Registration for the 2021 Sexy Marriage Radio Getaway is now open. Click here to learn more.
On the Regular version of today’s show …
Please check out the SMRNation Community at my.passionatelymarried.net
Pam and I have a coffee shop conversation about when you’re faced with choices where there really isn’t right or wrong yet, what’s the best wise step?
An email from a listener asking about ideas to help address issues when there are size differences between spouses.
On the Xtended version …
A great quote from Charles Cooley – “I am not who you think I am, I am not who I think I am, I am who I think you think I am.”
Enjoy the show!
The State Of Our Union: Weekly conversation prompts to have meaningful conversations. https://passionatelymarried.net/union
Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, passionatelymarried.net.
Speaker 2: You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.
Corey Allan: We got an email just recently, Pam, that I love it when the SMR Nation speaks up to us and says, "Hey, I think you guys will like this quote or this statement," or something that they've come across that just resonates. And it's an email that just said it's from a quote from W. Edward Demings. And it says, "In God we trust. All others bring data."
Pam Allan: That's a perfect quote for you. Yeah, everything's a data point.
Corey Allan: I think so, when we're talking about the human dynamic and relationship context that happens, the best thing I can do is look at it as data, not personal. Because a lot of times when I take it personal, that's when I can start spiraling and overreacting and my partner could do the same, my kids, and on and on it can go.
Pam Allan: It's so easy. If only we could have that logical train of thought to say, "Okay, that's a good data point." I mean, for me, I just explode and say, "Are you kidding me?" crosstalk. It's not a data point until maybe two days later.
Corey Allan: I got you. Well, that's where the whole psychological component of differentiation, which we've translated and refer to as just growing up comes into play, because it's taking the thought process and the feeling process and making it a higher level process, trying to use both.
Pam Allan: Yeah.
Corey Allan: Don't just go one or the other, because if we just go logic brain, then we've turned robotic.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: And if we go over reactive, then we turn scary sometimes. Well, this is Sexy Marriage Radio. Thank you for taking some time out of the day to spend it with us each and every week. We're so grateful and honored that people speak up and they join and talk about what's going on, ask questions. And you can call us at (214) 702-9565. That's a voicemail that gets you to the front of the line. If you've got a question or a topic you want us to cover. Or as soon as email email@example.com, because we read all of them like the quote that we just referred to at the beginning of the show.
But we also have another avenue that's just now rolling out over the last week or so.
Pam Allan: Fill us in.
Corey Allan: That's another way for the SMR Nation to interact and interact with us.
Pam Allan: It's a little bit better, more fluid way to crosstalk understand and intuitive.
Corey Allan: So, I am proud to announce the unveiling of my.passionatelymarried.net.
Pam Allan: Okay.
Corey Allan: So what this is, is it's a platform that we are trying to get the Nation to start heading towards. It's free to sign up. And when you join us, there you will get the higher level access of some discussion boards that'll be specific regarding conversations that we started and talked about here on the show, because we were regularly talking about, "Hey, if we left something undone or you got questions, or you want to carry this further, call us, email us." And now we can say, "Jump on mypassionatelymarried.net and there'll be a discussion going on there possibly, too.
Pam Allan: Right. So that's not just a place to leave a comment for Corey. It's anybody that crosstalk joined it can have a discussion after the show or something.
Corey Allan: Absolutely. They can get in here and there will be some discussion boards. There will be some announcements about events that are coming up. And then further into the my.passionatelymarried.net, is where mastermind groups will be housed, the SMR Academy is housed. There will be some courses that are in the works and coming out later this year; those will be available. And so there's deeper access the further you want to get into this. But the beginning process is you go to my.passionatelymarried.net, sign up for free, request to join. That gets you into the community and-
Pam Allan: So, what if they're already in the academy?
Corey Allan: They are being in the process that we're moving everybody over gradually. There's already people in there now.
Pam Allan: Okay. So the ones that are already in the academy already getting an email or communication from us, right?
Corey Allan: There's been discussions that have happened on Slack about this, to have anybody in the academy come start checking this out as we're fine tuning and finalizing the whole process of this, because a lot of this, it's a new platform and so, learning something new. Some people get charged about that, but most people are like, "Oh man, something else I have to learn to do."
Pam Allan: Right, right, exactly.
Corey Allan: But it's a really slick network. And basically what we're trying to do with SMR Nation and that's where we're heading, that we're calling this whole thing, is we're trying to create its own little social media network, if you will, our own platform, that's just for the Nation. And so it's all private conversation that you and I will be hanging out. Other members of the academy are already there, mastermind guys are already there. And so there's a lot of stuff that if you're in a specific group, it stays hidden from everybody except for in that group. But if you're in the general level, you can leave a comment and everybody can see it and jump in and there can be conversations that take place.
Pam Allan: Okay. Will Slack still be there down the road, or that's going to go away and it's all going to be here?
Corey Allan: Eventually, everything is moving to one location, because we're trying to keep it all under the passionatelymarried.net umbrella and just make it a whole lot more simple for everybody to come on board and be involved.
Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Corey Allan: Well, coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio, you and I are going to have a little coffee shop conversation that we had.
Pam Allan: I love having coffee with you.
Corey Allan: I do too, especially when it's all snowy and cold here in Texas. It's Snowmageddon 2021, which snow in Texas, is an anomaly.
Pam Allan: It's a rarity, unless you're in the panhandle. Yeah.
Corey Allan: That's true. And you guys that our listeners of the Nation might be way up North going, "God, it's not even that cold." But I'm sorry, 19 degrees is cold in Texas.
Pam Allan: Yeah. We had a wind chill below zero today; negative two. That's cold.
Corey Allan: So it's a cold, cold day. So let's have some coffee and have a conversation. And then we've also got an email that for what you do with the couples where there's a big height difference.
Pam Allan: Yeah, okay.
Corey Allan: Because that's a reality of something that you have to face. And then coming up on the extended version, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads, you can subscribe at passionatelymarried.net/smracademy. I also came across another quote in a book that I've been listening to, that is a real succinct way to capture the idea of mind mapping and identity development and self-validation versus other validation. A lot of different things we've been talking about over the years at SMR. And so we're going to unpack that.
Pam Allan: Okay.
Corey Allan: And how it all fits in, all that's coming up on today's show.
How's your coffee? Is it good so far?
Pam Allan: It's delicious.
Corey Allan: Okay. So since we've done this before, we'll try it out again, of where we get to set the topic with where we're heading with this little segment for SMR today. And again, so I've been on a binge listen, I guess you could say, and just in the fact of listening to a lot of books on Audible and trying to just plow through really good content, really good material.
And I was listening to a book from Andy Stanley entitled: Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets. And he's got five different components that help make better decisions and help a better way to look at life. And I'm not going to unpack all of them. I just want to talk about one of them, because one of his steps is asking yourself the question, "What is the best next wise step?" Which is a phrase we've used.
Pam Allan: Yeah. That's a phrase you've used for a long time.
Corey Allan: Right. But the way he was capturing this, really helped kind of crystallize some of the things in my mind. And I want to at least kind of go through it with you and you tell me what you're hearing and how you see this as applicable to life, but more importantly to marriage and sex. Because he actually broadens it out and uses a little bit longer of a phrase, and I'm paraphrasing it here. But it's, in light of my past experience and in regards to my current circumstances and also in line with my future goals, what's the next wise step or decision?
Pam Allan: So past, present, future-
Corey Allan: Right. So it's keeping it in context, because if you think about it, how much of life do we spend in some gray areas?
Pam Allan: Oh gosh, a lot of life, yeah.
Corey Allan: There's no real right and there's no real wrong, it's just gray. Sometimes it can be a little more charcoal. Sometimes it can be a light gray when we get closer to the different edges.
Pam Allan: Well, and you're talking about life decisions, right? Whether I take this job or that job, there's no right or wrong.
Corey Allan: Well, but even in the way society has unfolded, right? This conversation, we've got a driver soon to be on our hands that will be official earlier this year. And we've had conversations as she started getting the idea of driving on her radar more and more and starting paying more attention and asking questions about us. She would look at us and say, "Dad, you're speeding." And I'm like, "No, I'm going 45 or 46." She's like, "No, but the speed limit is 40."
Pam Allan: So you are speeding. I would agree with her.
Corey Allan: Okay. But am I, as far as it's going to be a ticket- worthy offense in the way society, at least here in North Texas operates? Not likely.
Pam Allan: If you're driving with the flow of traffic, right?
Corey Allan: Right.
Pam Allan: It's not likely you'll get a ticket, but you're still speeding.
Corey Allan: I forgot I'm talking to an accountant here.
Pam Allan: Well, by your definition, speeding is, is it a speed that I'll get a ticket? And by her definition is-
Corey Allan: It's what's posted.
Pam Allan: It's what's posted because that is the speed limit.
Corey Allan: Right.
Pam Allan: You're defining it differently than what she's defining it-
Corey Allan: Right. And that's what's so interesting, because look at-
Pam Allan: We define things differently.
Corey Allan: Absolutely, we do. But look at the dynamics of what goes on in marriage, what goes on in family, how we do life, how we determine these things, there's rules that we follow, but then there's also just kind of ideas or guidelines that we follow. That's the way society operates. That there's some that, "Oh, we don't have to worry about that one, it's really more of this." And so if you think about it, how often do we get caught up in, "I really think I want to try, let's head this route with our marriage or our sex life." And what you're suggesting, there's absolutely nothing wrong, but then you've got to pull back and start asking yourself the question of, "Is it best? Is it wise?" And that's where I think this comes into play.
And so here's the way this hits me. So we've shared on the show before, and we've talked about in a lot of other contexts, that I was introduced to pornography when I was younger, at 11, 12 from a neighbor down the street, whose father had some magazines. That was my first encounter. That launched me on some curiosity path for sure and then that launched me into that was a part of life for a long, long time. Brought it into our marriage. It was current during the first part of our marriage, it was still happening.
And then only until I don't even know a date, but there's an element of just kind of being a whole lot more authentic, a lot more real, probably in line with doing Sexy Marriage Radio too, because you're just talking about things and feeling more connected to people. Started getting it in a whole lot better, the struggles, not that it's gone away, but steering the struggle is tremendously different.
Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Corey Allan: Right? So over the last couple of weeks, the other sideline to this topic, I've developed a partnership with a guy on Instagram and I'm doing these sex Q and A's for his audience, which is younger in large part, people that are on that platform. And over Valentine's weekend, we've actually done a three-day exchange.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: Which then means I got my 15 year old to introduce me to how to utilize Instagram, to teach me the ins and the outs. And she's still kind of monitors stuff for me to say, "Hey dad, he's got something posted for you," because I'm not following this. And part of the reason is because I've recognized as I've gotten on Instagram and started poking around there, am I doing anything wrong?
Pam Allan: No.
Corey Allan: No. It's just a social media platform. It's sharing the world. It's sharing people's lives and motivations of everybody's different. But in light of my past experiences, is this the wise choice? That's where this framing comes into play.
Pam Allan: Right. And it would be easy to make an argument of, "Well, this is a great source for your business," to spend time there and really focus on social media because that's where people are and you can meet them there.
Corey Allan: And to figure out what's the best way to post things here? What's the theme or the idea of how people are getting the things that go viral? Because there's tricks to the trade in everywhere.
Pam Allan: Sure.
Corey Allan: But what I've recognized is, there's this element of anytime I've gotten on there to interact with the guy that does the Christians Who Curse Sometimes, or anybody that emails or messages me via that platform, because I've gotten several now that are more pointed questions, if I hang out there, I'm not doing anything wrong, but I'm not doing anything wise based on who I have been, who I want to be and where I'm going. That's not an area that in my mind is in line with the best wise step.
Pam Allan: Okay.
Corey Allan: Does that make sense?
Pam Allan: I hear what you're saying there.
Corey Allan: But I'm not doing anything wrong.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: And I think that's where as humans in the rationalization hamster that we have, get so caught up, right? Because I could talk myself into anything. I can make it to where 45 is not speeding. Because if I go 40, I am actually a hindrance to the flow of traffic, because I'm slowing everybody down.
Pam Allan: Right. Everybody's going 45 to 48.
Corey Allan: But can you see how sometimes we need a little bit more than just what are the biggest guardrails that we've got out there, which are the thou shalts or the ... And Andy Stanley in this book even made a comment of, "You have to take the entirety of scripture and look at it as a story to think of it through the lens of what's the honorable thing to do? What's the thing out of love? What's the thing out of care and compassion?" For everybody involved, it's the best choice. Because you could use scriptures to make it kind of make sense of anything you wanted to choose almost, if you go Old Testament and New Testament combined.
Pam Allan: Right. Yeah. I mean, there's people that are hard and fast on two different sides of a topic and they're using scripture to support it. But I think your point is really good here, in that you got to look at, I've got to be solid in who I am and know who I want to be, to make the analysis that you're making right now.
Corey Allan: Okay.
Pam Allan: Okay. Because it's really easy to just say, "Well, this is what everybody's doing, or this is what society is doing, or this is where things lead or this will be helpful to my business, or this would be helpful to X, Y, Z."
Corey Allan: And it's even entertaining to get on there and see the big fails in the pet video things and the dances and all the different things that are out there that they're publicizing.
Pam Allan: They're funny.
Corey Allan: They're funny and they're in enthralling like, "Ah, I want to keep watching. I want to see more." And so I can see how man it's so easy to get wrapped up in it. But again, what's the wise choice?
Pam Allan: For you.
Corey Allan: Right, for me.
Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Corey Allan: The other thought that comes to my mind is just thinking of this, I'm going to dovetail an email in that we've had that we're not going to spend a lot of time on, but I think it fits. Because we had an emailer just recently ask, "Okay, how do you make sense of the scriptures in the Old Testament that referred to David had multiple wives and 300 concubines. How is that okay?"
Pam Allan: Yeah.
Corey Allan: "And what if as a couple today, we wanted to incorporate a single woman into our relationship. Is that okay?" And again, I think of it as a litmus test of, we've always tried to, as SMR, we're not going to be moral authorities for people, right? This comes down to what's in line with your wisdom, your character, your integrity. But I also ask the question then, what's the wisest step in regards to this? Because you have to keep everything that I read in scripture as one of my biggest goals, is I have to keep it in context. Who was it written to? What was it about in the cultural components there? Because that was a different society than where we are today.
Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Corey Allan: But I think this is a great conversation to at least introduce the idea of, what's the wise step based on my past, my present and where I want to go? Because most of the stuff we're faced with, there's really not a clear right or wrong, but as one leaning towards one way or another, I think that's where wisdom comes in.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: And so I think the best thing we can do for our marriage, but more importantly for our own self and development of ourself, is how am I staying in line with who I want to become? So that way, the things that I do have their consequences or hits, I'm willing to accept those because it's inaudible. I'm not trying to build it into what do I think you want from me, or what do I perceive would be best that you see, which that's where we're heading in the extended content.
Pam Allan: Right?.
Corey Allan: You need any more coffee?
Pam Allan: Yes, please.
Corey Allan: So real quick, here's an email that came in to firstname.lastname@example.org. "Have you done an episode on height differences yet? My husband is 6 feet and I am 5'2". And I always wonder how it's different for different heights. I just figured out that for a doggy style position, I have to be up a little higher. So it's best if I'm kneeling on a pillow, otherwise the angle is very uncomfortable. I'm behind on all the episodes and I haven't listened to the podcast hardly at all lately, so I'm sorry if you've done the one on this recently, but what are your thoughts?"
These are the practicalities that we have to face.
Pam Allan: They really are. Throwing the pillow in there? Yeah, there's some adjustments you got to be made one way or the other.
Corey Allan: I think if we just take this from a more global perspective for a second too, just look at it from just the physical components that we all bring into this dynamic, right? We've joked about how sex evolves in marriage. And as you get older, it's like, "I can't do that because my hip is just going to hurt. I'm going to pull a hamstring, or that hurts my back."
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: Right? Or some different things. Just like, ah, no. So you start finding what works, what gets the job done, what gets you where you're wanting to go with that particular encounter. And I think that's where we have to make it specific.
Pam Allan: Yeah.
Corey Allan: Because there's some times where I'm looking for something a little more extravagant, and that's where maybe you need to stretch a little bit ahead of time or something.
Pam Allan: To me, that just adds so much to the joy and the intimacy between us. Because as those things come into play, like in her scenario, if I see, I don't know some sort of pillar, or maybe you got some special little, every time I see it, like, "Oh, that's my lifting device," or whatever it is. Nobody else knows it.
Corey Allan: And there are things out there, there's wedges and there's different lifts that help with not only that, but with missionary, with he's on his knees, you're on your back. I mean, there's a lot of different ways that you can try out this. But when you're talking about height differences, basically get creative, just like she's describing.
Pam Allan: Right. Well, and sometimes it's, maybe he's standing on the bed and you're on the bed. I mean, not standing on the bed.
Corey Allan: Wow. That's a lot of pillows.
Pam Allan: Standing on the floor and it's just like, you don't have to both be on the bed. You figure it out with different pieces of furniture, which allow for different heights.
Corey Allan: And if you need to, then, if height is an issue on some of the things you want to do, well, then both be laying down. That's a whole different, woman on top. Height doesn't matter in that regard. So it's just recognizing, okay, yeah, it's a reality. But how do I see these things as, "No, I can't do it so I shut it down," versus, "Huh, I wonder if we could figure that out." They're like little challenges because we all get pushed up against these walls of, "I'm not comfortable with that. I don't want to try that." And so sometimes there's a segment of us as humans that will just be quick to, "Nope, not even going to test the waters." But growth happens when it's like, "I wonder. I can always go back to, 'nope, that didn't work or nope, that hurts.'"
Because again, this is the phrase we've landed on that I love. "Great marriages and great sex lives are defined by couples that recover better." Because it's not that there aren't still mistakes, and issues, and pulled hamstrings, and hurt backs, and distractions, and even callous words that slip out in reactive moments. All that kind of stuff happens as humans because we're not always at our best. But do I recover well? Do I own what was my part in it? Do they?
Pam Allan: Sure? Well, and this one, it's not like it sounds like there's any strife. It's just, "Hey, what's some tips for helping bridge the height gap?"
Corey Allan: The height discrepancy. Because yeah, we also have the ideas of what do you do when there's a lot of weight involved, right? If someone's overweight or both are overweight, then you have a limited range of what you can do. It changes things.
Pam Allan: Well, and some of those might be going back to, is there a position that I'm not thinking of? What's the-
Corey Allan: Christian Friendly Sex Positions is a website. So just put that in Google, it'll come up. There's over 280 positions that are listed.
Pam Allan: They're in stick figures or something like that?
Corey Allan: Yeah. It's the figures you would see like the denote, the men and women's restrooms. So you can tell the difference, although it's pink and a blue on telling which gender is which.
Pam Allan: Yeah. So maybe something like that would help on a height different piece too, thinking of some positions you haven't used before.
Corey Allan: Yeah. And if you're interested in a little bit of a change out for the date night, pull out your phone, pull up that page, scroll through with your spouse and check off which ones you've not attempted, but you would like to.
Pam Allan: There you go.
Corey Allan: Maybe height is an issue, but maybe limberness is actually the bigger one or something.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: So before we jump into the extended content, Pam, I want to at least drop the quote for people, because think it's worth everybody hearing this quote that came to me from this book I've been listening to, which is Think Like a Monk, is the name of the book I'm listening to, currently. But there was a quote that he refers to. And the guy that made the quote is Charles Horton Cooley. He's an American sociologist. And his quote is, "I am not who you think I am. I am not who I think I am. I am who I think you think I am." I'm going to let that one just sit there for a little bit. And if you want to hear what we think as we unpack this, join us in the extended.
So it's interesting Pam, that how often do we get times in the extended content, where I have something kind of in my mind, sort of where I want to go and I don't know if we landed there or not, but some of them get pretty murky.
Pam Allan: Well, I mean, how many conversations does every couple have at home that sometimes they're, "I am not following what you're saying here."
Corey Allan: That's completely right.
Pam Allan: And you go through this. You've got clear water that you step in and stir up all that sediment down in the bottom. And now it's muddy and I can't see where the rocks are.
Corey Allan: We kind of did that in some regards on two segments today. One was the very first one with the wise step. That was a little more clean. crosstalk What's my next wise step? But then for sure, in the extended content today was a little more, I'm reading you as it's unfolding going, this is not going well.
Pam Allan: But deep thinking, I am so fourth grade. Deep thinking, I'm like, "Oh, I got to sit here and noodle on this." Those are ones that I got to have a precursor to read.
Corey Allan: I get you. But there's hope Pam, because if you go to my.passionatelymarried.net, if it's in the murky waters to you and you're the in the academy area, jump into the academy there, jump on the topical boards there and let's continue the conversation to help it make sense. If you're just a member of the Nation and you're just listening to the regular version, jump on my.passionatelymarried.net, jump in the conversation there about what's the next best wise step? How does that make sense to you? That's why that place exists.
Pam Allan: All right.
Corey Allan: Well, this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. If we left something undone, we want to see you in the conversation or as always, give us a call, (214) 702-9565 email@example.com. Wherever you are, whatever you've been doing, thanks for taking a little bit of time out of your week to spend it with us. See you next time.
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