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Being Sexy and Connecting Revisited #601
On the Regular version of today’s show …
Today we go into the vault.
A caller wants to know if you have to believe you’re sexy in order to actually be sexy.
Another caller wants to know how to connect better with his wife, when up to now it’s been difficult due to her being the lower desire for connection and sex.
On the Xtended version …
What are the ways we could ruin sex this Holiday Season? We’ve got a list.
Enjoy the show!
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Announcer: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, passionatelymarried.net.
Corey Allan: Well, welcome to the show. I'm Dr. Corey Allan, alongside my wife.
Pam Allan: Love being here every day.
Corey Allan: Each and every week we jump behind the microphones to try to help address what most every relationship will face at some point in their relationship. Maybe you're in it right now. Maybe you just came out of something. Maybe with the holiday seasons coming up you're going into something where, there's just tension and struggle. You're trying to figure out how to connect. But we want to explore topics that every couple faces, and then offer a framework and advice that you can build a deeper understanding of how relationships work, because we're trying to help everybody feel more alive and be more passionately married.
So if you're new to the show, check out the starter packs. These are a collection of the favorite shows or the most popular shows arranged by topic. Go to passionatelymarried.net/starter and if you got some feedback for us, we've missed something, you want us to address something specifically, because we do feedback episodes, let us know, 214-702-9565 or as always for over 11 years now, email@example.com is the email address to get ahold of us. And I also, at the beginning of the show today as we're in the holiday season, it's kind of a contemplative time for some people. Winding down a year, 2022 going away, 2023 around the corner, which is crazy how fast time flies.
Pam Allan: Even our 15 year old now is talking about how fast time goes by.
Corey Allan: Exactly. Well, there's some big changes coming to the nation and to what we're doing in the platform and everything. And so there's two things. One, if you're a member of the my.passionatelymarried.net platform, December 8th, Mighty Networks who runs, that our platform is run off of and it's doing some big updates and there's a message out there on the platform that gives you everything that you need to know. It's just a way to organize it, a way to find things different as a listener and a member that's free or paid level in there. You don't have to do anything. It's just going to automatically shift and it'll be an easier way for us to organize and find content and connect and collaborate with people there. And the second thing is, in 2023, there's some other updates coming to Sexy Marriage Radio and to SMR Nation and-
Pam Allan: We're excited about them.
Corey Allan: We're very excited about what's coming. We're not quite ready to let the cat out of the bag of everything it will be. More information will be coming, but just letting you know January 2nd, all that rolls out and lots more information happening between now and then. Well coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio, since it's the holiday season, one of the things we will occasionally do is revisit shows from the past. And so this is a revisit from the vault and we're covering some topics on how do you remain sexy and feel connected. What does it mean to be sexy? What does it mean to connect particularly in the holiday season?
And so a couple of questions that came in that we covered were, do you have to believe you're sexy before you can be sexy? And then how do you connect better with your spouse? Because I think that's what we're all after in a lot of ways. It's just how do I connect? How do I really feel like there's a connection going on? And then the extended content, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads, you can subscribe at passionatelymarried.net/smracademy. Pam and I discuss several of the ways that you can ruin your sex life this holiday season. So it's just helpful information going in-
Pam Allan: It's so easy to do. It is so easy to ruin something.
Corey Allan: So we want to help you out so that you don't ruin it this holiday season. All that's coming up on today's show.
Speaker 3: Hey Corey and Pam. Given that this is Sexy Marriage Radio, I've been thinking through what it means to be sexy. Some of us may have grown up with possibly a negative message around looking, acting, or feeling even sexy. And how we communicate to our partners that they are indeed sexy. It seems to me like sometimes we need permission to step into this whole sexy thing because we've been told we're not allowed to do this. I'd be interested in your take on this as well as whether or not you think it's important for us to believe that we are sexy before we can actually get on our sexy. Thanks.
Corey Allan: So to answer the last question first, yes. I think you have to believe you're sexy to help get on your sexy.
Pam Allan: Is that something you think you can fake it till you make it?
Corey Allan: Absolutely. I think that there's an element of that that would be fake, but this is the trick that I've come across from just the people we hear with the show, clients I've worked with, friends we've had conversations, and even our own journey, there seems to be this area of I fake it till I make it as a percentage of myself that's fake, but the rest of it is pretty authentic. Because if I get too far beyond myself the person I'm faking it for sees it and they know it's fake. So it's not like I can set up this scenario of I'm heading to a club and I'm going to pick somebody up, but while I'm, as I change and challenge my persona and fake it, I become James Bond and I walk in and order the martini, just all of that. If they know me, they know that's not you. What's going on?
Pam Allan: Well, I'm not talking about being someone you're not. It's just that sometimes if you're not in a spot for something, you have to tell yourself you are. Right.
Corey Allan: Yes.
Pam Allan: And so it's more of my comment of fake it till you make it is more of a self-talk. Even it comes into other scenarios. If you have to do public speaking or something like that and you're not confident, you just have to figure out a way to get up there and do it or if you're not, maybe you're in a really down spot and you got to go in somewhere and make a presentation at work and they can't know that you're just really sad or depressed that day so you've got to fake it till you make it. So I guess it's just kind of that pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and realizing there is something about me. I don't feel sexy right now, but this is where I need to be to get me in a mental state to be there.
Corey Allan: Right. Well, and if nothing else, if you move half a step closer to feeling sexy, you're sexier.
Pam Allan: You're sexier than you were before. That's right.
Corey Allan: So it's a continuum and a progress that when you have movement going that way, that's an improvement. But you touched on a good word there, Pam, that a lot of what I define as sexiness really can be defined as confidence.
Pam Allan: I would agree with that.
Corey Allan: It's confidence in yourself. It's confidence in your ability. It's confidence in your looks. It's confidence in your persona of just who you are. And I sum a lot of this up with some of the men I work with that I know who I am and I know who I'm not. And both of those components are vital to understanding that.
Pam Allan: It is. I see it partially as well as a glass half full rather than a glass half empty. You're more attractive, you're more sexy if you're looking at things from the positive side than from the negative side.
Corey Allan: Right. But it is interesting because the second, the first part of his question that he asked of growing up in an area where maybe it was taught you're not allowed to be sexy or you shouldn't be. That is interesting because there's a lot of shame that comes around our sexuality, which can squash sexiness at least on our feeling of sexy.
Pam Allan: Sure. The meaning we might put behind it.
Corey Allan: Right. Because it's that idea of what if I can't carry myself in that way because that feels too taboo or too prostitute-ish or too gigolo-ish or just there's a swankiness to it that, oh, it makes you just feel uncomfortable when other people could be going, "No, that's just looking good."
Pam Allan: Okay.
Corey Allan: Right. So I think there is an element of here at Sexy Marriage Radio with Pam as my wife and the co-host right now it's one of those recognizing we are huge proponents for the Sexy Marriage Nation of what happens in a marriage is between the two people. And we're not the value police of no that this is accessible, this is acceptable. Nope. Now you can't. It's just, there's some things that will destroy a relationship. But a lot of what we're talking about with this concept of just trying to exude your sexiness and how you flaunt yourself for your spouse, that's a good thing. That's an enticing thing. I think if you're out there trying to flaunt everything else but your spouse, well your sexual energy is leaking all over the place then.
And that causes problems and jealousy and issues because the world will respond to sexiness because the old adage is sex sells and it's everywhere you see. But there's just something about how do you view yourself? How do you conduct yourself that you utilize that well in marriage? And I think that that should be allowed and permissible, if you will, because I think that adds an extra flavor and spice and passion to the marriage relationship. And it's not always easy, but I think it is something we grow into. Tis the season for a clean groin.
Pam Allan: Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
Corey Allan: Well, our friends at Manscaped are helping clean your driveway. For safe travels this holiday season from stocking stuffers to white elephants, Manscape's products are at the top of every wishlist or they should be. So grab some crop mops for your pops or a body buffer for the holiday lover and you can also win this year's holiday wide elephant gift with all the men in your life. So this December, go to manscaped.com using our code SMR and get 20% off plus free shipping. Manscaped is a one stop shop for all your holiday needs and they make the perfect gift which is one of the premium ones we've talked about, even the high schoolers that come around our home with our son talk about we are advocates for the Platinum Package 4.0 offered by Manscaped to help just trim things up and feel neat and tidy. What better holiday gift than the giving the gift of good hygiene and even a few laughs because let's face it, Manscaped, they're fun and playful with the way they go about their campaigns.
Pam Allan: They are. They are.
Corey Allan: So they offer a handful of liquid formulations from shampoos to body washes to upstairs and downstairs, deodorant, gels, exfoliants, absolutely everything you would need to keep everything clean. So let's say your dad has some nasty nose hairs. Well the Weed Whacker nose and ear and hair trimmer, can't do without it. So go to Manscaped this holiday season, get 20% off and free shipping with our code SMR at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscape.com when you use our code SMR, Manscaped, it's a perfect gift that will be the holiday's biggest hit. Today's episode's also sponsored by one of my favorites, True Classic Tees. The holidays are here and there's plenty of t-shirt cheer thanks to our sponsor at True Classic. Ladies, maybe you don't know what to give the men in your life. Well try giving them the best fitting basic tee out there. Our friends at True Classic are on a mission to maximize men's confidence by elevating their style. And trust me when I say this gift will make your man look spicy. Am I wrong, Pam?
Pam Allan: No, they look really nice.
Corey Allan: A gift for him. But let's face it ladies, it's really a gift for you because you get some more eye candy this holiday season. We've all seen it. The men in your life wear the same ratty t-shirts for years. Micro holes, faded color, it can be a little bit embarrassing. And fellas, let's face it, you know it's embarrassing even if it's the tried and true, as Jerry Seinfeld would say, and I'm dating myself here, it's old blue.
Pam Allan: Right.
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You can bundle them together and totally revolutionize your wardrobe this holiday season. Get 25% off at trueclassictees.com/smr. Free shippings included on every purchase over $100. Santa won't be the only one saying thanks to True classic this holiday season. So it's a holiday season here at Sexy Marriage Radio and another one of our sponsors for today's episode is our friends at the Connection Cards from The Adventure Challenge. It can be a game changer for relationships and it's a way to give a gift for your relationship this holiday season. Let's say this plays out in your life. You're trying to figure out how do we connect better? How do we move beyond the, how was your day? How'd everything go? What's going on with the kids' schedules? What you got going on this week? And you go to something deeper. Well, our friends at The Adventure Challenge have come up with the Connection Cards with questions like...
Pam Allan: What will others remember about us as a couple?
Corey Allan: That's a great question.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: Absolutely.
Pam Allan: I walk in the door and you ask me that question, oh, I'm kind of caught off guard. They're fun. So there's some deep questions like that. There's also just kind of fun, playful. This one I love. If I had an online dating profile, what do you think my bio would say?
Corey Allan: Ooh.
Pam Allan: Okay, how fun is that?
Corey Allan: I have a few ideas, but that's probably not appropriate for radio here. So the Connection Cards can be a game changer. They have two different decks for you to choose from. The Couples edition and the in bed edition. And this is the way it can even play out for Pam and I. We could be heading towards the in bed world and it's like we're just having trouble getting our mind there. Well these cards can help you get there. Read through a couple of cards, start the conversation and ramp up every aspect of your life. There are 50 unique questions in each of the decks and there are prompts that help to inspire out of the box conversations to enhance your sex life with your spouse. Take turns picking a card, asking the questions, answering them, and see where that takes you. So order yours today at theadventurechallenge.com and get 20% off your entire order when you use our special code SMR20. The Adventure Challenge leads towards better questions for better dates and explore outside of your conversation habits. That's 20% off your entire order when you use our code SMR20 at the theadventurechallenge.com.
Speaker 5: Hey Corey, longtime listener, first time caller. Thanks for everything you and your wife Pam are doing. My question is about connecting with my wife. A lot of times before sex she's like, "Oh, I'm just having a hard time getting into it because we're just not connecting. I don't feel connected to you." I was a product of a divorced home growing up, so I don't really know what connecting looks like. But in the multiple books that I've read it says they repeatedly say, oh, connecting with your wife is really important, and your wife needs connection. And so I'm just looking for what does that practically look like? I've heard the whole women are crock pots, men are microwaves saying, but what does connecting look like? Thanks.
Corey Allan: This is an interesting one because the word can mean so many different things.
Pam Allan: It can. My initial response when I heard this was to say to Corey, sometimes I can't really pinpoint what connection is, but I can tell you I know when we're not connected.
Corey Allan: Okay.
Pam Allan: But I know the opposite. I know that the tense feeling that might be in the house or my reactions to Corey or Corey's reactions to me are just maybe short. There's something that's there and I typically have a hard time pinpointing what it is. But what that does is draw me to the question to Corey to say, "Okay, something's not right here. What is it? What's going on between us." Or, "Corey, is there something bothering you because I'm getting something back, I'm getting a vibe back that just something is off kilter here." And so I know that that's when that is and typically what initiates a connection for us to come back and get rid of that tension is that question being posed. Whether it's Corey asking me because he's feeling some sort of, I don't know, odd tension or disconnect or it's me feeling it. One of us posed that question of what's going on here? There's something that's off.
Corey Allan: What's up between us? Yeah.
Pam Allan: And then the dialogue opens and maybe we don't figure it out right away. Maybe I have an idea of what it is and I point out and say, "Hey, XYZ happened earlier today. Is that an issue? Is that bothering you?"
Corey Allan: Right. No, I like that because I think even it sounds kind of counterintuitive at times, but if you don't know what you're looking for, you're still helping get better at finding what you're looking for. If you know what it's not then you're getting closer to finding out what it is. So the opposite can ring true as well because with each couple it's going to be different because some people, I mean what comes to my mind, let me answer it this way, what comes to my mind. If you're talking about connecting, you've got different facets or areas to focus on. One is time. Do you spend time together? Do you spend time that's specific for each other and specific for the family or specific for a task? Because you can break it all down into all these different quadrants even with time because not every couple has the availability to be able to sit and have deep, long drawn out conversations a lot.
But you can have them every so often and that can then spill over and you get the glow that lasts until the next time you get to do it. But the little not as deep drawn out ones could help set up and build off of the ones that are on both sides of it. So it's time is an important one. Conversation is an important one. Just flat out communicating, just having the check-ins through the day, the conversations about what's going on with each other, how the day went. What are your fears about today and what are you looking forward to about tomorrow or what was great today?
Pam Allan: Yeah, I guess some of it is you could have spent a whole week and you had some conversations but they were a hundred percent surface and so there is no real, he doesn't really even get what I went through this week.
Corey Allan: Right. And sometimes that can be because one of you just hasn't asked. Because it is interesting, because we usually go about things in the way we would do them. So if I am one that's the quick over sharer, which is true of our relationship between Pam and I, then I will have a lot of times where I will sit back expecting her to lead the charge because that's what I would do on an area when it doesn't work out that way. She has a wiring, I have a wiring and so I need to be a better student of her and realize I can't just rely on her to do it the way I would. I have to be looking for how would she do it?
Because there are many times in relationships where what I'm looking for may actually be there. I'm just looking for it in the way I would do it. Like he might be looking for connecting in the way he thinks because his question of I'm from a divorced family so I don't really know what connecting is. I'm not going to buy that completely because you've connected with people throughout your life, coworkers, friendships, other family members, mom, dad, steps, they're all levels of connection. And obviously there's a different type of connection when you're trying to have a deeper one that leads to sex and includes sex.
Pam Allan: Sure. Maybe had a very poor marital example.
Corey Allan: Exactly. I could buy that.
Pam Allan: There are certainly other relationships throughout life that can give you that example of connection.
Corey Allan: But we all have and understand how to connect with people because we all can go into a restaurant and when the waiter walks up to us, we don't just stare at them expecting us to know our order. We speak up and say, I would like this. And they go get it for us. Because that's how the connection works.
Pam Allan: Okay.
Corey Allan: So...
Pam Allan: In that relationship, yes.
Corey Allan: Absolutely. That's how it works in that relationship. And then another area to look at or quadrant is touch. Some people like touch as a means of feeling connected to somebody else. Holding hands, arm on the shoulder, arm on a leg, on a knee, hugs, kisses.
Pam Allan: And some people don't like touch at all.
Corey Allan: Absolutely. But it's being a student of recognizing, okay, I feel I want to feel connected to you and the way I feel connected is by hugging, so therefore you will hug me so I feel connected to you. Doesn't always work that way.
Pam Allan: Okay, so what does his wife think is a connection, if it's a touch at all, what sort of touch does she like?
Corey Allan: And that's just try to be a student of the relationship. What's worked? What's the tendency to where you can look at the times where you have felt really connected or have semblances of it? What was going on then? What surrounded that and all else fails, ask her, what does that look like for you? Because here's what a lot of us do that are men and are not always crock pots or don't always live in the crock pot position because we're with somebody that is more like a crock pot, ie our wife. We oftentimes can start looking at, I need to up the level of connection because I'm looking for the ultimate naked connection today.
When I need to start looking at this as wait a crock pot can stay in that keep warm category all the time. So how do I keep it going when there's not the possibility of sex that night, but there could be two nights from now or three nights from now. That's where we've landed with Sexy Marriage Radio lately on looking at marriage and sex within marriage as a long game, that how do I keep it percolating of, I want to keep a constant connection that has a sexual undertone to it at times that doesn't even have a sexual connection to it at times. But I want to keep a connection because I have a spouse and that's important.
Pam Allan: To me that's just more of a playful, joyful connection that's extended. It's saying that you're important to me outside of this sexual actual act. It's-
Corey Allan: Outside of and within it.
Pam Allan: Yeah.
Corey Allan: It's both because it's both end.
Pam Allan: Okay.
Corey Allan: But you keep the importance of how do I maintain contact, how do I maintain this presence? And that's the last one I think of. Is its just presence. It's just being present. How many times can you go, let me ask you this, I guess Pam, you can, you know this one because this is stuff we talk about all the time, but if think through either times around the holidays that you just had with family or times where you've been out in a restaurant and you see people in the same proximity, but they're not at all present because they're just looking at their phones.
Pam Allan: That's a certain sign of, yeah, I'm not really interested in being here with you in this instance.
Corey Allan: I'm not present. I'm more interested in whatever's going on somewhere else. And so there's an element of importance to be where your butt is that when you're with somebody you care about and you're with somebody that's important, be with them. Don't hover, don't orbit, but just be with them. And if you've got something else you need to be doing at eventual time, well carve out five minutes to be with them, connect, talk, touch, whatever, and then go do what you need to do next and then come back and be with them.
Pam Allan: Yeah. Make the time you're together worthwhile.
Corey Allan: Right and that's the concept of-
Pam Allan: Even if it's just five minutes, make it worthwhile.
Corey Allan: Well that's the concept I believe, I think I came across this from Dr. Glover first, the idea of your wife, this is what I believe is the masculine presence with the feminine so the husband's presence with the wife. I believe she benefits more from 100% of my presence for five minutes than she does from 50% of my presence for 20 minutes.
Pam Allan: I would agree with that.
Corey Allan: Because I think there's importance to when I'm here with you, I am with you, I'm engaged, I don't have other things going on in my mind. And when I need to go do something else, I sequential task that thing. I move on, say, "Hey, I need to go run and do this." And I go do that, and then I come back and we connect again. And I think a lot of it just comes to being a good student of each other. And usually they'll teach you how to do it and you don't even have to ask sometimes, you just kind of watch. How does your wife connect to other people, her family members, things that are important to her? If you have kids, how does she connect with them? You can incorporate some of those same kind of concepts. Fair enough.
Pam Allan: Fair enough.
Corey Allan: It's hard to believe, Pam, but that episode that we just revisited today, here we are, December, 2022, episode 601. That episode was 210 episodes ago.
Pam Allan: Wow. Okay. It was episode 391, just so you know.
Corey Allan: But it's just, it's mind boggling to me, sometimes there's people I'll be interacting with that have been around the nation for a long time and they're like, "Hey, what episode are you guys on now?" Because maybe they dropped off from listening and they haven't mentioned it, like are you kidding me? That's pretty amazing to think about, the journey that's gone on thus far.
Pam Allan: I love it.
Corey Allan: And the amount of content we've covered and the information that we have and there's still so much more out there to cover.
Pam Allan: Yeah hopefully it continues to help people.
Corey Allan: Absolutely. And what we want to have happen with the nation is let us know what's going on and what we missed and what we still need to cover because we want to try to always be applicable to where people are, where they're trying to go, because we're all just trying to be better. Live with more passion, live with more vibrancy, live with more connection.
Pam Allan: Right. Right.
Corey Allan: That's the goal. Well, if you like the show, help us out by rating and reviewing us on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or however you listen. Your comments help spread the word about the show and help others frame their conversations about what goes on behind their closed doors. Transcripts are available and the show notes on each of the episodes pages and all the advertisers deals and discount codes are available on the episodes pages at passionatelymarried.net. Please, please consider supporting those who support the show. Greatest compliment you can give us is to share the show with those you care about and which can be particularly helpful during this holiday season. And so wherever you are, however you've chosen to listen, thanks for taking some time with us today and enjoy the holiday season and if you listen to the extended content, watch out for the ways we can ruin things. See you next time.
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