Come join the conversations in the SMRNation Community at my.passionatelymarried.net
On the Regular version of today’s show …
Today we try go rapid fire again and still don’t get to all the questions submitted via Instagram. Want to follow us there? Please do: @sexymarriageradio
Just a hint of the topics we cover:
Oral sex, honeymoon tips, speaking up, anal sex, friends, talking about likes and a whole lot more!
On the Xtended version …
We go more in-depth with more questions from IG only this time on sexual dreams, libido and cycles, moods, and toys.
Enjoy the show!
The State Of Our Union: Weekly conversation prompts to have meaningful conversations. https://passionatelymarried.net/union
Announcer: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio. SMRnation.com.
You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host Dr. Corey Allan.
Corey Allan: Welcome back to another episode of Sexy Marriage Radio. Thanks again to The Nation for all the birthday wishes last week. It's one of those things what occurred to me, Pam, because turning 50, there's a lot of overlap in similarities to different aspects of our life. And what occurred to me was the idea that when we go traveling, we love road trips and traveling across the country and the world. Anytime you cross a state line, like in our case when we leave Texas and head into Oklahoma, the southern part of Oklahoma looks a whole lot like the northern part of Texas.
Pam Allan: Yeah. Did you just cross one of those lines?
Corey Allan: So 50 feels a whole lot like 49 right now because you're just not far enough into it yet to really see what's different. I think that's the way we are with people in our relationships and the seasons in our life and the things that happen outside of major catastrophe or tragedy, things that just come upon right away. A lot of the changes and a lot of things that happen, you're further into them before you recognize them.
Pam Allan: Yeah. I would agree with that.
Corey Allan: You can even look back and go, "Okay, look at that." That's kind of what we're talking about here with Sexy Marriage Radio each and every week that we hang out with The Nation. What are the changes? How do you look back at things and celebrate some of the wins and successes and even honor some of the losses and the failings because I think that's where we learn?
Pam Allan: Absolutely.
Corey Allan: A lot of what happens. So once again, to the SMR Nation, welcome. Glad you're here with us. We love hearing from you. What we know is what's on your mind? What topics do you got, questions you have? Call us at 214-702-9565, firstname.lastname@example.org. Join us on all the different platforms across this fair social media world. Today, incidentally, is a Instagram only rapid fire again.
Pam Allan: Looking forward to that one.
Corey Allan: That was a big hit last month or five/six weeks ago when we did this last time. So if you're not following us on these, come find us because there's lots of great conversations and great content coming on all the different platforms as well as my.passionatelymarried.net. So we hope you'll join us, and we want to hear your voice and what's going on with you.
So coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio, as the aforementioned Instagram Q&A. We're going to see how far we can get through a bunch of these questions that we have. We are not at all going to get all of them.
Pam Allan: Uh-uh (negative). There's a ton.
Corey Allan: And on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper, longer and there's no ads, you can sign up and learn more at passionatelymarried.net/smracademy. We're going to do a little more of a deep dive from some of the questions that were sent to me direct message in Instagram.
Pam Allan: Okay, that were more detailed?
Corey Allan: That'll got a little bit further. So I've got five or six questions that have been submitted that merit a little bit more time. So you'll get an email. If you DM'ed me with this, check your inbox with a link to the show for the extended content because as always if we cover something in the extended content and they're not an Academy member, which come join us. It's a great weekly benefit. We'll get it to you so that way you get the benefit of at least our thoughts. So all that's coming up on today's show.
So again, this is just as fast as we can go of let's cover them. But let's see how much ground we can cover.
Pam Allan: All right. I'm ready to roll.
Corey Allan: Let's go.
Pam Allan: All right. How can you make scheduling sex more sexy?
Corey Allan: Yeah, this is one of those things that's been interesting lately. I've had a couple different emails about this too from other listeners or just coming across it. For some reason, the idea of scheduling makes it seem like it's going to be this whole, it's just another thing to do. But if you think about it, we all live lives via schedules of various things. So this is needing a chance to dispel the myth of is married life sex always what's depicted in the movies? No. The spontaneity, the just you rip each other's clothes off and you fall into bed. You're just seamlessly transitioning from life into sex. That's not life. That's reel R-E-E-L life.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: Not real life. So it's just kind of coming to grips. With some couples, this really, really helps and really works because they can grasp the idea of I got something to look forward to, to anticipate. I can get myself there knowing, "Yeah, this is something that's coming up. This is going to be worth it." And then you can add the caveat of just because it's something scheduled in the calendar, as in like Thursday nights are busy time night or Wednesday night. I mean, it's hump day, come on. Then you still can be spontaneous and adventurous with what you do, but you take some of the guess work on is it going to happen or not out of it. And I think sometimes that can help-
Pam Allan: So maybe it takes-
Corey Allan: ... loosen a little bit.
Pam Allan: Yeah, take some tension and anxiety out just because both of you have agreed it's happening rather than, "Am I going to get turned down tonight?"
Corey Allan: And I think they're always can still be the caveats of, "Hey, I know this is on the calendar. I need to reschedule," because that's the way life is if I'm beholden to something completely, it does squash sometimes. But if you've got this agreed upon, "Let's try it out. Let's see and see what can happen," because if you knew Thursday night was the night, maybe you started the morning differently. I'm going to start this process for me now. Meaning I'm thinking about it ahead of time on what I'm going to choose to wear, what I'm going to choose to do today. That can totally change the whole experience to where sexy becomes a different meaning and powerful sexy.
Pam Allan: Right. All right. The next one, how do you have safe anal sex, either male or female? And they say here, "Consent being step one, obviously."
Corey Allan: Obviously, yeah because this is one of those things that needs to be clearly communicated throughout the entire process. That's the one thing I keep coming across with people that are interested in exploring this avenue. That the biggest thing safely because an anus is a whole lot more tender tissue than vagina. So it's riskier because of tearing and just comfort. There's a lot of different aspects to it. So lube, lube, lube, lube, lube, and lots and lots of communication. And then the last thing that probably should've been beforehand, all of this, is make sure you're both sufficiently warmed up and aroused because the arousal adds some levels of relaxation to the genitalia and the orifices in our body. It takes away some of the tension when I've got the blood flowing to all those areas better.
Pam Allan: Gotcha.
Corey Allan: So lots of communication all the way through it knowing full well at any point it can be stopped because of pain or discomfort or it's not something I'm into. Whatever it is, I can always change my mind, and then that needs to be honored.
Pam Allan: Okay. All right. So need advice. When it comes to sex, my husband will always get off and won't even try to help me.
Corey Allan: Okay. So this is the classic one-sided sex scenario where it seems like it's based just on his pleasure. So there's a couple different things that come right to my mind, and most of these are moves, not conversations.
Pam Allan: Okay.
Corey Allan: Okay. Because obviously a conversation is an important thing of, "Hey, there seems to be this trend that this is just about you. What about me? I would like some focus on me. Maybe we do that beforehand, and maybe that can be at least level set outside of the experience." Most of the time when you want to have a conversation about something that you think is not going well in your sex life, don't do it right immediately following said sex life.
Pam Allan: Because it gets more heated or-
Corey Allan: More defensive in that regard. We don't take those things well as usual rather than we've always been advocates, and this is what we've done in our marriage too over big issues is we have lunch time conversations about some of the things that we know are a little more tenuous or we go on walks that we have things because it puts us in public and it puts stop points for the conversation.
Pam Allan: Well, we're not staring at each other either.
Corey Allan: Good point.
Pam Allan: Just kind of go.
Corey Allan: So the conversation is the start, but then the one-sider, the moves are one, as you start the whole process and you follow whatever the natural script is you guys have started doing where it is just focused on him, change that sucker up and go, "No, no, no. We're not heading there yet." So you speak up but then you change it up." Then the other if you want to be so bold is after he has gotten off, before he actually gets off and out away from you, reach down and start taking care of a couple things yourself and see what that does on you and just try it out and just see. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're welcome to hang out. Apparently you didn't care about me doing this right now, but I'm going to." Something to that effect that's just kind of a bolder, "I'm going to take this into my own hands if you're not willing to help."
At least a proverbial making the move towards that shows a different side of the power of what you're wanting because too often in married life we get caught in this idea of, "Well, but I've said the words, now they need to honor them." And yeah, in a perfect world, they would. We don't live in a perfect world. Most people are like, "Yeah, okay. I hear you." And then they just go on about their way because there's something deeper in there that they're not wanting to address, deal with, whatever it might be.
Pam Allan: Right, yeah. If you leave it at lip service and you don't follow through with action, that's pretty common in any situation, right?
Corey Allan: Yup. One of the truisms of married life is my words only are as good as the actions that follow them. And if I don't have the actions, then I'm basically teach people, "You don't really need to listen to what I say."
Pam Allan: Yup. All right. So how do you know when it's erectile dysfunction versus getting in your head?
Corey Allan: The best way to know that is through a medical doctor and examinations because you're talking about blood flows issues that if there are any kind of circulatory issues, that's what Viagra Cialis and a lot of those for is they help loosen the blood vessels to help the blood flow a whole easier to the penile area and the genitalia. Most of what I keep coming across when you're talking about erectile issues, it's anxiety-based more than anything. And sometimes it can be both because sometimes that pill gets you over the hill psychologically to go, "Okay. I got that little bit." And then you need to be doing the breathing exercises and working on, "Okay, what am I so anxious about? What's the real hang up here? What's the real concern? What's the real fear?"
Because this is one of those things I don't know what it's like for a woman in any kind of struggling orgasming where it's like I get right on the cusp and then I lose it. Then you're kind of get back in that cycle again on the next encounter. In the back of your mind, it's like, "Yeah, but what if I get right to the edge and I can't get there again?" It's the same kind of thing for a man in the sense of, "What happens when this happens again?"
Pam Allan: Well, I'm curious on that one. Dive in a little deeper. I don't know if you can compare those two. And maybe some of the ladies call in to say one way or another, but the man's erectile dysfunction is so much different than a woman just not being able... It's obvious to both of you-
Corey Allan: Absolutely. That's why I couldn't think... There's not a clear correlation because a woman, frankly, to have sex, not as much as a required physically speaking to have penile vaginal intercourse.
Pam Allan: Right, right.
Corey Allan: I don't want to go deeper-
Pam Allan: For sure got to happen.
Corey Allan: To have penile vaginal intercourse, an erection at least to some degree has to occur to have penetration. So they're not apples to apples at all, but one of the struggles is what about when it happens again? And this is that anxiety-
Pam Allan: I hear what you're saying.
Corey Allan: ... building on anxiety. So a lot of times what we have to recognize is how do I tolerate this anxiety to know, "Okay. When this happens again, I can do this or I can breathe. We can come back to it later." That all of those still are successes. The same kind of approach actually works with people that are struggling with delayed ejaculation issues because you get this point where you've got the build up going, kind of like with the female orgasm, and then you lose it. And then it's like, "Well, I can try something different. We can back up or we can come back to it later." Some of those can still be completely successful encounters together because sex in married life is a long game.
Pam Allan: Right. All right. So how many people talk during sex like for affirmation and-
Corey Allan: Not enough from what I hear in my office.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: This is where we kind of get into this idea of as clothes start coming off and body parts start becoming displayed possibly, mouths get shut as far as vocally, and we just fall into a routine. So a lot of times if you need affirmation, sometimes that can really enhance it as an, "Oh, that's great," "Oh." Where there is a little more of a coaching and teaching component of, "Stay right there," "Keep doing that," "That's perfect," "I love this." And you can even go a little more crass and crude and colorful depending on where you are. There's actually in the archives a show called The F-Word that we did years ago about words are just words as far as we think of it. What's in a context of the marriage, fantastic. But all of it's communicating vocally can really help.
Kissing more can actually help too. inaudible has done in the past, he's done a bunch of research on kissing seems to go away as married life gets further during sex. That there's less of it. So bring that back into it because that's a different aspect of connection and a deeper connection still.
Pam Allan: So sensual too.
Corey Allan: So open your mouth and let the words flow at times and see what... It's all experimental to me in a lot of ways. See what works. See what helps. See what doesn't and keep going.
Pam Allan: All right. So my fiancee and I are both virgins with a month left to wait. Any uncommon honeymoon advice?
Corey Allan: Well, so we've done the idea of take your time, breathe, ease into it, relax, take your time, breathe, ease into it, relax because there's a lot of anticipation. One of the most uncommon ones I would think of right off the bat... This is what you and I talked about as preparing for this a little bit was the idea of sex doesn't have to happen on your wedding night. It's not this whole big, "Oh, what a downer if we don't have..." I mean, a lot of people have really bad honeymoon experiences because sex does not live up to what they thought or hope because sex is completely different than what we think and hope. I mean, man, we're almost 28 years into this thing. Happy anniversary this week by the way.
Pam Allan: Oh, thank you.
Corey Allan: There's still times where I'll have an expectation of an encounter with you that it's not going to live up to it. Because when we start unfolding, it's like, "Yeah, I don't want that. Actually, I want..." And it's just shifting and recognizing how do I be flexible? So the uncommon one is even if it takes you a day or two or three or even not even on the whole honeymoon, and you just use that as a vacation to just get to know each other on a different level, you got the lifetime to have sex.
Pam Allan: You got all kinds of exploring to do, and I think that probably is an uncommon thing, especially when you're both virgins, and you maybe are kind of pretty anxious about it.
Corey Allan: All kinds of tension. And the first time doesn't have to be magical.
Pam Allan: But it can be.
Corey Allan: It's a journey. Well, but it's a journey together. It's like I'm learning this. I mean, to everybody in The Nation-
Pam Allan: Go ahead and take lube. Go ahead and take lube and for sure do that. That'll make it enjoyable.
Corey Allan: To everybody in The Nation, wherever you are as you're listening to this, are a better lover now than you were five years ago or 10 years ago if you've been in marriage up until the double digits almost? This is where we're learning about ourselves and each other, and I got a lifetime to explore. That's why it's a great adventure.
Pam Allan: Right. Okay. Next one, why do men seem to obsess over oral sex? Sometimes it seems like they prefer it. Obviously that's a broad general statement.
Corey Allan: Yes, well, oral sex is one of those components that has a different meaning attached to it because it's a different taking you... I'm stumbling over words. Maybe it's because I'm so... Nevermind.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: The idea of drinking somebody in I guess is one way to think of it. That's one of the phrases I've come across over the years of doing this show. That there's something edifying, empowering about that that's different than entering into a vagina. It's a different tenderness. It's a different giving. And a lot of these are just all the meanings because again, the things in life are just things. What really matters are the meanings I attach to those things. Because for some men, oral sex is the foreign language. And for other, nope.
Pam Allan: Don't prefer it.
Corey Allan: Maybe it's a thing that we do as part of it, but it's not as big a deal to me. I would rather have something different or I'd rather do that to you. I don't need it reciprocated. Oral sex is one of those that's a real bonding experience both ways.
Pam Allan: Can be.
Corey Allan: Well, and I'm going just on a physical level because the pheromones that are existing, we absorb them most through our nose. That's one of the easiest ways to get them and catch into the scent of our partner if you will. So there's a component of bonding that comes from oral sex that's different. So sometimes it's the visual, which most men are really wired and enjoy. There's a power to it too that most men and women both can really enjoy to see it as, "Look, I have the power to provide pleasure in a lot of different ways." So play around with it and see, but then speak up about it as you realize, "This is a journey for me too. I'm not as good at it as I hoped to be, but I can learn. It's going to be a little awkward." And sometimes we have to learn to receive too because that's a whole nother power dynamic that is difficult for people sometimes.
Pam Allan: Okay. So on that note, when you're talking about breathing it in and pheromones, we have a question. What's the best way to stay clean down there? I shower every day. Any suggestions? And this is coming from a fella.
Corey Allan: Shower every day.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: There is the element that you could start to look at how do you want to trim the forest surrounding, across the board, right? Some neat and tidy; some all the way gone; some is just natural. It's across the board. Any kind of scent issues that happen in our genitalia, female and male alike, is associated with pubic hair because stuff gets caught in there. It starts to stink and there's odors and there's different... So just keep it clean and tidy. Whatever that means for you. If you're concerned about it right before an encounter, shower before. There's a lot of couples that I know of throughout the years of doing this job and having conversations at this level with people that part of their foreplay is showering beforehand. That they each take turns or they start it in the shower together, kind of cleaning each other, getting prepared. That's actually the amping up and starting the process. That way they know for sure I'm comfortable, he's comfortable or she's comfortable. Let's roll.
Pam Allan: Right. All right, what is the normal amount of sex per week? Is it weird to have sex multiple times a day?
Corey Allan: No. I hope not to be weird to have multiple times. But no. So all I can give you is averages because normal is one of those things that's like the weather. It's varied according to a lot of circumstances, but that still is in the realm of normal. So I don't like giving... I actually did this as a question I think the Christians Who Curse Sometimes ran it. It was a Q&A about a pastor gave a couple the advice of healthy sex lives entail three to four times a week. That's what makes it healthy. And I'm like where does that come from? To me, that's usually skewed greatly by the deliverer.
Pam Allan: Yeah. So this couple is feeling totally inadequate because they were only having sex-
Corey Allan: Maybe once or twice a week.
Pam Allan: Once or twice. Yeah.
Corey Allan: So normal according to what research shows on average is 56 to 62 times a year. So that's the range crosstalk of how many people's like a little bit over the week. The way I think about it is it's on average weekly and then when you're on vacation or you get those weekends away where there could be multiple times. That's what bumps that number up. So what's normal for you is how often are you having it? Is it quality? Great. I would focus more on quality, not quantity.
Pam Allan: Yeah. All right. The husband wants more frequent sex. How do I motivate myself to want it as often as he does?
Corey Allan: So you ask yourself some questions, first and foremost. How am I wired? Am I the kind that I can make a decision and my body will soon follow? Do I need to do a lot of prep work? Do I need to be a little more clear to him to say, "Hey, you get us started. I'll catch up." I think there's an element of how does it unfold for each of you?
Pam Allan: Sure.
Corey Allan: Because there's power in understanding that that sometimes I don't always have to do the leg work. I mean, I've gotten a lot of mileage with you over the phrase when there's interest in the past about, "Hey, how about some moderate to mediocre level sex tonight?"
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: And you're like, "Okay. That's not going to require much of me. My head can get there. That's fine." But if it's this whole, "Baby, let's do..." And it's like this big five act play. You're like, "I don't know if I got the energy for that." So there's a little bit of a level of conversation that can happen around that that's based more on you knowing you more and me knowing me more because there's times where I don't got the energy for all of that or...
Pam Allan: Well, it's a little more lighthearted too, which just doesn't feel like any kind of heated-
Corey Allan: It's a different kind of pressure.
Pam Allan: Yeah.
Corey Allan: But you can do some things in this arena to... Okay, what if you started trying to dress differently in the things that make you feel alive and sexy and vibrant? In the morning, as you're getting ready for your day, what if you slip on something underneath or even your whole outfit that's kind of geared towards, "I want to start this process early and see," because you have to realize the way most people's sexual desires unfold is peaks and valleys, if you will, throughout a day. It's like you just start in the morning, "I'm going to have sex." And it's a build up all day long that just never ceases. We'd get no work done if that happened in this world.
But it's recognizing, okay. So I got that thought, and I build on it. And then I get on with my day, and then that thought comes back and I build on that a little bit more. It's little peaks that keep showing up. So it's learn you, learn him, and come up with a dialogue around that and see if that helps you.
Pam Allan: Yeah. Okay. So I think marital or sex therapy is needed but my husband is against it. What can I do?
Corey Allan: Well, so any kind of therapy in my mind if you're at a point in your relationship where you feel like, "I think this can be really beneficial for myself, let alone us," then you go for yourself first and you invite your partner along because that's that idea we mentioned several questions ago of. Words don't mean us much if they're not followed up by actions. So if you feel like, "There's something I really want to address," and yes, when you're talking about a sex life, you want typically to have your partner to be involved with that conversation because they have a lot of influence over that aspect of your relationship. But they don't have full influence.
So a good sex therapist would allow you to help examining what's your role? What's your better ways? How are you getting in your own way? Some of the different aspects that it's not just about them. It's about you too. So address you and then invite them along. I love that idea of I've heard this a lot of times with marriage therapy where clients will start, one of them will. "Well, how do I bring my wife along? How do I bring my husband?" Well, invite them. "Hey, look, I scheduled a session at four with Dr. Allan. I'm going. You are welcome to join me at anytime." Because if the work is successful, as most of the time counseling can be, they will start to feel the pressure differently. And a lot of times what happens in my case is the spouse will go, "I think I want in on that. Things are changing, and that kind of freaks me out a little bit. I want to have a say too."
Pam Allan: Yeah. Okay. Last one. Is it harmful to discuss sex lives with your friends?
Corey Allan: Well, depends on the level and quality of your friends. I think there's also an element that you need to be respectful of your relationship first and foremost as far as your marriage first and foremost. Even you and I doing this show, this can be a great example. We have a lot of things of our lives out in the open because doing this show. But we have areas that are off limits to anybody but ourselves that we will not talk about. And if there's something I wanted to bring up because I'll be the one leading the charge in this kind of conversation on the show for sure, I will either have run it by you beforehand or I'll be watching you as we're heading into that unchartered waters to go, "Okay. We can always edit that out because that's not something you want out there," or I'll even have times I'll say something going, "Yeah, no. That's ours."
Pam Allan: That's between us.
Corey Allan: Because we create a secret part of our relationship that's ours.
Pam Allan: Yeah.
Corey Allan: But can you have a time where friends can actually help in a way in the sense of I think if you have friends that you can speak about parts of your sex life with, you might get some fun tips or fun stories and it adds a different level of bounding. But a lot of times what we get from that most is we get normalization of you share something and they're like, "You too? Wow. We had that..." It's just you kind of get this idea of... Because most of those things that happen in our sex lives that stay under the world of secret, we feel weird. Like we're the only ones, and it's nice to know you're not.
Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Corey Allan: Well, once again, there's a lot of questions.
Pam Allan: Oh my goodness. We didn't even get through half of them.
Corey Allan: Did we not?
Pam Allan: No. We did maybe a quarter of all of them that came in.
Corey Allan: Well, I love that people regularly have an interest in this aspect of there life and they're willing to speak up about it because knowledge can be power when I use it.
Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Corey Allan: Right. Of just being able to get inside and that's what we want to do here at Sexy Marriage Radio is just how do we frame conversations for couples? How do you ask better questions? How do you approach aspects of your life a little bit differently or better? Because as you can probably tell, we're not going to tell you what you do or don't do when it comes to your sex life. But you can have conversations about what you want to do or not do and see where that gets you because we're all in a process of becoming. And hope is it's an incredible journey along the way.
Well, this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. If we left something undone or you want us to expand on one of the questions or several of them that we did a little bit more, let us know. Feedback@sexymarriageradio.com. 214-702-9565.
We'll see you next time.
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