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Not Feeling Chosen #543

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On the Regular version of today’s show …

Two emails from wives who do not feel chosen in their marriages.

One wife has trouble trusting because of this and past betrayals from her husband. The other wife is married to a man who says he wouldn’t get married if he were to do it all over again.

On the Xtended version …

With the huge volume of information and noise in our world, we talk about the benefits of an attention diet. And how to go on one.

Enjoy the show!

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Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio,
You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.

Corey Allan: So it seems kind of odd to start the show this way, Pam, but I came across a quote or a statement just not too long ago that was from Google that said that in the last two years, according to Google, more information has become available in the last two years than all of history combined.

Pam Allan: Wow.

Corey Allan: And so here we are adding to the flood and the tsunami of information.

Pam Allan: Of information. That's quite a statement to make, but I mean you can see as technology, and it continues to increase and move forward, yeah.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: We're overloaded with information.

Corey Allan: Well, it's the thing that we talk about with our kids a lot, and then there's been a thread that anytime I've spoken we get off on some of the parenting and the state of the world, and some of those rabbit trails we can go down that, that we use the quote from Ecclesiastes that there's nothing new under the sun. The issues that we face, they've been faced. We just have a propensity to overreact now because we know about everything going on. When it was still going on, we just didn't know about it, and I don't know which one's better. Do I want to know, or am I better in the dark? But it's just the idea of, wow, there is a flood, that's where we're heading in the extended content today, by the way, is going to touch on some of this idea and talk some more.
But it's just kind of funny to think we're starting off a show talking about-

Pam Allan: Some of what idea?

Corey Allan: The idea of how much information is out there.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And what do you do about it?

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because it becomes noise.

Pam Allan: It does.

Corey Allan: And it's maybe not beneficial to life and to marriage and to your sex life because of so much noise. And where's quiet?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Where's contemplation? Where's good sexual escapades, that are truly escapes and kind of in the flow. So we add to the information each week on Wednesdays when we do a show, we add to this tsunami, so welcome to Sexy Marriage Radio, and the information that'll be coming this week. And we're so glad that you take the time out to spend it with us. And if you want to join in to help steer this form of information to areas that will help you, we want to hear from you, 214-702-9565, or email us, and we want your voice. We're going to keep making the call for it. So make a recording and email it to or just do an old school email. That's kind of weird to say, isn't it? That it's old school.

Pam Allan: That is old school.

Corey Allan: At feedback is And then if you like the show, rate and subscribe, leave comments, because we want to help spread the word that married sex is a fantastic avenue for really good sex. Not only that, just great relationships, because it builds better people.

Pam Allan: That's right. That's at the core of it, right? Building a better person.

Corey Allan: That's the whole thing it's about, is marriage is designed to help us be better. If you're new to Sexy Marriage Radio, that's what we believe, is marriage has something going on and it helps us be better. And that's what we want everybody to challenge themselves to, to look at it differently, ask better questions.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And that's what we're trying to make happen each and every week. And a quick little announcement that's coming up that we're really excited about is the very first video course is in launch phase almost.

Pam Allan: Very excited for this.

Corey Allan: So all the prep works being done, getting it ready to go, but it's worth noting because we've never done this before with a launch of anything. We're going to have like a 48 hour flash sale when it first goes live.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And so we'll correspond it. You'll get, if you're on the email list or you listen regularly on Wednesdays or Thursdays to the newest shows, you'll hear about it. You won't miss the sale. As long as you stay up.

Pam Allan: As long as you listen right away, right?

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Because if they wait till Saturday to listed the flash sale might be over.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: But if you also are part of our email list, which if you're not go to and look on how to join the Nation, click on that, that'll get you information because it'll never be the price that's going to be when we launch.

Pam Allan: Are you announcing a launch date?

Corey Allan: No, we don't have that yet because I'm still working out a few particulars.

Pam Allan: Deal. Okay.

Corey Allan: To make sure it all works the way I'm hoping it does.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: But it's coming soon in the next two or three weeks.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And so we'll be letting people know, but we'd love to have you take advantage of the Rekindle and Connect Course, which was filmed at the last year's getaway. Fantastic time together. And speaking of this year's, next year's getaway's coming up too. So jump on board with that. Come join us in Indianapolis.

Pam Allan: Do it.

Corey Allan:
Well coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is a couple emails, Pam, that came in. One of them's been in for a while, in the queue. I guess the best way to capture the theme, hence the title for today's show, is the idea of what do I do when I don't feel chosen in my marriage? And maybe I haven't all the way through, or maybe it's just a season right now, or things that transpired where I just don't feel chosen anymore.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so there's some specifics with the two emails that we'll unpack that will kind of stay within this theme. And then on the extended content of Sexy Marriage Radio today, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads, you can subscribe at We're going to circle back to the idea of how much information's coming and go through a concept or an idea that, Mark Manson's who I found it from.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Came up with called The Attention Diet. Diets are all the rage right now. So what if you do it with your attention?

Pam Allan: Maybe so.

Corey Allan: So all that's coming up on today's show. So this is an email from a wife that says, "I listen to your show while I get ready in the morning for work. And I love the different perspectives of you and your wife. Thanks for providing a space that feels comfortable and safe. I've been married for 25 years. Prior to getting married he cheated on me while I was pregnant. We worked things out for the most part and went on to build a life, have two more children. He cheated again about 10 years ago. We went to counseling, read books, prayed together and stayed. However, I don't trust him and probably never will at this rate. I often think about leaving because it's basically torture to my soul to live in a marriage like this every day. we get along great, sex is amazing and often, and we enjoy the same things, and it seemed like it should just be so easy.
"But my husband talks about a woman at work often. I don't know her, met her on one time in passing. She's in an unhappy marriage apparently and recently had a baby. My husband's a sensitive guy and has a lot of compassion for people, but this is too much. He told me last night that he would be sharing an office with her. I told him I don't like the idea and he knows the way I feel about her, but I get the, "Well, if you would trust me," BS in response. I try to remind him that it's because of him that I feel the way I do. Honestly, I don't trust him. I feel like our whole marriage he's wanted out, but he knows that I'm the sensible choice. He knows I would never cheat or lie. It's just not me. I'm the sensible one.
"I asked him the other day, what he likes about me or loves about me. And he says my loyalty. Seriously, my loyalty? I secretly cried in the bathroom and have reconsidered my loyalty to him ever since. I have tiptoed around my feelings, tried to keep peace in most situations, and have taken my husband's feelings into consideration this whole marriage not wanting to rock the boat and give him a reason to cheat or leave, but it's left me empty and unfulfilled. He buys me gifts, helps around the house a lot, takes me on vacations, provides a wonderful living for us, and has tried for the last 10 years to be a good husband. So what's wrong with me? I feel like I need to work on me, but I'm not sure where to start."

Pam Allan: Hmm.

Corey Allan: So this is one of those that there are lots of layers.

Pam Allan: There are.

Corey Allan: Of what's going on.

Pam Allan: There are. Lots of history has built up to this.

Corey Allan: Absolutely. And one of the things, I think I'm going to start here and then we probably will come back to it, on the whole idea of trust.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because that is a move she's seeing of, "Well, but if you would just trust me." And she's calling BS on that.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Because history shows, in this specific area, he's not trustable. Hasn't been, at least. Doesn't mean people don't change, but doesn't mean people don't solidify character, but it is one of those recognizing, okay, so anytime I hear the word trust, and in the history of SMR, we've got several episodes about this. One of which I don't remember the number, but the title's Trust and Hurt.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And the importance of separating those two out, because there's hurt that's different than trust on how you heal. So anytime I hear the word trust, I want to know specifics. Trust to do what? Give me an actionable item that goes along with it.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Right? Because we can do broad brush with it, but I just don't trust you. And what I'm doing is trying to mitigate my risk.

Pam Allan: Okay. Okay. But your trust in what areas, right? Because it sounds like she trusts that, okay, he's going to be a provider, he's going to do certain things. It sounds like I don't trust that you're not going to cheat again.

Corey Allan: Right. Right.

Pam Allan: So we know that.

Corey Allan: And I'm curious, because she's asking, "So what do I do?" I'm curious how specific has she been with her wording on that fact alone. Because sometimes we dance around it without being very, very clear of, "Okay. Here's the facts that we can't dispute. This happened. This happened. Now there's a situation that seems like ripe where it's a possibility it could happen again." So one, it makes me uncomfortable, what she said.

Pam Allan: Yep.

Corey Allan: Two, what's your safeguards? What's your plan? How do you plan to navigate this? Because if we go into things willy-nilly in life, history has shown in most every situation with humans, I can let my guard down, I can get sucked in. It's a slow creep to where I'm into something. We don't just wake up one day and go have an affair.

Pam Allan: Well, and that's her concern there, is what it sounds like, right?

Corey Allan: Absolutely.

Pam Allan: But she's also asking, "What do I work on in me? What is it with me?"

Corey Allan: And that's where I want to come back to.

Pam Allan: Okay. Okay.

Corey Allan: But I think we have to start with this idea of trust.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because a lot of times we throw it out there and it's something I don't have control over.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And instead I'm better off by looking at, okay, now she's at where she's landing of, "Okay, I'm in a situation where, so my loyalty is the holy grail for him?"

Pam Allan: Right. You're glad that I'm-

Corey Allan: So that means you have no fear of me doing something. I've taken all the fear on in the marriage. Okay. So she's recalibrating that, which good on her, at least come into things eyes wide open.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Be aware.

Corey Allan: So the things that jump out to me right off the bat on what's wrong with me, or what do I need to do is her phrase of, "I temper myself with my feelings out of fear of what he might do."

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So she tempers herself in hopes that he will stay or love more. Love what? Stay for what?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And this is the weird little thing we do as humans.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: I get afraid of what a result could be so therefore I start trying to manufacture things without presenting all of me to let people truly choose.

Pam Allan: Well, what is she staying for? To be in a marriage where she's crying in the bathroom on her own, because she's not feeling chosen.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: She's feeling like she's the safe one and not chosen for who she is other than she'll be loyal.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Right? So she's already going to be hurt anyway, whether he cheats or not, again, if her stance continues, they're still stuck in this same situation.

Corey Allan: Well, yeah, because that's the dynamic of what's going on.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Between them. But how does she then get better at, "This is who I want to be more and you may not like it as much and, yes, your history has shown if you don't like it you'll leave or you'll cheat or whatever." And so there's risk involved, but there's risk of not doing it too.

Pam Allan: Totally.

Corey Allan: There's risk of tempering yourself.

Pam Allan: Totally.

Corey Allan: For the sake of other people. Still involves risk. It just means I'm taking that anxiety and making it on my own for the marriage rather than leaving it in the dynamic between us.

Pam Allan: Right. So she can't sleep at night, but he's sleeping just fine.

Corey Allan: Right. So the first thing she asks herself, I think is, is it serving her well to temper her feelings, her emotions, her joys, her whatever, because we don't usually just temper the negative. When we put a governor on us, if you will, like on our emotions, and I don't have any history or research to back this up, it's just a hunch.

Pam Allan: Right. Okay.

Corey Allan: Just because I haven't gone down to search to see if there is something that proves this out or not. But the hunch is I don't want to upset you with anything negative to me.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Right? And so I'm going to do what I can to buffer, boost myself up, et cetera. The flip side of that also rings true of I take away the highs also, because I start to bring myself closer to the median. We can't just typically, "Oh, I'm still going to be as boisterous and demonstrative on the good things and really limited on the negative things." The body doesn't work that way, the feelings don't work that way. The feelings are actually driving the ship more than we think.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: In humans. It's not our thinking brain. It's our feeling.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: I mean, in a lot of ways, our thinking brain is the passenger in the car while the feelers are driving.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so it's recognizing if I take the top off of one, I take the top off the other. And so how does she be more expressive? How does she be more engaged? Yes, that could mean some of the negatives are shared. Yes, that could mean she does not ever back away from the, "I'm not comfortable with the situation," but just let it be felt and let it be known.

Pam Allan: Well, what's wrong with, I mean, it sounds like they've had the conversation because he says, "Well, if you'd just trust me," but really what's wrong with the spouse who's there's been this history, a couple times, fool me once, fool me twice kind of thing.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Really what's wrong with saying, "I really don't like you getting in this situation. I'd appreciate it if you would do something proactively to not share an office with this person."

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Right? To me, that's a trust builder to have a spouse that would go after that and say, "Yeah, I don't want to put myself in that situation."

Corey Allan: Fair. But the struggle becomes that's her trying to implement something that she has no control over. And maybe he doesn't.

Pam Allan: Potentially, right, depending on where they are. Yeah.

Corey Allan: So then you have more conversations about, okay, so what are the safeguards? What are the things that you recognize are relational boundaries? Because there's a dynamic of the relationship boundaries you and I have of who we are as a couple, there are things we don't share with other people. Shocking, I know because we do a show where we share quite a lot.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: But there are some things that just aren't out there.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And if it ever starts to get to a point where it's like, "I think this could really help somebody. Hey, babe, are you okay if I share this with X?"

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: "Because I think it could be beneficial to them." And then it's up to you to say, "No, I'm not." Or, "Yeah, I'm fine with that."

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: But it's just there's elements of understanding. And we come off of this, at least I do, and I'm speaking for you because I think I'm right on this, of my read, we come off on the we want no hint of any impropriety, any kind of thing that could be-

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Construed as flirting, I don't want any hint of that with other relationships.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And so I just keep a real clear line in the sand for myself, because I know what I'm capable of based on my history of putting myself in wrongs situations enough. Willpower won't last.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: So I just don't even want to get close.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And so I steer it all towards you and everything else stays very, very clean. And so colleagues I have that are female, it's always work talk or client talk. It's never personal talk.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: But it's just that kind of concept of there's ways you can do this that show I'm in this for you, honey.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: More than just your loyalty.

Pam Allan: Right. Right. But she's got no control over what he's doing in this situation.

Corey Allan: Right. And so she has to continue to live more exposed and more honestly, and let that weight carry the message better and see what he does with it.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because if he admires her loyalty, well test out his. And see how it goes.

Pam Allan: I mean that's valid, but when you say test out his.

Corey Allan: No, I don't mean.

Pam Allan: Are you saying put an ultimatum on it?

Corey Allan: No. I'm just saying live more life out loud with him and be who you want to be. That's the self-respecting move and see what he chooses with it. And if he chooses otherwise, then you can't control him anyway.

Pam Allan: Well, and there's a point there when she's been taken into account his feelings, not wanting to, I don't remember her wording, but you're married to a grown man. You're not married to a little boy.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Right? So if he can't deal with his feelings and deal with yours, then he's got some growing up to do. So put him out there.

Corey Allan: And her growing up move is putting him out there.

Pam Allan: Exactly.

Corey Allan: Because her not putting them out there isn't a grown up move either.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: "The art of marriage is really the art of keeping up to date with your partner, of staying on track with your own and each other's life goals as they emerge, exist, and change. It's about supporting each other and staying connected emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually." Marsha Berger, LMFT.
A great marriage doesn't happen by accident. Deeper connection with your spouse doesn't happen by accident either. Have you reached the point in your marriage where there's a slow creep of discontent or disconnect? When was the last time you talked with your spouse about anything other than the schedule, work or kids? What if there's a way to be reminded on a weekly basis to touch base with your spouse? The State of our Union helps you remember and discover what brought you together in the first place. It's a tool designed to help couples keep the important from being replaced by the immediate. Plus, this works from your own phone. 52 reminders, deepen your conversation, dream and plan together, go to Connect on a deeper level today.
So let's continue the conversation, but we're going to pivot a little bit with this email, because it's still going to have a lot of the same feel. But we can bring in a different data point. So this is an email that says, "How should a wife handle and deal with emotionally, if her husband says that if he were to do it all over again, he wouldn't get married, to me or to anyone else, due it taking away a lot of his freedom. But he says that too many people depending on him to not do what he says when he vowed to stay married on our wedding day and I believe he means it. He doesn't mean to hurt me when he said this, but it's how he feels. I asked him to be completely honest. That's how it came up.
It's crushing. And it feels like he's only staying with me because he has to. We'll be married 10 years and it doesn't seem like we should celebrate something he's stuck in. He says it seems unfair that the Bible says to marry before sex and you only get the chance to pick the person you're going to married to for the rest of your life. He used the example of going to the store and trying out a bunch of different clothes before picking out the ones you want to see which one fits best. He says that makes much more sense to him than marrying and having sex after, since it's such an important part of a man's life. I'm fit, attractive, into sex and we've always had a good relationship and have sex multiple times a week, but haven't always been into it as much as I am now. And I think that's what started the disappointment in marriage for me. We always still try to have lots of sex though.
So this has been a complete heart crush. He's had some history of looking at things but stopped because it wasn't making him happy either and he knew I didn't like it. The hard part is he's really good, attractive, and successful man who treats me good and I feel like he's being forced to stay because of duty. How do I live with that?"

Pam Allan: Wow.

Corey Allan: Yep.

Pam Allan: Well, Doctor?

Corey Allan: Okay. So this dovetails in some of what we already talked about.

Pam Allan: Yeah. I'm not feeling chosen. I'm not feeling wanted.

Corey Allan: That we get into some of these information, some of this times where we get these informations and it's like, "Okay, what am I supposed to do with that?" Because one thing is, I think we have to have eyes more open, and this is to both of the ladies here, with the statement I'm making. With whom I'm really dealing with, don't give him a pass. She made the comment of, "I don't think he meant to hurt me." Really? You don't think telling the person you married, "If I had it all to do all over again, I wouldn't do this," isn't going to have hurt. Even if it's absolutely true. There's hurt involved.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: There's hurt involved in a lot of things in life that we Disneyland version it to make it seem like, "Oh, they didn't really mean it." A quick little aside it's the same kind of thing when I hear from clients that, "Well, my parents did the best they could." No, they didn't. I don't want to get into that, but.

Pam Allan: But you brought it up.

Corey Allan: But we do it. I mean, do I do the best I can as a father? I try. But that also means I don't.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And that's the underside of what goes on in us as in people, and that is exposed in marriage. And that is where it is a contact sport in some regards with the amount of hurt that comes with it, because we don't always get what we want. Right? There's finite choices. That's what he's describing.

Pam Allan: Well, and the things he's describing here, at the beginning it sounds like just freedom. Right? It takes away my freedom. But then it feels like it gets super personal because it's, "Well, sure would've been nice to be able to try on a bunch of things first." Right?

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: And that's a more personal dig.

Corey Allan: And it's all still under the umbrella of freedom, and it's all still under the umbrella of, "I want to be able to do what I want to do and sleep with whoever I want to sleep with or go with my freedom where I want to have freedom," because that's what is the undercurrent of his argument, go.

Pam Allan: This may sound ugly. This may sound ugly to you, but I totally get where people at certain points of life say, "Oh, it'd be so much easier if I were just on my own and can decide things for myself" And I don't have all the people that I need to provide for. It's pressure.

Corey Allan: Hello? You don't think there's times I want to get in the truck and just drive.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Drive away from everything?

Pam Allan: Yeah. I think we've both said that.

Corey Allan: Yep.

Pam Allan: And so there is a piece to that where I think it's totally normal for most people to say, "I would just like to get away from it all and just go be."

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: So I guess I want to throw that out there.

Corey Allan: Yep. Okay. So let's land it this way.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because I think we have not pivoted to this one component.

Pam Allan: I want to go to her, yeah.

Corey Allan: And this is for both the ladies, but specifically for the second wife.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: He is blaming her for his choice.

Pam Allan: That's what it sounds like.

Corey Allan: That is a sophisticated move by him. And when we as people can just start to recognize the other people in our life, especially the people that I really care about, they are making moves. So how do I depersonalize their move to see what the move really could be? Because it's not necessarily a shot at, I blame you for my lot in life.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: But that's pretty much what the move is.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So how do you separate that out to be able to have a better response, accordingly, to where it's the idea of, "You know what, honey? You feel like you lost your freedom because of duty. That's on you, big boy. Don't blame me for your choice. That's akin to the same kind of thing of you have a bad day at work and you come home and you take it out on me. Don't kick me in the teeth because your clients were awful today."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: If you need help, be respectful about asking for it, or if you need to go get some time to relax and transition, do that. But it's the same kind of concept of if you feel like you need more freedom in our marriage, okay. Offer up. What would that look like?

Pam Allan: What does that look like to you? Yeah.

Corey Allan: And maybe I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm not. This is trust out the strength of our relationship, i.e., me, better. And let's see.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because maybe this is a situation where all I'm looking for is I'd like one weekend a a month where I can go off and do things that are still in the moral framework that we agree on. But I just want to go be with the boys and do poker night once a week or I want to go on a hunting trip and be gone for two weeks. Okay, I'm okay with that if that helps you feel like you got more freedom, because I think we want people that we're with to be more alive and vibrant with what makes them come alive.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: But I also need to realize that's right into the idea of some of these things I'm afraid of, i.e. the first email.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because I know there could be choices that are made that will be devastating and impacting on me.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Well, that choice is out there anyway.

Pam Allan: It is, either way.

Corey Allan: So the more I can go straight at it to see it as that's just a move they're making, how do I respond in kind, because I don't need to pin them down, there's this narcisst phrase, I need to make it harder for them to get around me with their choices and with their moves. Because if I want to be a part of their life, I've got to present something that's worth chosen and choose. And when I can do that and I start to see it as your statements or your decisions, your whatever, they're just moves, because you're going after what you're after. Okay, I don't need to fault you for what you're going after. I need to just recognize the moves better so I can respond. Because otherwise I shut down, out of fear, out of concern, out of temperance, out of whatever. I just don't want to upset you. What am I afraid of?

Pam Allan: Right. And why is it that my feelings wouldn't matter?

Corey Allan: Yep. Because I'm a part of this too.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And so if I want a vibrant spouse that's choosing me, I better be one myself. So who knew that with Sexy Marriage Radio, we would become diet radio.

Pam Allan: Huh. Well, not me. I guess I was trying to come up with something funny. I got nothing.

Corey Allan: Well, this is one of those things though that like today's episode makes me think about there's real pain points that happen in marriage and there's real ways we try to escape it, numb it, avoid it, distract ourselves from it. To what end.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because we ultimately have to come home to ourselves. We ultimately have to come home to our situation. And so this is a Mark Manson statement he made from his first book, The Subtle Art.

Pam Allan: Yep.

Corey Allan: That he talked about the idea of, "Life is going to have problems so the way you get a better life is you find better problems."

Pam Allan: Interesting.

Corey Allan: Which in a lot of ways, when it comes to marriage, tackling issues in my marriage is a better problem to address rather than the little things.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: That could go on and the other things that happen in my life.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because there's always going to be there. So choose better problems, because we always are going to have them. And so when you can start to frame it that way, maybe you get the better questions to really then look at what's going on between us. And if you need help, come back and let us know. 214-702-9565. Feedback at Well, this been Sexy Marriage Radio. Thanks again for taking some time out of your week to spend it with us. We'll see you next time.