Come join the conversations in the SMRNation Community at my.passionatelymarried.net
On the Regular version of today’s show …
An email from a wife whose husband says that if she would let him masturbate or look at porn he would be more interested in sex with her and would be able to finish more regularly.
Two emails from different wives wanting to know how to address when husbands have gained a lot of weight and have little interest in a healthier lifestyle.
On the Xtended version …
Part 3 of the Q and A that happens at the end of the SMR Getaway. This time we go into questions like gridlock and books to help relationships.
Enjoy the show!
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Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio passionatelymarried.net.
Speaker 2: You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.
Corey Allan: So, I want to jump right in today, Pam, because the reviews are in. The Sexy Marriage Radio getaway 2021 was a hit.
Pam Allan: It was so much fun.
Corey Allan: It was a full success. A couple of statements that came in. "Seeing other couples come together and face things head on was so encouraging and inspiring hearing others talk about their issues so openly was so helpful for me to not feel alone or that it's all our issue. Knowing other struggle with the same issues gave me comfort and hope that will persevere forever. Thanks for that."
Pam Allan: Fabulous.
Corey Allan: And then the other one, "I'm so impressed by the things that I learned that have more to do with myself than about my husband or us as a couple, I'm excited to get home and begin the work of the long game."
Pam Allan: Love it, love it. And that's the thing, you come to this and yeah, it's a marriage getaway. And just like so many people have commented or come to realize what Sexy Marriage Radio is about. Yeah, it's about your marriage, but it really works on you.
Corey Allan: Correct.
Pam Allan: It's you. And that's when-
Corey Allan: We're talking common denominator stuff here. And so for in the future for next year, for 2022, we will have another getaway. We're feverously working to nail down where and when, and we will announce that as soon as we have it set up. So that if you miss this year or you're at this year, come back, come join us again. Because it's going to be a great opportunity once again. We're coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is a couple of emails that have come in just recently that are worth unpacking and then our answers of them. And then on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads, you can subscribe at passionatelymarried.net/smracademy. Part three of the Q&A that has gone on from the getaway, because there are so many questions that we get while we're gone during those four days.
Pam Allan: Right. Big, wide variety.
Corey Allan: And we spend a full two hours just answering questions that have already been given in anonymously that allows us to go a whole lot deeper and often can spur some really good dialogue among the participants that were there. So, all that's coming up on today's show. So, this is an email that began as a message on Instagram. So, then it just goes, "My husband says he feels trapped since I don't let him watch porn or masturbate. He says he doesn't want to watch porn anymore. But he says, now his drive is gone since he can only have sex. Because of all of this, it's a huge struggle to get him to finish during sex. He says if he could, it would make him want me and sex more often as a choice, not just a task. I don't understand the male mind. So, I don't really get the situation too well. I'd love to hear a podcast on this one day, if you have anything to say at all about it. Thanks."
Pam Allan: I mean, that's a good question. The first thing I hear is she doesn't let him watch it, but that's beside the point. I'm interested to hear what you have to say about, I can't finish if I don't have that in my life. I've got these issues that don't allow me to finish if I don't include something.
Corey Allan: There's multiple things going on with this that are difficult to unpack without real time data coming back at me as we're unpacking it.
Pam Allan: Sure.
Corey Allan: Okay. But the two sides of this coin we can explore for the sake of this episode is one, the male mind in the sense of I can't finish. And there's something with the erotic that is lost with some of the habits and the manner in which it's developed in a sexual energy and where it's been going versus where it can go in sex with his wife. That's one side of it.
Pam Allan: So, introduce some erotic into sex with your spouse.
Corey Allan: Maybe, you're jumping ahead of me now, lady, there.
Pam Allan: Okay. Well, that's what I do.
Corey Allan: So, the other side of this coin is the dynamic of the relationship of the, she doesn't let me anymore, because that's a power and control equation. And so who has power here? Where does it reside? What's the impact of it? Because all of these things are moves. Because when I read this initially, the first thought that jumped out to my mind is the way he's framing this to her is a move. Just like her move is I don't want you to watch porn or masturbate. So, those are moves we're making on somebody else for my own benefit, comfort, ease, insecurity, whatever.
Pam Allan: Or to make a jab at the spouse.
Corey Allan: Could be.
Pam Allan: I don't like what they're doing. So, I'm going to tell them no.
Corey Allan: Could be.
Pam Allan: Or I'm going to tell him I can't.
Corey Allan: Okay. So, let's start with the physical erotic that you alluded to. That there's a lot of times where men and then women, I haven't come across as much with women in this regard, but with men, for sure, where their entry into the sexual was through pornography and masturbation. And some of this is different than my entry. Because mine was not the high speed internet access, which stimulates your brain differently than a static picture. So, the moving picture does different things, chemically in a sense, or biologically in the brain on the way it impacts you then a picture. And it allows a lot faster access, a lot faster progression, and that can alter some chemistry, if you will, in the brain. Actually, I need to change that. I don't like the word chemistry, the pathways, the neural pathways, they get altered. To where then if you don't have, this is the law of diminishing returns.
If I don't have the same level of threshold that I can reach or erotic that I can reach or titillation or taboo or whatever it might be, I can't achieve that goal of orgasm. I can achieve a goal of arousal, but I can't get to the point of orgasm. So, the way it often can happen where pornography was a part of a man's life, especially if it was an extensive long-term and even I'd add in the qualifier of progressive where the newer needed to keep coming in to keep getting the results in the brain and in the body.
Pam Allan: Which I would think would be the case for pretty much everybody. Because the new wears off and you want something else and you keep progressing to that next level.
Corey Allan: Yeah. I'm hesitant to be broad brush with this though, Pam, just because experiences are so varied where some guys, I'm in this category, that I knew full well, because I watched all the research, even when I was in the ministry and all this stuff was just starting to come out. I knew full well that this was a progressive thing. And for whatever reason, I had a threshold that I just never passed. And I think it was probably more fear than anything layered in with a little bit of knowledge. I don't want to go there, but it also just became the means to the end.
And that was the whole point, for me at least. But it's recognizing for a lot of guys, if this is your entry into it, transitioning from that into sex with an actual human being, a woman, is a different beast. It's a different animal, because the virtual, you can control your surroundings a whole lot more. The actual physical, real world, you can't. And you got another creature there that does things differently or has their own wants or desires or quirks or styles that they want. And they're not just at a mouse click.
Pam Allan: Well, sure. And you're not just focused then on the same sensation you've got, you've-
Corey Allan: You're reading them,
Pam Allan: Reading them.
Corey Allan: The chemicals going on between you with the pheromones, the dialogue that you have, and this is where, when you add marriage into the equation and you have a better map of each other, you know if she's into it or not. You know if it's a task oriented thing and that sounds like maybe that's become their default.
Pam Allan: Is that it's task oriented.
Corey Allan: It's task oriented, which anytime there's something that we mentioned at the getaway, sex can be work or it can be play. It can't be both. And if it's a task oriented thing, it's really easy to have thresholds that you can't reach then. And that's where your issues can rear their head a little bit more, because the body's not really into it. All the inner workings in the pathways that work to really get you going and stimulated fully into it, get derailed pretty easily if it's just one of these ah, just get it done.
It's just a means to an end for something. And so yes, that can be an equation of this has started to directly impact his ability to reach climax in a efficient manner. I guess probably the easiest way to describe it. Okay. So, sometimes that factor is there, which then just means, where's your sexual energy coming from? Where's it going? Because a lot of times it's just started to look at what is the stuff that was triggering arousal in him and in her, any human, how did it come from and what are better ways to have that still happening? Because we live in a trigger world. There's a lot of beautiful things out there. Not all are sexual, but some of them are, there's a sexual nature to a lot of things that I don't think, not that I'm going out looking for it.
But if I start to soak in what's going on around me differently and then steer it better, that's the route we usually take here at SMR is it's more about where does my sexual energy go, not where does it come from. Because I think that's the tangible, taking a thought captive, directing it towards my marriage, being honoring for a covenant in the sacredness of a monogamous marriage. Go to the other side of this coin now with the idea of it's the power moves.
Pam Allan: Right. Do, I let him do I not?
Corey Allan: The reality of it is, a spouse can say, you can't do this and that doesn't really mean anything beyond the words you said.
Pam Allan: Right. Because if they want to do something, they can still do it.
Corey Allan: Yeah. They just get better at hiding it.
Pam Allan: Which nobody wants, that doesn't help anything.
Corey Allan: Or it starts to put this layer of oppressiveness on the marriage. That's not freedom then.
Pam Allan: Resentment. Yeah.
Corey Allan: So, a lot of times I think we do this in a lot different ways. This has kind of been a thread of some of the different couples I've worked with over the last couple of months actually, where there's been this thread of power and control moves that are happening. That it's this idea, and most people, we don't see it that way. It's this idea of look, I want to live according to the certain kind of structure. And that's the way, I could even use the virtue card of it. It's cleanliness and it's ordered and it's getting stuff done and it's all that. And that's a good thing. But the way it impacts you is oppressive. Because you're more free flow, creative or spontaneous or whatever that might be the way you would rather go through life, more as the hippie versus a type A for an example.
And each of our preferences have an impact on the other. And so her preference of please don't use pornography and please don't masturbate, because of whatever the moral or whatever the value is with that for her has created an impact on him. And so how do you start to see it as I can understand your preference, I can understand your desire. And then you see if my partner is willing to choose to honor that or not. It's not as much of a move of you must. It's more of a move of, are you a partner in this with me? Are you aligning alongside me in this with me? Because if you can do that, you start to disarm some of the oppressive layers on it. But the flip side of this is really cool, Pam, because then you start to get into this element of now I'm in a better position to actually be chosen and cherished.
Pam Allan: And to choose and to cherish the other person as well.
Corey Allan: Exactly.
Pam Allan: For it to be reciprocal.
Corey Allan: Yeah. But I think most of the time we don't look through the lens of what's the impact of my preferences on those around me, that I care the most. Because this is one I hear a lot, five minutes early is 10 minutes late from some people in the way they work. That anywhere we go, we are going to be on time. And that means five minutes early. Because that's just what they were raised by a military family or it's rigid. Well, the impact of that is really rushed to the other members of the family, typically. It's the pressure of, okay, I got to be ready to go by this time. I got to be here. And it really can amp things up rather than starting to see it as, okay, what's the impact of my preference. And sometimes the big workaround for this as an example is when people, this comes up a lot with clients and it's usually surrounding church on Sunday mornings.
And she's the one that likes the idea of fashionably late. And he's the one that's like, no, we got to be there early. Well, you have two cars. Go separate. Now you're starting to tap into a different value though, but we're supposed to go to church together. Really? Says who? I mean, you're there together. Maybe you just didn't arrive together. It's not that big a deal. What if you had to go somewhere right after, would that be ... Then we find all these different loopholes we have in our mind that the more I can start to look through it, that this lens, I start to realize I don't hold as deeply to values as I think. So, that gives me a little more wiggle room that I can still be in my moral compass and live according to the way I see it, but I don't have to force feed it to those around me. I want to give them the option opportunity to choose it. Well, today we get to welcome a new sponsor. Paintyourlife.com.
Pam Allan: I love these new partnerships.
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Pam Allan: Yeah. Real reasonable for good quality work.
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So, it's 20% off and free shipping to get the special offer for our listeners. You need to text the word marriage, M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E to 64000. You just got to type out that numbers. That's marriage to 64000. Text marriage to 64000 and Paint Your Life will help you celebrate the moments that matter the most. Terms are available. And you can find those at paintyourlife.com/terms. Again, text marriage to 64000 to take advantage of this fantastic offer and truly unique gift. So, at the next segment, Pam, I'm actually combining, I'm going to read two different emails, because they're on the same topic.
So, it says, "I searched your website and podcast and found mention of husbands that might be letting themselves go, but I didn't find much about it. My husband has let himself go physically. And I honestly have a hard time seeing him without clothes on. I've brought this up several times and I'd appreciate it if you worked out and I've gotten guilt tripped about how busy he is and he doesn't have time for it and how it hurts him that I mention it. He will work out for a day or so then that's it. There's never a good time to bring it up. He already has confidence issues with sex, and I don't want to hurt him, but I'd be willing to have so much sex much more if he were more fit. Any tips would be appreciated." And then the followup from, this isn't the same wife. So, this is a different-
Pam Allan: A different wife.
Corey Allan: A different email. "So, I've been with my husband since high school, we've been married for 16 years and have two children. We've seen each other go through many physical changes. I'm extremely conscientious about eating healthy and working out. I'm in the best shape of my life. My husband constantly tells me how sexy I am and how good I look, which makes me feel amazing. But I struggle with the fact that he's not as committed to a healthy lifestyle. I love him and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but he's not in shape. And he's put on a lot of weight."
"I'm feeling somewhat resentful that he gets to feel that physical excitement when he looks at me, but I have a hard time reciprocating it. I know I'm more attracted to a fit body type, but I know it's not my place or job to make him care about his health. As much as I do, I find him attractive, but I know it'd be a game changer if he were on the same page about being healthy. I feel stuck and I miss that visual component of arousal. Do I need to just get over this or is there a way to address it without hurting him? Your show has been extremely helpful in mind opening for me thus far. Thanks."
Pam Allan: Great questions. I think that answers a question that a lot of people have of, well, are women visual? Yeah.
Corey Allan: You better believe it.
Pam Allan: Yeah, we are. Yeah.
Corey Allan: They have two eyes. And for whatever reason, society in the west has given men a pass in a lot of ways as they age.
Pam Allan: On staying fit.
Corey Allan: Yeah. On the gut. And we're going to get old and fat seems to be a little more accepted for the male of the species than it is for the female, as far as society portrays it. But this is the classic on both of them. We're just going to kind of land in the same kind of topic for each of them. This is the classic two choice dilemma. Because both these wives made the comment of how do I bring this up, but I don't want to hurt him.
Pam Allan: Yeah. They're going to get hurt if you bring it up. Is that what?
Corey Allan: Well, let me kind of jump to the chase though, too. They already are. They know where they stand. They know where their wives stand. This is probably not new information to them.
Pam Allan: Hm. They don't know to the depth, I bet. Maybe, maybe not.
Corey Allan: And it could be, because don't we get caught up in these things that are gridlock issues like this. And a gridlock issue is what I want is blocked by what my partner wants. That we get caught in these scenarios of, I take the softer road through it and I haven't really fully addressed the depth of it, because I already see the hurt when I have, and it hasn't gone well. And so you both kind of land at the lowest common denominator kind of level. But it's not that the issue isn't known, it's just not enough to create critical mass to really make it land on each person's shoulders.
Pam Allan: Well, and when you love your spouse, hopefully everybody listening loves their spouse. You don't want to hurt him. I mean, that's the reality. You don't want to hurt him. And it feels like a personal attack, I guess, if you're talking about ... This isn't even going to, oh, I can blame this on my family of origin. Because this is how I ... Maybe I blame my parents for how they trained me to eat or whatever, but this is about me and how I'm living and how I look. So, it feels to me like it takes on even a different level. Am I wrong here?
Corey Allan: No, you're right. And this is the whole power and control thing of, if there's anything we, as humans, can really control it's our wellbeing or not. It's our shortcuts to soothing in inappropriate ways or not. I mean, that's the one I remember. Our doctor, who's a good friend of ours when we had an issue with our oldest, when she was a baby, when she was an infant. And he said that the two things an infant can control is what comes out of their body and what goes into their body. That's really all they've got control of at this point. And they don't really have a whole lot of the first one. They do have control of what goes in it though.
Pam Allan: Just by way of rejecting it if you try and put it in their mouth.
Corey Allan: Right, put it in their mouth, they spit it out.
Pam Allan: Right. They don't get to pick what goes in though.
Corey Allan: No, but they get to pick if it goes in. And so, I think we carry that forward of, there are things in my life that I know full well, where you stay in, I don't want to, because of the meaning, the value, the whatever, it's different. We used to have this over the healthy eating mindset. And so it's just looking at it as, yeah, I knew full well, you preferred more organic and raw and natural while I was preferred the things that came out of boxes.
Pam Allan: Or fast food.
Corey Allan: Oh yeah. That too, fried. That kind of stuff. And I still do, but it's different. And what's going on and as we've evolved and changed and kind of gone through some of the different stuff we've done in 2021, but it's seeing it as we come up against these issues that are two choice dilemmas because I want to let my spouse know where I stand, what I really want, what I long for, but I don't want to hurt him. I don't get both of those. I only get one.
Pam Allan: When it comes down to it, even if I do hurt him, are they going to make a change just because I said something? They have to see it for themselves.
Corey Allan: Yeah, they have to want it for themselves. This is that idea of, if someone doesn't really want it from an innate inner level, they're not going to do it long. They're not going to see it all the way through until they have full buy-in, until they see the value in it themselves, which typically, well careful with this one, which sometimes can be spurred on by understanding the depth of the value the spouse has on it. Which doesn't mean you come at them and you berate them or you point it out or you regularly make it a subject of conversation, but you better well be living it for yourself.
Pam Allan: Well, I mean, that's a good point. I've got to be living what I'm hoping they live, it sounds like these ladies are living that.
Corey Allan: From the way they're describing it I'll agree, but is it complete, a 100% as much as possible they're living it. Because if they're not, that's the loopholes he can re rest on.
Pam Allan: But I don't want to do something just because I'm not going to give him a loophole to get through. I'm still going to have one little bite of cheesecake or whatever. Come on, live a little.
Corey Allan: Cheesecake is good. I am not disputing this fact.
Pam Allan: Live a little.
Corey Allan: But it's just recognizing it as, okay, how do you start to live your life as a vibrant, attractive, fit, healthy person? This is the idea that I love of use that power to your advantage. If I carry myself with confidence, it's going to be noticed. And you better believe if he has some insecurity issues over physical nature and fitness, he knows if other people are checking out his wife or not. And I'm not saying you go and put yourself in situations where you draw that attention to it purposefully, but you don't avoid it necessarily. If I'm just living a vibrant me and then I'm steering it in line with my values, align with my integrity and my moral compass. That's the power of the other, if you will.
And it's just using that as fuel to look, I'm all in. I want this with us. I want to see it in you. I would love it. Come with me and you keep inviting. This is the higher desire, lower desire dilemma. You keep inviting, hey, come with me. Or are you make meals that you know are more in line. And if he goes to grab something else or picked up something beforehand, okay, it hurts. But it's not any different than the hurt you already had. And so it's just looking at it as this, let it land on each other's shoulders where it needs to land better.
But I also want to add one last thing before we lay in this conversation, because one of the things I hear a lot, and I just need to put this out there, because I know I'm going to get some emails on firstname.lastname@example.org, by the way, is there's lots of times where if then things are proposed in the way we think and bring our arguments. If you looked more fit, I would be willing to have more sex.
Pam Allan: And you don't think that's ...
Corey Allan: I think sometimes we exaggerate what reality really is. And some of it is, it seems natural, it seems logical. I'm drawn to that.
Pam Allan: It does seem much more logical to want to have sex with someone who's more fit.
Corey Allan: I don't know of ... I'm trying to go through the people that I've actually worked with long enough, over a history of time to see where somebody's done a metamorphosis. And it actually has equated in a longterm uptick of the amount of sex they're having. I don't know of any that I'm thinking of, but that it's just like, okay, and that's a very small sample size, but I just want to be careful of this, because when I dangle out a carrot, that's really all it is. It's just a carrot. So, how am I just living something that's more envibrate and more in live and more engaged.
And if it's a natural fall and natural consequence that it becomes when we get more in line with the same journey, we're likely going to have more sex together. Perfect. Great. But I don't like the idea, because then that becomes people go through a metamorphosis, because I have heard of this. They've lost a lot of weight, they've gotten in shape and lo and behold sex numbers did not go up. So, it's like okay, what was that really all about then? Because that's congruence of what I say is what I'm after and who I am.
Pam Allan: Hmm. Well, so many little doors to open there and crosstalk.
Corey Allan: There are. And that's why I just want to add this in.
Pam Allan: There's so many factors.
Corey Allan: There totally are.
Pam Allan: Am I only making this switch and working out because I think it'll get me more sex or am I making this change because I just want to be better to feel better to live a-
Corey Allan: This is when you have your attachment to the meanings.
Pam Allan: ... live a stronger live.
Corey Allan: What's my motivations for it? This is the same kind of equation of, I just want to be happy rather than realizing happiness comes along with something that I'm going after something bigger. Happiness is the by-product of something bigger. It's not the in and of itself. So, in this equation, getting a healthier lifestyle, being more in shape, living more vibrantly, it's not to have more sex. That's a by-product hopefully. It's to live longer and to be more engaged in your life and feel better. See, if you've got a partner in that or not, by the way you live in lead, but don't be afraid to bring it up occasionally, because it's already there and it's already known.
Pam Allan: Yeah, they know it.
Corey Allan: So, at least speak it more clearly and see what happens. Well, it seems like so long ago that we were on the air together.
Pam Allan: I know, I know. From the getaway.
Corey Allan: Since the getaway we got a couple shows in and we had the best-offs before, just because of conflicts we've had with tax season and the different things going on. So, it's been great to get back with you-
Pam Allan: It feels great to sit here beside you.
Corey Allan: ... in this manner. And be back in the studio together. Well, these are some tougher ones that I think they're tougher because we're talking about immovable mountains, if you will, in us, that I just want you to see it the way I do. And I just want you to do it the way I do. And give me freedom to do it the way I want to. And those are just things we all fight. Just insert different topic. So, hopefully this helps to make sense and help people frame it a little bit better for their conversations. So, this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. If this didn't land real well and you're still unsure, let us know. 214-702-9565 or email@example.com. See you next time.
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