a micro perforated hymen is a traumatic thing to deal with. You utilize the strengths and the abilities you've already learned through this, and you call upon that. The times you do want to change it up, we've talked about this several times on Sexy Marriage Radio, a lot of times the way things are proposed in the movies and on the web and by just our speculating, we think new things will just flow, right? We're going to try this out and it's just going to be so enraptured and enthralled, and it'll just go completely smooth.
But in reality, a lot of the times when you are intentionally trying to change something up, I think of it more like a laboratory. We're going into it with a little bit more of a scientific... We're taking the romance out of it a little bit, or at least taking some of the pie chart out of that, diminishing a little bit, because we want to test some things out and we want to see. Sometimes there can be an element of, "Let's try this out."
Pam Allan: Even when you don't have a history of pain, there's some of that, right?
Corey Allan: Absolutely. Everybody has that.
Pam Allan: It's the anxiousness and is this going to work? Is it not?
Corey Allan: Because when we get into uncharted waters, it is anxiety provoking.
Pam Allan: Right. Right. So that's still going to be there either way.
Corey Allan: Right. The other thing I think of is... You know a position that works. What is it that helps you and has helped you make that position successful in the moment with your husband? Because the idea of utilizing dilators and prayer and a lot of the different things that they went through to get to that point, some of that is solo. Some of that he's not privy to maybe. He could be involved with the dilators, absolutely, but a lot of it is a woman trying to learn to just relax her own self because it's an anxiety response.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: The same kind of thing can happen is, what is it that helps you get into that mood that it works in the missionary position, make sure you follow the same routine largely before you want to try it up. In fact, even start sex in the missionary position is one of the best suggestions I would give, and then change it up. Don't start something new when you haven't both already gotten to where insertion is okay and good and welcomed.
Pam Allan: That's a good point.
Corey Allan: Because a lot of times once you're into it, there can be a rhythm and a flow and a connection, and then it can be a subtle shift. And then you're talking about just different positions sometimes. Because sometimes a woman starting on top for some women is incredibly difficult even if there is no pain history. Just because of angles, position, lubrication, awkwardness, discomfort. Everything gets exposed in sex. That's why the missionary position seems to be the go-to for so many people because it's the least exposed position that is there, because you can cover each other up. Right?
I mean, you just can. But if one of you gets on top, now all of a sudden it's a different visual and it's a different realization of who's being involved in this and who's being seen in this. Sometimes just play with it. One of the other ones that just came to my mind is try it on the side, where you're on your sides. It's a little more awkward. You usually want to have a pillow to prop one of you up a little more to make angles better, but that can be an option too. Because what you're starting to recognize this, I got this repertoire I can start to utilize and enhance.
And if it doesn't work... When it doesn't work. Let's frame it that way.
Pam Allan: Right. Right.
Corey Allan: Because even if there's no pain, there still can be an element of, "Ooh, that's just not comfortable. That doesn't work right. That's not what I want." Your body is going to possibly tense. It's going to immediately maybe go back to pain, clamped down. Breathe. Open your eyes. Open your mouth. Talk through it with your husband. Be as honest and real about what you're experiencing in that moment. If you know exactly what you need from him based on past what you've gone through, tell him.
If not, I still think when we are in any stage of trying to move married sex from whatever point it's at to something better, if I move the needle just a little bit and it's still a "failure" because we didn't achieve orgasm or we got upset or disappointed or frustrated and it shut it all down, if I move the needle just a little bit, that's still a success.
Pam Allan: I totally agree.
Corey Allan: We just don't think of it this way. It's the same thing like when we have these goals with other aspects of our life.
Pam Allan: Right. It's especially a success if you're doing this with that open line of communication, right? You're doing this struggle together. It may be slower than you want, but...
Corey Allan: But you've already proven you can accomplish it.
Pam Allan: You've already proven you can do it.
Corey Allan: You've already shown that you've got it within you. So you can tap back into that. You can rely on each other. You can utilize your strengths that you've got, and you can make this what you want it to be.
Pam Allan: Right. Well, there's been a lot of times throughout today's episode, Pam, especially in the extended content where I've looked over at you and thought, we need to be videoing this because you could actually see the wheels going.
He's here in the rusty cranks in my head going crank crank.
Corey Allan: Those things are not rusty at all. Those things are anything but rusty. Because this is one of those things where several of the different... The segments in the regular version and then for sure the extended content, it's a little bit uncharted. Let's explore this a little bit.
Pam Allan: Well, and I'm never queued up. I mean, you guys... Well, you may not know. You might be new. We don't talk about this stuff beforehand.
Corey Allan: I usually surprise her.
Pam Allan: I get surprised. There's no plan in here. You're just getting my reaction.
Corey Allan: That's when you're at your best, baby. Because that's the capturing of people, right? It's this idea of, man, how often do we think we got it all figured out? And then lo and behold, wait. Wait.
Pam Allan: Wait, you're bringing that up?
Corey Allan: Oh, okay. Dang it. Now I got to re-examine everything.
Pam Allan: Right?
Corey Allan: Sometimes we don't react well to that old thing. Baby, you do great.
Pam Allan: Thank you.
Corey Allan: This has been Sexy Marriage Radio. Thanks for taking some time out of your day to spend it with us. If we left something undone, let us know. 214-702-9565 or firstname.lastname@example.org or my.passionatelymarried.net. See you next time.
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