On the Regular version of today’s show …
A wife emails us to point out that we have missed the boat when it comes to husbands letting themselves go physically and how that impacts sex.
An email from a newlywed with a couple of questions about how to last longer and how to change up the order of things when sex is happening.
On the Xtended version …
What are some simple things we can do each and every day to increase our connection in marriage and life?
Enjoy the show!
The State Of Our Union: Weekly conversation prompts to have meaningful conversations. https://passionatelymarried.net/union
Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, SMRNation.com. You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.
Corey Allan: Welcome back to another episode of Sexy Marriage Radio. We're alongside my wife.
Pam Allan: It's so good to be here.
Corey Allan: Each and every week, we take out some time-
Pam Allan: Yeah, good day.
Corey Allan: ... to try to speak to what's going on with the SMR Nation and currently, since this is episode 499, that means if you do your math right...
Pam Allan: 500!
Corey Allan: Next week is 500, and what we're asking from the SMR Nation right off the bat in today's episode is if you've not emailed in or called in, 214-702-9565, we want to hear stories from you on asking... We're asking you what are the wins you've got? The successes you've had just-
Pam Allan: Nuggets you've taken away.
Corey Allan: Right. Just things that just resonate with you, from our whole journey here with SMR Nation each and every week, because it's pretty fascinating. 500's-
Pam Allan: How's it helped you?
Corey Allan: ... a big accomplishment, and we haven't done it alone. So-
Pam Allan: True that.
Corey Allan: ... obviously, we'll have some fun with next week's episode, and we're wanting you to be a part of it, so email feedback to SexyMarriageRadio.com or call us. 214-702-9565 is the voicemail line, and share part of your story with us. We'd love to hear it. On the other note, Merry Christmas to everyone in the SMR Nation since this is Christmas week.
Pam Allan: Yes, it is.
Corey Allan: Hope that you have safe travels if you are out and about, and a safe time with family.
Pam Allan: Or safe Zoom calls, if that's how you're seeing your family this year.
Corey Allan: Absolutely, because it is a different time with 2020 coming to close. We just wish you blessings and safety, as you get a chance to spend some time with family and maybe just take a little bit of break wherever you are. And then I also want to start off with just a thank you for another year, in a way. If you're kind of winding down, the holidays are times where we spend some time just kind of reflecting. I definitely do.
I take the time between Thanksgiving and New Year's to just kind of pull back and look at what's going on and where are we heading and kind of how things have been unfolding, and I'm excited about what's coming with the world of SMR Nation. And 2021, I'm also excited about where we've gone and all that's been accomplished, and how members of the SMR Academy have regularly shown up on our monthly calls, conversations in Slack. So if you want on board with that, come join us. Plus you get the extended content, because that's just even additional information that hopefully helps your marriage move from whatever point it's at to a little bit better. Because what we really want to have happen here-
Pam Allan: Or a lot better.
Corey Allan: Yeah, absolutely. What we really want to have happen here is for marriages just to thrive all over the place.
Pam Allan: That's right.
Corey Allan: So coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is a couple of your emails and our answers, but we're not going to answer an email. We'll actually answer on the air. Just in case-
Pam Allan: Perfect, so they can hear voices.
Corey Allan: Right, just in case-
Pam Allan: Good choice.
Corey Allan: ... you didn't crack that code there, Pam.
Pam Allan: Good choice.
Corey Allan: And then coming up on the extended content of SMR is a conversation that you and I are going to have about what are some of the simple dailies? This is one of the things I came across in this last month or so of just, what are some simple things you could be doing every single day that'll help your life and your marriage?
Pam Allan: I look forward to that.
Corey Allan: And they're pretty simple. So if you want on board with the extended content, go to SMRNation.com/SMRAcademy. That's how you can join for a little bit longer conversation, plus there are no ads. So all that's coming up on today's show.
So here's an email that came in Pam, right after a couple of weeks ago, with the episode I did with Tripp Lanier. And it was from a wife that was talking about she listened to 497, and she was feeling really hopeless. Okay? And so if you weren't familiar with that episode with Tripp Lanier, that was a conversation he and I had about what does it mean to be dangerous and how do you try to live more alive? And we really did spend a lot of time on some differences between men and women and the dynamic that can play out. And sometimes when we do that, it will strike a chord on the other side of the equation, right?
Pam Allan: Sure, sure.
Corey Allan: Because a lot of what we face is non-gender specific, but sometimes when we talk about things, we can take one side, and I'll totally own that, and sometimes there's a fallout to that.
Pam Allan: Sure.
Corey Allan: And so this is what she was pointing out. She says, "I was left feeling hopeless after 497, not because the topic wasn't valid, but because of what was not talked about on the show. The unspoken reality is that wives are lower desires because their husbands have let themselves go and expect the wives to find them attractive regardless. I've heard you in prior episodes begin to go down this path, but then you're quick to say, "Well, that's not typical of all the women," so we drop the subject. Wrong! I've done my own survey of the different groups of women in my life from work, church, close friends, acquaintances, Facebook groups, et cetera. When posed with the question, 97% were very quick to say that they wanted their husbands to lose weight so that they would be healthy.
And after I make the bold claim that I find it to be a turn-off which killed our sex life, they then find it safe enough to admit the same. But also, makes sure to end it with, "But I really want him to be healthy, too." I think women are so ashamed, largely by each other, that we aren't allowed to express that we can be visually stimulated just like the men. We're also conditioned that the male ego is so fragile that they can't handle that kind of truth. And men are happy to live in denial that a woman could lose attraction for them. All they have to do is compliment or do the dishes once in a while to turn their wives on. Wrong!" Which we've talked about that before in the past.
"After talking to all these women, I found that they very much want to have sex, just not with their overweight husbands. So this episode left me feeling hopeless. We spoke of compliments without expectation, and not asking for permission. That's great advice, and I agree. But you're not talking about how the wife wants to look at her husband with bedroom eyes too," and I like that phrase. Because I think she's pointing out it's easy to miss that, right?
Pam Allan: It is. It is. I guess... Well, keep going.
Corey Allan: So she's not putting him off because she's being repelled, goes into hiding, and then ultimately labeled as the low desire. "Maybe if men would keep trying to impress us the same way they did when the women try to look good for them, the low desire would be more willing and more wanting. You mention that sex is the one thing that separates the marital relationship from all others, and I agree. Sex is a huge component for this reason alone.
So why do men feel like they can get lazy, but the wife will be okay with it? The visual turn-off is a problem all on its own. I don't have to mention the compounding factors of overworked wives for men who don't pull their share of weight in the home, so why are we willing to blame low desire on that but ignore a physical attraction part? I'm convinced we've got it backwards. Laziness isn't for better or for worse, so why isn't this addressed? I think this could solve a myriad of marital issues all on its own. As long as my husband gets to think that a compliment without pressure of performing is all it takes, I have no hope for a vibrant sex life."
Pam Allan: Hmm.
Corey Allan: And so, she picked up on what was not being said, and it obviously spoke very loudly, and I give her all kinds of props for emailing in this kind of email, because we don't just mean this as a platitude of, "If it wasn't for the SMR Nation, we would not be where we are as a show and as a nation." It's because of emails like this is where we are. It's because when we say, "Give us your feedback," we mean it. Right?
Pam Allan: Yeah, we want people speaking their mind. I don't know that there's anything here we don't agree with. It's pretty broad, sweeping generalities, just like we try and preface, right?
Corey Allan: Right.
Pam Allan: Your comment of sometimes it's a... What is the word I'm looking for? Generic?
Corey Allan: The stereotype of things? Yes.
Pam Allan: The stereotype. Thank you, stereotype. Certainly, women-
Corey Allan: Women have eyes too.
Pam Allan: I will speak for myself. Here's where I like speaking for myself, as opposed to a broad, sweeping statement that says women in general, right? I have eyes too. I do want a man that keeps up with himself, and it does have an effect. I mean, we have a lot of men email in and we've had women say the same thing. "If he's not keeping up with himself, it's not a turn-on. It's a turn-off. It's quite the opposite." And so, both genders have to keep that in mind.
Corey Allan: Absolutely. But I will also agree with the way she's framing this, I will agree that the pressure because a woman is more likely "the lower desire," it just compounds the issue of putting even more pressure on, "Well, why isn't she accepting of who we are?"
Pam Allan: Yeah. Early on, it sounded like she's saying women are lower desire because their husbands have let themselves go. And I don't know if it's 100% because, or this is just compounding and makes that worse.
Corey Allan: Totally. And I think we have to add a caveat, because when we're talking about system dynamics, this is one of the truisms I really believe in, systems at their core, there is not linear causality.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: Right? So, I "let myself go," or I put on some pounds or things shift does not automatically equate to X. Because there's too many other variables, and too many other factors. But what she's acknowledging, and I think we need to acknowledge too or I will for sure, because you're kind of pointing it out too, it is a factor and it needs to be addressed. And we have covered it in some regards, with some of the people that have emailed in, that have been specific.
Because it does not line up with, "Hey, I say I want to look good, and I want to be working out and be in good physical shape, and prolong my life, but then I don't," and then that all lines up to making it a negative connotation, because I announced an intention, and I don't follow through. Those are big dings, let alone the fact that if you do let yourself go, that's another ding. And so, I think we have to recognize that this is true on both sides of this equation.
Pam Allan: Well, it's true on both sides of the equation, and you look at this. Is it truly laziness? There's people that seriously have thyroid problems or issues that come into play, right? Is it truly laziness? I'm assuming there's a looking at the whole person.
Corey Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative). And that's where the map comes into play, because you know in your spouse when they say something and they're just hoping to placate and get somebody off their back versus they say something and it lines up with that's where they're heading. And there's a different pressure that comes along with that dynamic. That's what we touch on. That's how changes are created in marriage. It's where if I look back on our journeys, especially because I think what she was pointing out initially is all of this I think for each person, I think we need to individually be responsible for the longevity and the health of our own person. And that means, how do we conduct ourselves? What do we do for our health?
How do we feed and fuel our body? What do we do to keep it active? All of those factors are a part of this, and how do I view this as, "This is for my benefit, and for the benefit of those that I care about." Those all matter. But I look at our journeys, the way we have changed over the years from raising a family to evolving to getting older, the big physical shifts that we've had have all just been individual. You've made a commitment to, "You know what? I'm going to start walking more regularly," at one point. And you just started doing it.
Pam Allan: Going to yoga, whatever.
Corey Allan: You didn't ask. I made a commitment to, "You know what? I'm going to start doing some shakes in the morning." Oh, those many years ago.
Pam Allan: Healthy ones, not ice cream, folks.
Corey Allan: Fair enough. But I just started doing it one day. I just got all the stuff, and just started it. I didn't announce it, just did it. And the same with workouts. It's not a flaunting, it's not a competition. Although for those of you who want to get on the bandwagon with 2021 coming right up and working out, we had some fun times when we first started working out where we bought a gym membership together.
We had the time to get there pretty regularly, and we made a commitment that at the end of a week, if one of us did not go three times and do some strenuous work, $5 went into a jar. And at the end of the year, whoever had put the least amount of money into the jar go the money in the jar. And all we had to do was get our butt to the gym, and follow through.
Pam Allan: Right? That was kind of fun.
Corey Allan: And that made it a fun little thing for where we were at our point in life, an enjoyable way for both of us to look our for ourselves, and in turn, for the benefit of each other. Because I think she's right, that men and women both have eyes. We both have flavors that appeal to us.
Pam Allan: Yeah, I agree.
Corey Allan: And it's also very, very likely that who we were when we met is different on both sides. But men don't get a free pass on this. And that's worth noting, because it can sometimes seem like, "Well, that's just what dudes do." No, wrong! If you want something more, be better.
Confront some things in yourself, and at least then when you talk about this dynamic, or the difference between a higher desire and low desire, you get more clarity of what really is in the way because you've controlled what you can control better and then you can confront the differences between you even cleaner. So another email that came in, Pam, and this is from newlyweds.
Pam Allan: I love that.
Corey Allan: Remember those days? I don't even remember that. Okay.
Pam Allan: Yeah, you do. You remember it.
Corey Allan: So, "Hey, Dr. Allan. My wife and I are newlyweds and we listen to your show on and off, depending on the topic. Your show has been a great blessing to me. I actually have a couple of questions. So, I've come into a predicament quite often about having a sex drive that's been annihilated by premature ejaculation. I'd say that my wife and I have somewhat the same level of drive, but when I find a position that works well for me, such as cowgirl, my penis doesn't get too much attention, and so my wife is able to come before me at least once, before my sex drive jumps through the roof.
However, the opposite happens when we use a position that does cause me to climax faster, and due to that, I could literally go weeks without wanting sex again. What steps can I take to help from ejaculating too quickly?" We're going to answer this one, and then we'll move on to the second question, because it's a different... Actually, no. As I'm thinking about it, they might tie together. So my second question-
Pam Allan: Okay. Go for it, then.
Corey Allan: "I've heard you mention multiple times about transitions during sex, like going from oral to penetration to fingering or a toy. Unfortunately, transitions don't normally work for my wife. I can start with oral or a toy, or some rubbing, but the moment we do penetration, I can't go to anything else.
It's as if her building up completely restarts. What advice can you give me to help the transitions to be smoother and less stop and go? Just like any husband, I cherish my wife and it kills me when I'm struggling to pleasure her. Thanks for all that you do to help." All right, so I see how these two can relate.
Pam Allan: Well then, go for it.
Corey Allan: Because he's talking about one of the things he wants to do is prolong the experiences. And one of the ways to prolong an experience for a man is to switch things up, because it gives you a little bit of time to kind of come down off of the edge that you're heading up. And so, you get a chance to kind of regroup, start a different way, position, moment, whatever. But it's disruptive to a woman. At least it is to his wife.
Pam Allan: Well, that's why it prolongs for a man, because it's a little disruptive, right? So it's disruptive to both. Hopefully, she can stay in the game. And isn't this kind of normal, especially in newlywed, right? You're figuring out the body-
Corey Allan: Right.
Pam Allan: ... and the brain and how it all works together. And so probably most men out there when they were newlyweds, probably could relate to this issue.
Corey Allan: Oh, sure. Because you're talking about a heightened level of anxiety, because of the novelty, the newness, the uncertainty, the naivete that's going on. And so, one of the ways that I think you help deal with premature ejaculation in this context is communication. You just have some conversations with her about, "Hey, in some of these positions, they're fantastic, but with some of the others, if we are wanting as a joint agreement of a longer experience, I want to change it up to keep it from happening too fast."
And maybe she gets buy-in and then there's a lot of trial and error of, "Oh, that worked really well. Look at us, how well we recovered," and sometimes, "Man, that bombed." But look at this through the lens of two things. One, married sex is a long game. Just because something in one experience does not go well does not mean it's a disaster. What'd you learn from it? What's your conversations after it? How do you recover from it? And then how do you take that data to do something better? Because this is about not what necessarily you learn about your spouse. It's also what you learn about you. I learned that when you are in that position, wow, that's too much stimulation. So-
Pam Allan: If I want to make it last longer, yeah.
Corey Allan: ... if I want it to go longer, we've got to come up with a different situation."
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: And so sometimes, that's some agreed-upon, "Let's see if we can't add in some shifting here and there to make this go better and longer." The other thing, the other component of the two things that are worth noting is one, marriage is a long game, and the other, great sex is all about recovering. Because it doesn't always flow from the starting bell to completion smoothly, right?
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: So sometimes, it started and then whoa, something happens. A phone rings, kid knocks on the door. I mean, all kinds of circumstances interrupt us. The brain just goes weird, something doesn't work the way you thought it would. But you recover, and now lo and behold, you both just showed up differently.
Pam Allan: Yeah, some of that's the joy of going through that, right?
Corey Allan: Right.
Pam Allan: It's like the mountains and valleys of the whole thing.
Corey Allan: Totally, and if you look at it that way as, "This is an expedition," sometimes expeditions are scary, right? And there's parts of it that are like, "I don't know how I'm going to react to this. I don't know how she's going to react to this. Let's try it and see." And maybe you both discover, "Whoa, look at what we're capable of!"
Pam Allan: Yeah. So he's talking about that once there's penetration, she doesn't want to have another position, she doesn't want to move from that. Is that something that the two of you have actually had some sort of discussion about, or is it just in the moment, in the heat of it, you try and move away from it and she keeps pulling you back, "No, I'm not going anywhere else." Well, when you're not in the heat of it, bring it up. "Hey, here's what's happening for me."
Corey Allan: Yeah, and-
Pam Allan: Bring it up and see where it is. Don't do it in the heat of it.
Corey Allan: Right. Because this is about teaching each other, about yourself and your partner. "Hey, this is what's working, this is what just happened to me," and so there is a lot of... and from the couples I've worked with and from our experience too, there's a lot of Monday morning quarterbacking that can go on with this, right?
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: That you talk about it afterwards, that you debrief it the next day or something, where it's like, "Hey, this is what I was thinking about, and this is what I just realized," you know?
Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Corey Allan: All this is good information to help bring you back together for the future. A couple of other specific things from his first question on the premature ejaculation, we've talked about this before on some prior episodes, so if you just Google premature ejaculation on the search feature at SMRNation.com-
Pam Allan: Not Google, but put it in the search.
Corey Allan: Well, use it in the search feature. Well, you could also put in quotes, "SMRNation, premature ejaculation." It'll find it. Google's everywhere, you know that, babe. They're listening right now.
Pam Allan: I'm thinking of the crazy Google stuff you're going to find. Okay. I hear what you're saying.
Corey Allan: You're right, you're right. One is there's an element of, "You go first," and depending on a refractory period, you go first, achieve orgasm, continue with foreplay, continue with the connection until your refractory period's over, then you're in a position to be able to do intercourse again, for most men. Don't know what kind of length of time we're talking about between, because each guy's different. But lots of times, the second go around, every man typically is a little bit longer on how long it takes to reach an orgasm the next time. Because the sensation's in the body, and just the way it flows.
The other is just when you're talking about the positions that you've recognized, some work to prolong and some don't. Well, what's the specifics on the feelings and the views, and the experience of the positions that prolong it versus the ones that don't? Because there's nuances. Sometimes, people can orgasm very, very quickly when they're face-to-face, eye-to-eye because they truly are intently with each other. Sometimes when a woman's on top, some guys can go a long, long time and when he flips her over, that's when it's over. Just sometimes-
Pam Allan: Is that because of the sensation typically, and the position?
Corey Allan: This is just from the stories I've heard. I'm just going through the Rolodex of clients that have talked to this detail with me in sessions, that every position has a different meaning for each individual couple.
Pam Allan: Okay. I got you.
Corey Allan: And so, it's figuring out what means what to each person in that couple and in that dynamic. Because if you're talking about just sensations, on what's impacting your penis, any kind of intercourse, there's similarities with all of it. It's totally engulfed by the vagina in all the positions. There's some from the rear entry that you hit the pelvic done a little different. That adds a different sensation to it, on a firmness.
Pam Allan: Got you.
Corey Allan: Depending on the angle of entry. So a lot of it is coming down to men, the visual nature, and the pleasure a wife gets out of it. Because for a lot of men, I have heard the stories of when a wife is really into it, it's hard to prolong it, because you just feed off of each other's pleasure in that point. So this is more communication.
So then to the second question of mentioning transitions during sex, same path forward to me. Conversations about it of, "Okay, how does this throw you off? Do you have difficulty getting your head back into the game, or the body back into the game?" Because there are a lot of times I think for couples, when you do change it, unless it's a smooth, seamless change with some positions are easier to do that and you stay in process, but if you're kind of going back down the playing card if you will or the playlist, then there are times where it's like, "Okay, wait. I lost the head game in this, so I need to get my head going again, which might mean we need to go back to this point or that point," or did you just lose the lubrication and the engorgement? So, it's understanding-
Pam Allan: Yeah, bring in some gels, or other things-
Corey Allan: How do those things play off of each other?
Pam Allan: ... that might help you.
Corey Allan: Because what you're both wanting is a fight, in the way you both are going after the script. You get that? What she's wanting is a different path than what he's wanting.
Pam Allan: Right. They're not wanting a fight.
Corey Allan: No.
Pam Allan: Maybe they do, maybe they like the rough stuff.
Corey Allan: But the manner in which they're going about their goals is conflictual.
Pam Allan: It is conflictual, yes.
Corey Allan: So it's just recognizing, "Okay, how do we make this collaborative?"
Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Corey Allan: And that's usually by we bring the dynamic out in the open cleaner, and it's trial and error and it's figuring things out which is the beautiful part of married sex, is this makes it a long game of, "That didn't work that time, it might work next time, or 25 times from now." Because circumstances and we will be different at that point, but just looking through this lens of, "Okay, if you're really wanting to cherish her and figure out how to please her, have her help teach you on what will do that by how it unfolds with her, and then watch the signals. Watch the signs."
And I would say the same to her. Watch the signals and watch the signs, because if you're wanting to really prolong it, speak up in those moments. And say, "Hey, babe, I want this to go longer." And that might like, "Oh, that's so unromantic." No, it's really not, in the whole scheme of the story.
Pam Allan: It's not, and it may be weird the first time, maybe. Maybe you're already discussing these things. But the second time, it's not so much. I mean, it's there and it's already on the table, and...
Corey Allan: We're always communicating anyway.
Pam Allan: Right, true.
Corey Allan: So how about start using words at times, too?
Pam Allan: Right, exactly.
Caller: Hey, Corey and Pam. My wife and I have been married for 31 and a half years and we have four grown children. Our sex life is pretty great, and for the last two-thirds of our marriage, my wife has been multi-orgasmic, sometimes as many as 10 per encounter. I happened across your show in an effort to always be improving our marriage, not really expecting to find a lot that we didn't know. I know that was pretty arrogant of me.
Trying to catch up on the episodes, I came across episode number 430, which was titled The F Word. And I sent it to my wife while she was on a business trip, because as far as the language usage in our marriage, she's always kind of been the goody-two-shoes of the pair of us, even though we're both believers. I didn't even know for sure if she'd listen to the episode, but when she got back from her trip, she had obviously taken the hint too hard and our sex life really cranked up a notch because of that episode. For as long as we've been happily married, we have been praying together twice a day, which is me in the morning, her in the evening. And there's nothing more intimate and vulnerable than when you're openly praying with somebody, and we think it actually has a lot to do with our success. Appreciate you guys, and keep doing what you're doing, keep up the good work. Thanks."
Corey Allan: And we're going to leave it at that.
Pam Allan: Wonderful, thank you for that call.
Corey Allan: This has been Sexy Marriage Radio. Obviously, we tried to cover a lot of ground today, so if there's something that we did not get covered well, we're counting on you, SMR Nation!
Pam Allan: Yeah, bring it up!
Corey Allan: 214-702-9565 or feedback@SexyMarriageRadio.com. And also, final reminder, next week is episode 500, baby.
Pam Allan: Whoo-hoo!
Corey Allan: So for those of you that have been around for any length of time with us, and have reaped any sort of insight, knowledge, even just a little perk of, "I can say the F word? Whoa. That's awesome." I love that email... that voicemail. That's so great. We want to hear from you, because we want this episode next week to be about all of us. It's not just Pam and I. Obviously, there's been a lot of people that have helped Sexy Marriage Radio be what it is.
Pam Allan: Yeah, absolutely.
Corey Allan: You are among us, so join us. 214-702-9565 to share your stories or feedback@SexyMarriageRadio.com. So wherever you are, whatever you've been doing, have a very, very merry Christmas, and we'll see you next time.
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