Come join the conversations in the SMRNation Community at my.passionatelymarried.net
On the Regular version of today’s show …
Today we try something different. We cover lots of questions in rapid-fire style. All questions were submitted via Instagram. Want to follow us there? Please do: @sexymarriageradio
Just a hint of the topics we cover:
Oral sex, sizes, fetishes, first time and wedding night, talking about sex and a whole lot more!
On the Xtended version …
We go more in-depth with more questions from IG only this time on threesomes, pain during sex, past trauma and abuse, and shame.
Enjoy the show!
The State Of Our Union: Weekly conversation prompts to have meaningful conversations. https://passionatelymarried.net/union
Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio. SMRnation.com.
Speaker 2: You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.
Corey Allan: So we here at Sexy Marriage Radio always are looking to help the nation to enhance their marriage, enhance their conversations, frame conversations, specifically around their sex life and their intimate life. Well, here's some new research I just came across it that I think it's worth sharing. So it was done by the website OMG Yes that I'm familiar with already. So they surveyed over 3,000 women from the ages of 18 to 93 across the United States. And they found when they looked at the different answers, there were four techniques that emerged that helped enhance the pleasure for a woman during penetrative sex.
Pam Allan: Okay. Are we sharing the techniques?
Corey Allan: Yes. So number one, that they found nearly 90% of the respondents said that they focused and used angling, which involves rotating, raising, lowering their pelvis and hips during the penetration to adjust where it's hitting with either the penis or the toy. Shallowing. 84% said that they make this vaginal penetration was more pleasurable by using shallowing, which is just at the opening of the vaginal canal.
Pam Allan: Not full thrust.
Corey Allan: Rocking. 76% say it increased their pleasure through rocking where the base of the penis or a sex toy rubs against the clitoris during penetration, which that's an obvious one because we talk about for most women, most reliable path towards regular orgasms is clitoral stimulation. And then the last one is pairing, which is 70% where either the woman or her partner, her spouse reaches down to stimulate the clitoris with a finger or a toy during intercourse.
Pam Allan: Okay. So pairing the penis and vaginal, along with the clitoral stimulation.
Corey Allan: Correct. Right. And so there's four things that research is just finding from over 3,000 women that were surveyed. That maybe you haven't incorporated something like this in your married life and in your moments of penile vaginal intercourse, try them out. So angle, shallow, rock, or pair, or all four.
Well, if you're new to Sexy Marriage Radio, we're so excited to have you joining us again this time. And if you're a regular part of the nation, man, thank you every single week that you hang out with us where we're having straightforward conversations about married life and sex.
And today's going to be a fun show because we have really started steering towards the world of Instagram and TikTok and Facebook, and just really creating a nation there is the goal. And so today's episode is going to be Instagram only questions that have come in.
Pam Allan: There's some great ones.
Corey Allan: And there's a lot of them. We just ran a little story that runs for 24 hours. And within that, we've got more than we can answer.
Pam Allan: Right. So this is going to be kind of like, we call it the rapid-fire questions.
Corey Allan: Correct.
Pam Allan: So it's the question and then a quick answer. And we go from there, and potentially if you want to hear more than email us and let us more, and we can dive deeper in future episodes.
Corey Allan: And that just goes to everybody in the nation. So if you've got questions or something that's not covered enough in this rapid fire, 214-702-9565 email@example.com, or my.SMRnation.com or Instagram, TikTok. There's a lot of different ways you can track us down and submit your questions. That's what's coming up on the regular version, and coming up on the extended version today is some additional questions that came from Instagram. They're going to require a little bit more unpacking.
And so if you are a listener today's episode and you submitted this particular question, I will be sending you a link to the extended content because I'm not going to run something where we answer your question, then make you pay for said content. We would love it if you would subscribe and you can do so at passionatelymarried.net/SMRacademy. But I will get you the links if we cover your question more detail in the extended. So you'll be seeing an email in your inbox that covers that. So all that's coming up on today's show.
So before you start peppering questions, Pam, I want to give a little bit of a framework for this.
Pam Allan: Perfect.
Corey Allan: Okay. Because if somebody is new to set to Sexy Marriage Radio and a part of the nation, which if you're listening, you're a part of the nation. There's a couple of foundational beliefs that we have as a show that we've always followed. One is we're trying to speak towards married sex because we think that's a sacred, blessed element of life and of Christian values. But we also try to just speak towards things that help enhance and make things healthy, but ultimately it's up to the two people involved in their choices.
So we just give good data and try to give good ways to frame conversations and better questions to ask. But it's also all under the umbrella that we believe married life is designed as a mechanism to help us grow up. And sex is like bootcamp at times on the intensity that it creates in us to have to grow up and face our own self, not just what spouse is or isn't doing. So that's one important thing.
And then the other, a lot of these different questions that we've seen and I've seen even the ones that we're not even going to have a chance to get to, they're asking for this answers under a Christian umbrella and is this okay? Is this not okay? What does the Bible say? We're going to take the stance in this that a lot of the things that we talk about are going to be based on what's healthy, what's pro-marriage, what's enhancing, but the moral struggle is up to each person.
We do believe in a moral authority, but we're going to frame it as in here's some better questions to ask, not that's right or that's wrong. Because in a lot of areas when you're talking about sex and marriage when it comes to scriptures, there's not a lot that say, "Here's how you do this, and here's what you absolutely should not do." So the things that we've been taught are usually sin by association and scriptures. They're not specifically talked about. And so we're going to dive into some of these areas, but we're going to frame it that way to start. Okay.
Pam Allan: All right.
Corey Allan: Let's roll.
Pam Allan: All right. What do I do when my husband rarely wants sex and mostly just wants me to do hand jobs?
Corey Allan: Well, there's a couple of things that come to mind on that. One is I'm curious about the history. Because we've said in the past, no vagina has the strength of a hand. And there's also an element of that kind of mechanism in the relationship dynamic of your sex life is more of a would you service me? So I would prefer to ask the questions of what's the meaning attached to that? How does she interpret that? Has she asked him? What does she prefer? Because if it's a higher desire, lower desire discrepancy, sometimes that's an easy way to bridge that gap if she's not opposed to being involved with that. But I'm guessing by the question, she would rather a little more variety than just that.
Pam Allan: Like to have intercourse.
Corey Allan: So then you're faced with, "You know what, no, I'd be interested in having sex with you. I just don't want to service you that way."
Pam Allan: Right. So speak up. So cum on my skin. For instance, my stomach and my legs grosses me out a ton, how do I get over this?
Corey Allan: So this is the desensitization possibility. Again, it comes down to what's the meaning attached to the ejaculate? But even a woman has some ejaculate that can happen in the lubrication. It's not usually referred to as that way, but same properties in large... Same concept, if you will.
So one question would be, what about if it's on his skin? Does it gross you out as much? Because sometimes it's that element of how do you move towards something if that's what you're really wanting to overcome. Because all of sex has elements of anxiety provoking, depending on where we are in our growth process. But if you also are at a point where I just have a particular aversion to that, so be it. Then just make sure you're using elements that help keep things cleaner or capture any ejaculate and cum that could happen. And then he's responsible for the cleanup.
To me, this is the verbiage of how are you talking about it? Just saying, "I really don't want to do that." If it is something you want to do though, then usually it's desensitization that you just kind of put yourself around it and then clean it up real quick. And then try to expand that time a little bit longer, and we're growing to learn better tolerance with it. And we don't typically think of tolerance when it comes to sex. That's almost like, "Oh, I just got to bear it." But I think it fits because it's not a negative. It's a neutral statement.
Pam Allan: Right, right. You're working yourself into something.
Corey Allan: Right.
Pam Allan: Right. Yeah. So I have a question I know is seldom talked about how can well endowed men navigate sex? For example, different positions, serving their spouse, et cetera.
Corey Allan: So yeah, this is seldom talked about. But it is one of those that you are talking about it depending on the size of the man's penis and endowment. Regular penal vaginal intercourse, especially some of the positions that allow deep penetration is going to likely hit her cervix especially if she is not fully aroused. Because the sophistication and the elegance of the woman's genitalia and the vaginal canal allows for a lot of different sizes because a baby comes through there. So it's one of the most flexible exquisite organs that there are in the body.
But her arousal oftentimes for most women will lift the cervix up and out of the way. So it allows for deeper penetration. But if you're still have too much endowment, then you are talking about needing to find ways to have more shallow penetration. And if you're trying to serve her in the sense of, "I don't want to cause any pain," let her be on top more often, and then she can control what's going on or let her have hold of your hips a little more, or put a hand around the base of your penis a little more. And that way there's less fear of what would happen if. Because we all can tense up if I know there's a chance to get hurt.
Pam Allan: And you're talking about her hand around the base?
Corey Allan: Or his hand. Either one. I mean, a lot of positions depending on where you are and how flexible you are, you can still reach down there in the middle of everything. I mean, that's pairing, like we talked about at the beginning of the show.
Pam Allan: Exactly. Well, and you were talking about shallow, right? That's serving her potentially if that's...
Corey Allan: Yeah. And there are some people I've come across that the match between him and her just did not ever allow for him to do full insertion. And he had to just grow not to be okay with that, to actually be good with it and see it as, "Okay. Wait, it's not just the fact can I just pound away all the way in. It's right what else are we doing?" That's the meaning attachment to it to makes it pleasurable for both of you.
Pam Allan: Right. Very good. Very good. All right. The thought of oral sex kind of freaks me out. How do you work up to that slowly?
Corey Allan: So this is the same thing as the ejaculate on the skin. It's a desensitization. It's a growing comfortable. We all have learned how to address our anxiety at some point, if you're actually having sex of any kind. Because when you first hear about it as a kid, you usually are freaked out. And then at some point meanings change.
So a lot of times what I've come across from the clients that I've worked with and from doing this show for almost a decade now, one of the easiest ways to start up with this is in the shower.
Pam Allan: Cleaner. You got water.
Corey Allan: I got a chance. You know everything's clean. It's a little more of an environment that can add some steam and a feel to it for some people. As long as you have a big enough shower to be comfortable with this.
The other is maybe you don't do oral sex, but maybe you put your head down there a little more regularly while you're manually stimulating or stroking because this isn't just a woman's only ordeal. There's men that have, "Idea of oral sex on a woman really freaks me out." So this is the idea of move down, kiss their thighs, be around the genitalia to just kind of breathe it in, calm yourself down, be there. And just if you were there for a couple seconds, fantastic. Move on to what you normally do. Then the next time, see if you can increase that another second or two.
And then when it comes to the actual oral, most people think oral just means suck away rather than licking is a pretty good thing too. Breathing on it is pretty good thing too. So there's a lot of options that are available. And it's just a question of how are you starting to confront yourself in the midst of it and just tell your partner to lay back and relax and enjoy.
Pam Allan: Right, right. Okay. Another question, does it hurt the first time?
Corey Allan: So the easiest answer to this is maybe. Some women, yes. Some, no. For most I've ever heard about where it is a yes. It's not like a searing pain for most. And again, there's exceptions. So I can already hear people because every person's experience is going to differ.
But the best thing that a couple can do when you're talking about their wedding night and let's kind of pivot, this was one of the questions I saw too is wedding night tips. Take your time, go slow. Lube is your friend here. Many couples actually can benefit when they're first getting into sex as virgins of penetrative sex and their virgins, lube can be very beneficial for at least the first year before her body starts kicking in with producing some of the lubrication that it would be sufficient even if it does. Because that's stuff that's not talked about a lot too, it does get talked about when a woman hits menopause stage of lube all of a sudden becomes a friend. But a lot of times a woman's a whole lot more comfortable in her skin to realize, "Yeah, bring that on."
Pam Allan: Right. Exactly. Yeah, I think for sure that's a wedding night tip because I mean the anxiety that can be there if you've saved sex for marriage and...
Corey Allan: There's a lot of pressure put on that event.
Pam Allan: Potentially you don't have the lubrication to make that flow as smooth as it could.
Corey Allan: So take your time, warm things up, relax, and also don't push pressure on yourself that you don't have to "consummate" the marriage on your wedding night. It can be the day after in the morning. There's lots of people, our friends I've heard, they were all the day after just because the whole day was too crazy with the wedding. Because it's a culmination of a lot. So talk your way through it. And if it does hurt, soon as you start to feel the pain, communicate that. Having withdraw a little, breathe through it and see. And then maybe you back up and take a little more time and you try again.
Pam Allan: Right. For sure start out the relationship talking about those things. Don't.
Corey Allan: All the way through it.
Pam Allan: Don't hide it. Don't hide it. Next question, is it possible to be sexually incompatible, even in a Christ-centered marriage?
Corey Allan: So this is something I think society throws out there a lot of, "Well, we're just incompatible." And so is it possible to be sexually incompatible? I'm going to say no because I believe in the higher desire, lower desire. And one of you is going to want something more than another. That's just the pressure of the marriage. That's the pressure of every relationship. Can we find somebody that's a little closer to my level of desire? Sure, we could. But what's the other factors involved too. What are the other aspects of them?
Because a lot of people I've come across where a woman is married a man because he's safe and he's stable, but there's not the chemistry there because she was always the bad boy kind of a guy. And this was a good guy. So she had to how to reframe some of that. We actually worked through that in sessions, but it's looking at it as does the penis fit in the vagina? There's compatibility. I mean, God kind of had a pretty cool idea in mind with how he created it. I mean, guy kind of had a pretty cool idea in mind with how he created it.
Pam Allan: Right. All right. Next question, it's important for my husband to slap my backside but I hate it. How do we compromise?
Corey Allan: The old butt slap. So again, in Sexy Marriage Radio world, we don't believe in compromise because most of the time that means each of you go home equally unhappy or it means one of your caves most of the time. True compromise comes when it's like, "Okay, hold on. I get it, and I'm not holding that against you even though I said so." I said, crosstalk.
So a compromise or a negotiation of this actually probably means, "Okay, so dude, what did you get out of that?" I've had to ask myself this because I do this to you all the time.
Pam Allan: And I hate it too.
Corey Allan: She absolutely hates it. So what's worked for us, for me. I'm not going to say us. You might on the air actually reveal you don't like this too.
Pam Allan: Yeah.
Corey Allan: But what I do more than a slap now is just the grab the feel as I walk passed.
Pam Allan: Yeah. I don't know if this lady's like me. I hate it because it jiggles. If I had a really firm backside, I'd say slap away. But I don't want the reminder that it's not firm back there.
Corey Allan: But it's still spectacular.
Pam Allan: All right. Next question, how do you get over the awkwardness of talking about sex or needs with your spouse?
Corey Allan: I don't know if you get over it. I think you go through it. Because talking about stuff and speaking up about things, it's just awkward. So a lot of times I would encourage people when you've got something you want to bring up in your married life or particularly in your sex life, there's so much more attached to it. Because if I bring up something of, "You know what I really need you to do during sex," he can hear that or she can hear that as, "What I'm doing is not good? You don't like it at all," because we overreact to these kinds of things.
So we go through the awkwardness by just saying... What helps me is I come up with my opening line of, "You know what, I need to bring this up to you, and I realize it might hurt. But this matters.
Pam Allan: Right. It's not intended to hurt it.
Corey Allan: Because it's typically we try to come through every permutation of, "Well, what do you want me to do instead?" And it's like, "I don't know, but I just got to point this out first." Because a lot of times it's like when we're lost, best thing I can do is acknowledge I'm lost and say, "Let's try stepping that way and see." And maybe that's wrong once I start going there. But we'll figure that out once we start that process too. Because this is a process of discovery when we're talking about our sex lives. Because once we get it figured out, one of us changes.
Pam Allan: And that's better than the awkwardness of sitting there and never bringing it up and you start getting frustrated by it.
Corey Allan: Because that's also felt in a marriage and that will reek all kinds of havoc.
Pam Allan: All right. Next question, is there any coming back from a spouse expressing they have no interest in sex? It's been four years.
Corey Allan: There can be. And a lot of times the thing that's going to make, and this is going to sound awkward possibly. The thing that there's most likely going to bring about a possibility of a coming back is a willingness to get out. A true willingness. If that's a priority of like, "You know what, I'm not going to live in a sexless marriage," then a true willingness to, "Okay, I get it. I'm going to give this some time to really see, and then it might be a deal breaker." Because we say this, but we often don't fully mean it because that's sophistication of married life.
I can tell you something I don't like and I can't tolerate, but you can read in that as, "You're just trying to get me to change you and not do anything about it," and not be wrong necessarily because, you know if I say it but I don't follow through with an action, my words mean nothing. It's a scary place to be. But it also is something that the pressure is already there. So confront what's present more and see what's going on and how he responds and then decide.
Pam Allan: Okay. So for those saving sex for marriage, how far is okay to go before marriage?
Corey Allan: Okay. This is that thing we talked about at the beginning of a moral compass. I frame this more in the sense of a relationship. What's your relationship like with your partner? What's your relationship like with yourself? What's your relationships like with your own integrity, with your own character? Because you can't escape those things in you.
So yes, I understand we get caught up in the heat of things. I do believe in grace, but how far is too far is up for each person to determine. I would look at it as what situations are you putting yourself in to make it where you even have to start to examine that? If it's a value of yours that you want to save yourself for marriage, be aware of your situations more.
This is what we tell our kids. I trust you and I trust the people within reason. I do not trust situations. And so if you put yourself in bad situations, then you really better have some good guardrails and boundaries in place because one of you is going to have to ultimately be the gatekeeper, if that's what you both want to do. So it comes down to what's your self-respecting moves and your moral compass moves, and are you in line with that?
Pam Allan: Right. All right. How does everyone else clean up after sex? Good question.
Corey Allan: Well, for those that don't take advantage of some sort of covering on their bed. Like we used to do Naked Bed was a sponsor of our show that had a sheet that had a membrane in it. It's very comfortable, but it made for all you got to do is throw that thing in the dishwasher.
Pam Allan: Not the dishwasher. The laundry-
Corey Allan: Washing machine would be a better place to do it. Most people have towels available, put them in the nightstand, have them nearby, pull it out when you're getting your notes, getting ready. Some people, a roll of paper towels, Kleenex boxes. Some people are okay with the mess. And it's just like, you could sleep on it tonight. I'll get tomorrow night or whatever way people want. But that's the politics of marriage, right? You can understand a lot about what goes on in marriage when you talk about navigating the politics of the wet spot because that's a whole lot of meaning attached to that.
So some people are very particular that in my experience that I've come across in their conversations, they really prefer it in the shower or in a places that's in the bathroom, in the tub or something because that makes it to clean up is just part of cleaning up. And it takes away some of the feel to it because sex is messy.
Pam Allan: It is.
Corey Allan: But beyond that, I would say let's pose this to the my.SMRnation.com too on the platform. Share ideas.
Pam Allan: Yeah. Jessica posed the question out there for us.
Corey Allan: She'll fire that up. And how do you clean up? There we go. We've got a wealth of information for people that are actually doing it.
Pam Allan: Perfect. Are there places outside the house or a hotel you can recommend for having sex with my hubby?
Corey Allan: The car, the park, the beach, his office, your office, the carpool line. Now-
Pam Allan: No, no.
Corey Allan: A little risky. No, I mean, this is just get creative and again, how do you term the word sex? Can you be sexual in a lot of areas with less risk? Yes. Because you don't have to actually get in position and worry about other people or what other people might be seeing. Can you touch? Can you flirt? Can you rub against each other? There's a lot of things you can do that is still sex.
Pam Allan: Right. All right. Taking pictures or video during sex, it feels like a third person is in the room. Am I wrong?
Corey Allan: Well, if someone's on the other side of the camera, yes, that would be you're not wrong. But now again, this just comes down to... And in the academy section of the platform of my.SMRnation.com, we have some members that have actually helped put together a guide to help protect content that you might want to do that uses technology because that is something to be worried about, at least be acknowledging.
But is it wrong? That's going to come down to your own comfort level of what is it that makes that wrong? What makes you feel guilty about that? What's the intent of it? What's the purpose of it? And confront that, and if both of you are onboard, roll tape.
Pam Allan: All right. Is the man's ejaculate safe to go in the woman's mouth?
Corey Allan: Medically speaking, yes. Absolutely. It actually has a source of protein. You probably didn't know that.
Pam Allan: I did not know that.
Corey Allan: It's not a whole lot of protein that it's packing, but-
Pam Allan: That's kind of funny.
Corey Allan: Medically speaking, there's nothing wrong with it.
Pam Allan: Okay. Are Christians allowed to have fetishes and kinks?
Corey Allan: I sure hope so because they do.
Pam Allan: Right, right.
Corey Allan: Well, yeah. I put this in under the category of fantasies also. I think everybody's got them and because one person's fetish is another person's normal in some regards. So absolutely.
Pam Allan: How do you prioritize sex even when you're busy? I'm good at making time for everything but...
Corey Allan: Well then this comes down to what are the strengths of you as a couple? Do you schedule things normally? Some couples get a tremendous amount of benefit of scheduling. Some of the most productive people in the world actually live by schedules. So why would we not put something that matters on it too?
Pam Allan: Yeah. A lot of people think that not being spontaneous is bad, but-
Corey Allan: Well, but this doesn't necessarily mean a couple calendar. You could put it on your own of like, and he or she doesn't even know of I'm coming after them tonight. That's going to be part of my schedule. So schedule out, send a suggestive note, send the innuendo, send the intent and see if that helps get things going.
Pam Allan: Gotcha.
Corey Allan: The other is what are some of the things that you do that help tap into that power of you throughout your day? Dress the way you feel confident and alive and vibrant and sexy even, and walk through life that way, especially-
Pam Allan: Take your mind there.
Corey Allan: Yeah, just kind of start the whole process. I mean, sex begins long before it actually begins. So make it a part of the dynamic and the dialogue between you. So we made it through a lot. And if we didn't get yours, apologies. But-
Pam Allan: We'll have another one.
Corey Allan: We will do this again. Absolutely.
Well, this was a fun little experiment. Trying a two for one, if you will. A rapid fire and then in the extended content, got the opportunity to go more in depth. And if you miss the extended content and put a little tease out there, we covered the idea of fantasies and threesomes. We covered the idea of pain during sex. We covered the idea of shame that centered around sex. And abuse, dealing with past abuse and how it can play out in your sex life, and it can be a trigger. Those are the kinds of things that we do on a lot of our episodes just because sadly sex in marriage and sex in life, in a fallen world, there's a lot of things we have to overcome and address again.
Pam Allan: True.
Corey Allan: But know that you're not alone. That if you've got a question, fire away and we can do this more of just how many questions can we answer in a show?
Pam Allan: There you go. We've got some here still to answer. So we'll have another one coming up in the future.
Corey Allan: And so the way we end every episode is if we left something undone that you want more of a answer then we gave, you got to let us know. This is a collaboration that goes on. You've got to speak up too. So 214-702-9565, firstname.lastname@example.org, Instagram, TikTok, my.SMRnation.com is free to join our platform, our own little social network where there's some more in-depth conversations going on as well.
So hey, tell your friends, spread the word. This is a great place to come, hang out and be a part of the nation. So wherever you are, whatever you've been doing, thanks for taking the time out today to spend it with us. We'll see you next time.
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