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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Self Exploration #501

On the Regular version of today’s show …

As we enter into 2021 – what are your 3 Words to help shape your year?

An email from a husband, on behalf of his wife, asking about how to venture into the world of self-exploration and sex toys. 

On the Xtended version …

Perhaps there is a better definition for intimacy. And this definition could change everything. 

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Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio,

Speaker 2: You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.

Corey Allan: Welcome to the first episode of Sexy Marriage Radio in 2021. Welcome to a brand new year. We made it.

Pam Allan: We're all breathing this sigh of relief and kind of excitement for what is the new year going to bring us now?

Corey Allan: It was quite the ride and hopefully with 2020 and all of the uncertainty, and unknowns and stressors, hopefully we all can look back as this new year rolls into whatever it's going to become, and look back and see, "Look at how we grew. Look at how we overcame challenges. Look at how the fact that there was a lot of things that went wrong," but we're still here. And maybe we're even better because of it. We learnt stuff, hindsight's 2020, right? So we learnt stuff after the fact, and so hopefully this starts to become clearer for you as you go through into 2021.
And we're glad that you're riding alongside with us again as we blaze into episode 501, which is awesome. If you missed last week's episode when we celebrated number 500, we're doing a little giveaway as part of it.

Pam Allan: We are.

Corey Allan: And if you are wanting to celebrate episode 500 and the fact that we are this far into the Sexy Marriage Radio world, we're giving away a registration to the Sexy Marriage Radio getaway, which is happening this summer, June 17th through the 20th, 2021 here in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. Registrations will officially open up in the next couple of weeks. We'll give you a lot more details and begin that whole process and hope that you can come join us for a fantastic four days.

Pam Allan: Right. But just a few more days to get your email in to try and get the free registration.

Corey Allan: Correct. If you want free registration, one entry per household, that was one question we did not answer, emails on that.

Pam Allan: Yeah, you can't apply a hundred times.

Corey Allan: But you're going to send an email, In the subject line just put episode 500, and then in the body of the email, just put what would you hope to get out of the getaway out of four days away with your spouse and a bunch of other fabulous couples. And of course, Pam and I, we'll throw ourselves in there too.
So this is Sexy Marriage Radio, where we love the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation because you help drive this ship and decide where we're going. And the way you do so is you call in and you email. You can call in at 214-702-9565, and you can email us, with your questions, your thoughts, because what we're hoping to do is make your marriage all the better, your sex life, all the hotter. And for those of you that are believers like us, we want to set Christians free sexually. So let's tackle some of the things that are out there that maybe we've believed for far too long, and they're holding us back.
Well, coming up on today's regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio is we've got a topic we're going to cover, we do this at the first of every year, in one of your emails that's come in from the nation. And then on the extended content today, which is deeper longer, and there are no ads, you can subscribe by going to
Pam, you and I are going to have a conversation about maybe we need to have a better definition of intimacy. And then I also want to throw down a challenge as we start out this year.

Pam Allan: Okay. All right. I'm looking forward to it.

Corey Allan: All that's coming up on today's show. So Pam, this is something as we start off this new year, 2021, traditionally speaking, this is a time where a lot of people make resolutions. It's kind of the historical context of this whole thing of-

Pam Allan: New beginnings.

Corey Allan: ... January 1st, I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to work out. We all make these goals and these plans. And then the joke on it is by January 3rd, you're done and you've already given up. "No more chocolate," and by the time I've said that I've had it, whatever it might be.
Years ago, I think this was around 2015, is when I came across another blogger, who's also a podcaster YouTuber named Chris Brogan, a guy that's out there helping owners, largely small business entrepreneurs, solopreneur, but even larger businesses, helping them just be better at marketing and running a business and a plan and just strategizing.
And one of the things he's done, and he's done this for a long time, but I found him around 2015 is he does three words, is the way he frames this conversation. And so rather than it being a resolution of something that you are committing to, "I'm going to accomplish this, or this is my one goal," he is proposing you come up with three words that help set your course. And so we've done this the last couple of years. And then last year, I think if I'm remembering right, starting last year, our kids joined in with us.

Pam Allan: Yeah, they did.

Corey Allan: And we all come up with three words.

Pam Allan: Some years I've done one or two.

Corey Allan: That's true. So there are some variations on this. The counsel that Chris gives is you don't want it to be a phrase because some people can make it to where it's three words that make a phrase, but it's three individual meaningful, purposeful words.
He did also mention he had one year where he did four and it wasn't as a productive of a year for him. It almost-

Pam Allan: Like it's too much.

Corey Allan: ... spread him too much. And the beautiful thing and the power of the three words to me is it helps me streamline and focus all areas of my life because they work in personal and professional, spiritual, relational. I mean, there's a lot of components. And when I look back over the years of my words, there's been a few that have just really stood out.
One was streamline, that was a couple of years back, where I just all of a sudden got rid of a whole bunch of clutter and a whole bunch of digital clutter. And I took some of the different things that we were doing or thinking about doing. I have a history, you can confirm this, of some really great ideas, then I get spread too thin, or it's really not enough to keep me all the way through to the end of that idea. So it Peters out. And so streamline helped me take all of those things and either drop them or combine them into something that's even better.

Pam Allan: Right. To get some mental and physical clutter for you.

Corey Allan: Right. And it also made it to where two years ago, I had a devoted emphasis on, "I'm going to focus on what I, and we as a show do well," and that's all I'm doing. So nothing new was created, we just got better at what we were already doing. And so that was a great one.
This past year for me, one of my big words that really stood out to me was embrace, because I'm married to, shocker, someone that's a whole lot more adventurous in a lot of different areas than I am. And my history would be when you present me with something, "Hey, let's go do this." My immediate knee jerk reaction is no, I just shoot it right down. No rationale, no reasoning. I just shoot it down.

Pam Allan: So if you shoot something down now, I can just say, embrace?

Corey Allan: No, that was last year. This is over. So you missed that window baby. But no, this was-

Pam Allan: I'm still using it.

Corey Allan: You have my permission, absolutely. But this is one of those that it helps me start to look at, "Okay, wait, what's my rationale behind these? Maybe I need to embrace the opportunities that life affords, that marriage affords, that relationship affords, and I just start saying yes more." And so that was a great challenge for me. And I actually got that from one of my guys in my mastermind groups. He was the one that, a year ago, that was one of his words. And I'm like, "Dude, I'm totally stealing that one."

Pam Allan: Iron sharpens iron. There's nothing wrong with stealing something if it rings true to you and it means something.

Corey Allan: Absolutely. That's absolutely true because we are not in this alone. And a quick little segue, promo, if you're interested in the mastermind group and you're listening right now at the first part of January, we're forming groups right now. So send me an email to let me know you're interested and we'll tell you the next steps to join.
So this year we've got three words. You have three this time?

Pam Allan: I do have three this time.

Corey Allan: You want to lead us off and we can kind of unpack it, that way people can get an idea of what we're talking about, what this means?

Pam Allan: Sure. Well, as iron sharpens iron, I actually use that word embrace. That's one of mine this year. Mine's not so much the same meaning behind yours. Mine's, embrace for me is, I'm always looking at what's next or trying to look at the future and skipping over today. And so I just want to embrace today and find the joy in today and not be planning for tomorrow.

Corey Allan: That's a good one.

Pam Allan: It's important to plan for tomorrow, but I just want to embrace today. My second one is pray.

Corey Allan: Great one.

Pam Allan: That kind of speaks for itself. The third one is one that you and I both have this year, and that is curious. Well, do you want me to dive into the details? Do you want me to dive in to [crosstalk 00:09:52].

Corey Allan: Feel free, I'll fill in the holes that maybe need to be felt in, if there are any.

Pam Allan: Maybe, it sounds a little crazy, but we actually got this one from watching Ted Lasso.

Corey Allan: Well, to sound a little better. It's a Walt Whitman quote.

Pam Allan: It's Walt Whitman. But that's where we heard it from. I didn't know it.

Corey Allan: By way of ted Lasso, that's how we introduced to it.

Pam Allan: Be curious, not judgemental. And it's this way of just changing the perspective when I'm around someone and maybe I find myself judging or there's a situation presented to me and I don't get it. And maybe I would default to judging or being more of a negative mindset, this is, be curious about it. What is going on with this person? What is going on with this situation? And to me, this is how I read it. You may read it a little differently, but how I want to look at it is to have a perspective shift in what goes on in my own mental thought, because I think that affects so much else of what comes out of my mouth than what's on my face when I respond to people. So curious is that.

Corey Allan: Those are good words. I'll lead off with mine. And my first one is curious, so it's the same kind of thing. And I love the premise that I took from that whole quote, and then how Ted Lasso uses it throughout the movie, particularly in Season 8.

Pam Allan: The series.

Corey Allan: Yeah, that's right. The TV series on Apple TV, is, ask a lot of questions, that I want to approach things where I'm asking questions, that I'm coming in... Obviously professionally, that's kind of what I will do. That's kind of the bent of a therapist, is you want to ask the questions and help lead, pace, guide and offer the different things we do professionally. But personally and then the other areas of my life professional, I just want to ask a lot of questions. I want to let other people be the star of life and of our relationship and of our interactions, and just kind of let them have the floor. By asking questions, you can learn so much.
My second is a follow-up to that, which is listen, because I've started to recognize, and this one was really confirmed over the last couple of weeks of 2020, that I started to recognize I'm formulating answers far too fast and I'm not listening when it comes to some of our personal relationships that we'll have, or I have tuned people out. I've always had this thread, if I looked back through all of my words, I've usually had this thread of quiet or still. And so kind of using that in that same mindset of I want to be more contemplative, I want to be more engaged, but not so quick to speak. I'm starting to recognize as I'm formulating some of the stuff that we're going to be doing at the getaway and for some future courses that are coming soon in this year, that SMR is going to be producing, I've started formulating and realizing listening is a hard skill to really do well.
As married people, because I know so much about you, I can try to jump in and finish your sentences, which sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong, but the whole premise of me doing that is off base.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Right?

Pam Allan: We want to be heard.

Corey Allan: Yes. And I've noticed as a family, we do this a lot where we step on each other when we're talking or talking with one of the kids and I jump in while you're already talking. And so I just want to listen. So it's kind of trying to slow me down.
And then the third one is map. This one has a lot of different meanings to me. One is the professional side of it with the mind mapping and the training and the different things I've been doing in the last four years with Dr. Snash. And it's talking about the interweavings and the inner workings of how to get the brain operating optimally.
But then there's the other component of creating a map for the year, creating a map for us, creating a map for our family, kind of working towards the future, which is kind of opposite of what one of your words is, but it's just-

Pam Allan: It's still plan. Just embrace today.

Corey Allan: ... trying to be real strategic in the map of what's to come and where we're going and trying to lead and set tones well for that. And so that's the beauty of the three words to us is because the words are usually multiple meanings within there. So you're not necessarily hamstrung on one way with that word. It means a whole lot more. And so the whole point would be join us in 2021 here in January, come up with your three words. And if you want to share them, send them to us. If you're a members of the Academy, jump on Slack and share them.

Pam Allan: Yeah, post them.

Corey Allan: If you're not, join the Academy and share there, or send us an email feedback@sexy and share what words stand out to you. Because every guy in the mastermind group that does this with me, I've got enough data now usually by six months into the year, but for sure, towards the end of the year, they notice differences, these words start to really resonate. And what I think happens then is the words you had the prior year start to help resonate into the following year, which then the words you come up with that one usually continue a path, help tweak it slightly.

Pam Allan: They're building on each that.

Corey Allan: And it all helps us propel forward into what is to come. And that's what we really want to have happen.
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So this is an email that came in Pam regarding episode 494, which was the follow up one I did with Dr. Laurie Mintz. It was entitled Don't be Ilcliterate. Because she has the book Becoming Cliterate and is really doing some great work on helping just dispel some myths, talk about the orgasm gap and just empower people.
And so this is from a husband that says, "I've been listening to you for a few months now, and I've loved your content. I've gotten my wife to agree to listen to you guys weekly, and I was so excited to sit down and listen to all the content with my wife." This was just her second one that she had listened to and it was great. My wife is a pastor and the topic of sex and exploring her sexuality has always been a struggle for her. Topics of a vibrator and masturbation we both thought were great. My wife and I we're finally able to talk about this. And she realized that she needs to explore herself so that she can unlock some of her desires, which is fantastic, I mean that's kind of what we're trying to do, is help frame conversations and paths for people.
So here's some comments that came from his wife that he wanted to pass along as she's not as familiar with the show and at advertisements from in the past that we've had. So first off these topics are tough for her as she's dealing with guilt and shame, and masturbation feels dirty for her. Myself being a pastor's kid I totally understand these feelings. So I was excited just to get her to open up and to be vulnerable. Her biggest concern is what are the next steps if I wanted to find a vibrator. And honestly, probably a little help on how to start the exploration of herself. She's very hesitant to just Google something because she's not sure what will pop out, which is a valid concern or hesitation.
So I was able to inform her about Covenant Spice which is a long-term sponsor we used to have way back in the archives. So we were able to use this resource thanks to previous shows. I just thought I'd pass along her comments because I'm just so grateful for how much you've changed my outlook on sex and how I am as a husband. Keep up the great work and I look forward to listening to you more with my wife instead of just by myself. Which I love that when somebody starts by themselves and then their spouse joins, and the conversation and the dialogue that's can ensue from that.
There's a couple different things that jump out to me with this, Pam, one is, and I don't know how much we need to spend on this first one to me, but the two segments that I'm thinking of with this are, one is the subjects, masturbation and toys, specifically a vibrator. And then the second is how do you start down that path? Are you hearing anything different on that?

Pam Allan: No.

Corey Allan: Okay. So the subject, this is what I don't want to spend a whole lot of time on because I think we've kind of touched on it and the fact that they're having conversations about it and she's even got this different approach of maybe I should questions, which shoulding on yourself in this way can be a good way to do it.

Pam Allan: It's a good way.

Corey Allan: That's the process, is this is something that these are little steps that we take when we start to explore some of these areas that we've typically been shut down averse to, or whatever anxiety laden.

Pam Allan: So you're diving straight into how to start the exploration.

Corey Allan: That's where I want to go to, but I want to confirm the fact that just the willingness to talk about it, do some self reflection, even have the courage to ask yourself the question of why does this feel dirty to me? Where is that script coming from? Where is this meaning coming from? I had a colleague conversation today about this very subject with some clients he was working with. And he was asking, "How do you get people to start to explore this?" And I'm like, "The fact that they're asking those questions is them exploring it." That's it.

Pam Allan: They've already crossed step one.

Corey Allan: That's the ballgame, if you will.

Pam Allan: Okay. But I think it's still hard to take that step number two.

Corey Allan: Absolutely. Because then you get into, "Okay, now what do I do with this?" And one is, how do you just find good information about if I wanted to actually start to explore the world of sex toys and vibrators, where do I even begin? Covenant Spice is a great one. There's some other ones, even you can just type in "Christian sex toys" and especially, this is one of the tricks of Google, put all of that in quotes. And when you do that, when you quote both of all three of those words, it will put all of those together, not just pull out random sex.

Pam Allan: Okay. That's excellent for people to know on just Google search because that's at least you're minimizing what's going to come up.

Corey Allan: Right. Because you're then getting results that are much more target specific rather than the three words or whatever combination of words you're using it pulling just from one.

Pam Allan: But my thought, and maybe I'm understanding this question differently than you and who knows which one is right, how to start the exploration, I don't think it's just exploration of how to find a sex toy, I think it's how do I start? Where do I touch myself? What do I do to get my brain there and to move on and to figure out what it is I like. That's how I'm hearing the question.

Corey Allan: That's a perfectly valid route that I probably just jumped right past because I went to the, where do I even start to find a toy? I get you.

Pam Allan: I mean, he's got the one idea there and probably your answer there is right, but I think the deeper piece is going even farther, "If I've never masturbated, what do I do? What do you do to get yourself there? How do you figure out what it is you like and what your body likes?"

Corey Allan: Okay. All right. Let's do this two ways then, babe, let's start with just the mental side of this thing, and then we'll move into the actual physical and emotional side of this thing. So the mental side of this, one of the things you could do, and this is male, female alike, sit down with a piece of paper, grab a pen and write, my sexuality. And just start seeing where that might go. What does that even mean to you? It's free association, it's bad, it's good, whatever, just start writing it all out because there's something cathartic and freeing a lot of times, if I will get those suckers out of my head and out onto paper, or verbally.

Pam Allan: I would hope that you would see when you're writing that too, start writing the things, "What is it that I do like," and then your mind starts going down that path of, "Oh, you know what? I really do like this and I really do like that. Maybe I'm more sexual than I thought I was."

Corey Allan: Totally. Because this is no judgment at all though, is the point of just to start with, it's just let it go where it goes and then start to get into, "Okay, no wonder I have such a hard time. "Look at that, three quarters of that thing is all negative. Is that really what this is? No." And then not get a chance to really start to confront some stuff because we often put too many guardrails in... Well, let me rephrase that. We put our guard rails around our sexuality more far too narrow a lot of times that I don't allow the fantasy thought process and I don't allow the role play. And just some of the politically incorrect things that can go on in all of our thought processes, I just don't even allow it rather than, "Hold on, what could that even be pointing towards? Is it that bad? Start doing some of these things to just warm myself up.
So you do these kinds of thoughts or these processes that you could even talk about it. That's where this husband and wife, maybe that's a great, just her even saying, "You know what? This has always felt dirty." Just vocalizing that is a great brain process because your brain hears it differently than wherever, it's registered deeper. So that's the start, is just this dialogue with yourself, with someone else, however it may go.
Then you start moving into, "Okay, what if I did treat this part of myself with more honor and more reverence and more sacredness and more tenderness and more romance?" What are some of the things that help you calm down? What are the things that relax you? That's the proverbial Madison Avenue commercialization of, "Calgon, take me away." There's a relaxation component to this.
Well, there's for a lot of people, particularly women, relaxing into it is a process when you're getting into your sexuality. So how do you treat yourself to a relaxing moment? Tell him if you've got kids involved, tell him you got him tonight. I'm doing some exploring.

Pam Allan: Well, and I think too... My thought is, if I'm someone who has not gone down this path before, and I'm not comfortable, I would be more comfortable not diving into this alone. Masturbation is by yourself, but there can be the mutual.

Corey Allan: Absolutely.

Pam Allan: Mutual masturbation. And I think that even starting this off kind of with the spouse and his hand is on yours and you're following him, I think that is a way to explore what is it that I like.

Corey Allan: We talked about that a bunch as a way of moving into a deeper connection with each other and yourself. Absolutely.

Pam Allan: Right? So if that's something that you're like, "I just don't even know how to get this started. Maybe it's actually starting together. Maybe it's-

Corey Allan: I think you can also... You almost jumped the gun like I did with the Googling of, I'm thinking of it in terms of how do you start to just learn to get in touch with your body, then it can teeter towards the sexual, but it's really just getting more aware of all of my senses.

Pam Allan: Good point.

Corey Allan: What is it about the warm water if I'm in a bath or a shower? What is it about... Because that's the gateway into, "Okay, now I can follow that, and now I can get more in touch with that sensation and that feeling and that warmth and that releasing of something." Now all of a sudden, I've got such a much more reliable path towards... Now my hands can start to explore. Now I can really figure out what feels like what and start to just teach myself, what do I really like? What is stuff or they feel like?" Teach someone else how to go along simultaneously, whichever route is more comfortable to each person, recognizing full on comfort is not the goal. Because a lot of times, if you're trying to stretch into something like this, you're moving just out of your comfort zone enough to really explore it. That's where novelty comes in.

Pam Allan: Yeah. It's what kind of makes it kind of exciting.

Corey Allan: That's the ultimate hope. So it's a process and again, suspend judgment. You can't do this wrong.

Pam Allan: Exactly, don't judge yourself.

Corey Allan: This is like... What do they use to talk about? Sex is a whole lot like golf. You don't have to score real well for it to be an enjoyable experience.

Pam Allan: Right. Exactly.

Corey Allan: So as we head out of this episode today, I'm curious, Pam, this is a little bit of a tease for everybody that missed the extended content. But how hard do you think the challenge is going to be for people?

Pam Allan: Well, some people quite hard. I have a hard time with it. So I know that personally speaking, I'm going to have to catch myself for sure.

Corey Allan: Well, not sure what we're talking about because you missed the extended content. Jump in Well, this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. Let us know what your three words are, If you want to join us there, if you want to come to the getaway and it's not too late because the challenge is still going on and we're giving away a registration, send us an email
But again, thank you so much for spending a little bit of time each and every week with us. We hope to see you again next time.