Every year I get the privilege to be invited to speak to local churches Mom’s Groups or Marriage Retreats. This year in the past 4 months we landed on the topic of a sex Q&A – where the audience had the chance to submit questions beforehand, or ask them during the time while I was speaking on any question they had about sex, sexuality and marriage.
What follows are the questions that were asked during these times. Usually I will only have around 45 minutes to speak so there is no way we could address them all, but I figured it would be great for you to know what questions couples are asking … so you can see you’re likely not alone in the issues and struggles you face in your sex life.
By the way, if you’re interested in an answer to these questions (or something not yet asked), be sure to use the search feature at the top of passionatelymarried.net to see what we’ve covered already.
And if you are interested in having us answer these questions with your group, contact us and let us know.
- How often is “enough” for sex? I feel like I am ok with a couple times per week, but my husband is more about a couple times per day!
- How often should we be having sex for a healthy marriage?
- How often should we be having sex?
- What does a healthy sex life look like in a Christian marriage?
- How do you respond when your spouse wants to do something sexually, but you’re not comfortable? How do you not create a fight and/or rejection.
- We have been married for 27 years and just became empty nesters a couple years ago, but unfortunately there is very little intimacy in our marriage. We are huggers and kissers but very little in the sex department. I go to bed early and he stays up late. We seem content but it does make me wonder unfortunately if he has interest in someone else as he doesn’t show much affection.
- These are more of topics I would like touched on vs questions but please feel free to work them into a question if possible. The importance of being vulnerable and open with your spouse. Why women need to feel secure and safe in order to be open to sexual intimacy. What intimacy actually is and why it is important in marriage. Why is intimacy hard for some people. Spouse should be your/my safe place.
- How do I support my spouse dealing with an addiction?
- I feel most disconnected with my husband during sexual intimacy rather than a closeness or bond….. how can I get over this?
- How do you handle a hyper-sexual libido vs a zero libido?
- How can I change my oppressive views on sexuality and intimacy that narrows my mindset of what it should be versus what it could be? How can sex be viewed as fun, exciting, different, and new instead of just about making each other orgasm? How can you make sex and intimacy more than just about the orgasm? What are some sexual and nonsexual ways to be intimate that doesn’t mean you have to have intercourse (oral, vaginal, and anal)?
- As a mom of 2 young children, it’s hard to have the “want” to be intimate with my partner after long and stressful days. Any advice?
- Are we still “ok” if we haven’t had sexual contact in years? We still laugh and enjoy life together, we just aren’t intimate. Neither of us seem to miss it although we don’t really talk about it either.
- How do you respond when your spouse wants to do something sexually, but you’re not comfortable? How do you not create a fight and/or rejection.
- What is the best way to handle to husband choosing porn/masturbation over physical intimacy?
- Is it healthy to encourage your husband to masturbate to nude photos of you if you can’t have sex or if it would be uncomfortable? (i.e. during your period or pregnancy/postpartum)
- If my husband has struggle in the past with porn, should I let him take photos of me? I’m not sure how I feel about that
What do I tell my husband who doesn’t think porn is wrong, and says “every guy does it”. - Do you think masturbation is a sin?
- My husband has been hooked on porn since he was a young boy. I feel like that affects his expectations of our sexual relationship. I know there should be a “give-and-take” in sex, but I just dont have those expectations like he does. So i often find myself trying to conform to what my husband needs/wants? Is this bad?
- What do you think about spouses masturbating (without the other spouse involved)?
- My boobs have been tender from pregnancy or used for breast feeding for approximately 32 years (ok 6. but it feels like longer) and they no longer feel ‘sexy’ to me. Hubby still likes them though….how do I get over this and back to enjoying them or get my husband to leave them alone?
- Everyone always says, “Moms are so tired,” and that’s why there’s a disinterest in sex. But that’s not the case for me. My kids sleep, I am well rested, and I still have zero interest. Ever. Not even on vacation when all stressors are gone. Wondering if this is a hormonal imbalance? A situational issue? Am I supposed to follow the “just do it!” mentality even if I really, really don’t want to? Help! -asexual mother of two
- How do you help a woman who doesn’t feel like having sex anymore (for all kinds of reasons: tired, it feels somewhat awkward now, another thing on to-do list, doesn’t want to get dirty if just showered earlier, ect) when her partner has a high libido and really wants it often?
- We’re trying to conceive and sex is becoming more of a job, i just want the end result of a baby. We try to “enjoy” and make things fun, but i just want a baby. Any tips?
- Men are always “ready to go”.. women are wired differently .. how do I explain to my husband I need a giant glass a wine and something new and fun to get me excited.
- What can be done about low libido caused by prescription medication or a health condition?
- What steps can you take if you’re so far gone in your desire to have sex that all you want is for it to be over with? (You do it because your spouse needs it).
- I have no sex drive at all since having my babies. Is this normal? How can I get it back?
- How do you handle it when one spouse wants sex more often than the other?
- How do you find time/energy for sex. I don’t like to get up before my husband goes to work to have sex and by the time the children go to bed, I’m done. I want to have down time and relax alone
- Is it normal to have no sex drive after becoming a mom?
- How do you keep intimacy alive after so many years?
- I’m so busy. When the children nap, i have 100 things to do and sex is the last thing on my mind. How can I desire my husband after having kids and no sex drive?
- What do you say to couples when one spouse is injured and has surgery and can’t have sex for a period of time but the other feels deprived?
- I was prescribed antidepressant for PPD and PPA after the birth of our child. It has helped tremendously but completely zapped any libido I could have had. Also with breastfeeding I just have zero desire to have sex. Any natural or breastfeeding safe supplement that could help?
- Is it normal for women to have to work really hard to achieve orgasm? I need direct stimulation on my clitoris to climax and when my husband’s penis is in my vagina it is not sexually stimulating for me. Do you have any pointers?
- How do I get my husband to understand women’s “pleasure spots” without offending him? It’s an awkward conversation.
- I have been married a couple of years and have never achieved an orgasm. My husband is frustrated thinking I should be able to through him on top. What do I do?
- I can have multiple orgasms, but it takes me using my husbands erect penis to stimulate my clitoris, in addition to his petting and kissing. Got any advice to help a woman like me?
- I can only climax through clitoral stimulation. Is this normal? Any tips/tricks where I can through penetration only?
- Why can’t I orgasm during sex?
- I haven’t orgasmed in a long time, but that doesn’t bother me. I like sex for the emotional connection. My husband thinks he has to get me there every time. Should I keep faking or be honest and tell him I just don’t need that?
- What can you do to build intimacy if trust has been broken?
- What if there is NO sex? I am starting to wonder if my husband is cheating?
- I was sexually assaulted at age 20 and I hate sex now. How do I “get over it”?
- One partner has a history of sexual abuse, the other partner’s love language is touch and that partner has been dishonest throughout their marriage- how can they move the needle to grow in meeting their needs for each other?
- My husband wants to try anal sex. Is this even biblical? Is my husband gay? What is the best way to handle your husbands anal obsession? I am NOT interested.
- Is anal sex between husband and wife ok ?
- I’ve heard that it’s not the most healthy thing for my husband to have rectal sex with me. Is that true?
- My husband desperately wants a butt plug sex toy for himself while we have sex. What sex toys are safe?
- Can Christians use sex toys or is it a sin?
- Are sex toys ok in Christian marriage?
- Are vibrators ok to add to your sex life?
- Best position for comfort and ease for both partners?
- Our sex life feels so boring lately. I’d love to spice it up but feel so weird introducing things. How can I do this in a comfortable way?
- My husband could have intercourse all the time with me if I would. I’m attracted to him and love him, but at the end of the day i just want to sleep. How can we spice it up?
- What positions can you recommend? We want to try something new.
- How do you go about talking about hygiene without hurting feelings?
- After having kids, my rectum is saggy and bulges into my vaginal cavity. It does not hurt or interfere with sex, but do you have any advice for fixing that?
- I struggle with unwanted thoughts during sex (fantasy type thoughts) I would never actually want to do what I’m thinking about but I feel dirty for even letting my mind go to these places. It’s hard not to. How do I work through this?
- Is it normal/a sin to dream about other men sexually? How do you stop them?
- Do you think contraceptives contribute to lowered sex drive?
- Husband kisses my ears while we do it- I’ve never really liked it but never said anything. How do I bring this up 8 years later?
- I have a hard time with sex because I feel like I am “dirty” for enjoying it. I think that shame comes from my childhood or teenage years… Yet I often find myself holding back because of that shame when my husband and I are being intimate. How can I overcome that guilt or shame and find the freedom to be myself and enjoy freely with my husband?
- Any tips for horrible gag reflex?
- What do you do when in the beginning of the relationship one spouse (the woman) used to perform by doing fun experimental things and faking orgasm and now they just have “normal” maybe even “boring” sex and the husband wants her to be the way she was before?
- As Christians are there things that are off limits within married sex (outside of porn and the other obvious subjects) I want to spice things up but feel guilty that what we’re doing isn’t biblical or God honoring.
- When I’ve brought up sex mundaneness before he took it as a huge insult. I wasn’t trying to offend his “abilities” but more along the lines of what ELSE could we be doing/trying.
- What do you do/say when young children begin exploring/touching themselves/masturbating?
- What if one partner is turned off by their partner?
- Spontaneous vs. scheduled sex
- How to turn my brain off to relax & enjoy sex
- How to increase my sexual desire
- Uncomfortable initiating sex – it feels like I’m pretending to be someone else
- How do you keep the spark alive post baby when your sex drive is down? – Also along those lines… will breastfeeding decrease your sex drive and will it come back? What if it doesn’t come back?
- Dealing with the rejected feeling when your husband says ‘no’ to sex as well as how to reject/disappoint your husband when you want to say ‘no’ kindly/gently
- What are the top three reasons people come to see you?
- What does a sex therapist do?
- How would you recommend getting out of a sex slump- if vacation sex is awesome, but home sex is dull- How can you improve the home sex? Obviously removing the kids (and their stress) isn’t the solution…
- How do women enjoy sex when orgasm isn’t possible through penetration?
- Do you think scheduling sexy time is a good thing for couples or not?
- How do you spice it up when your sex life is already pretty great?
- Is it normal for a married couple, who have sex a couple of times a week, to have their own “personal time” (secretly)?
- Best ways to have sex later in pregnancy? Ways to connect after having a baby?
- How do I pursue my husband sexually when he is frustrated/angry/depressed about work or business? He has told me that he wants me to pursue him, especially when he is struggling…but I have a hard time being “turned on” when I see him so down.
- How to handle differing sex drives. Husband – high drive…wife – not so much.
- My husband is addicted to porn (has been our entire marriage) and he gets upset when I share I have trust issues with him and when I suggest that we get “spy-ware”. How do I respect him but have boundaries to protect myself? He also doesn’t pursue sex with me and turns me down ½ the time that I ask…how can I emotionally connect with him, forgive him, and continue to pursue him so we can have a great sex life.
- Dealing with infertility and miscarriage…how to keep sex more than just a task to do when ovulating
- What is “ok” in marriage/sex…our sex life often involves being rough – light choking and such. Is this wrong as Christians? Both people are being satisfied and enjoying it.
- Husband NEVER initiates sex. He’s emotionally and intimately uninterested. While he claims he’s not interested, he still abstains. HELP! I try so many things yet no interest. Any ideas/suggestions? (just fyi: he’s NOT homosexual and NOT having an affair)
- Will it ever go back to what it was pre 3 babies again…where I enjoy my husband touching my breasts? Or are they forever changed?
- How do I relax/turn off my mind to get in the mood at the end of the day?
- What can be done about painful intercourse as you age?
- What is defined as “normal sex life”?
- Why can I not orgasm during sex?
- I like sex when we are actually having it…but I’m NEVER in the mood. Help!
- How do I initiate when my husband doesn’t want to plan ahead? He doesn’t like lingerie or any kind of sexy dancing etc He likes to initiate when I have already gotten in bed and am thinking we are going to sleep.
- I struggle to keep focused on enjoying sex because I think about women who are being trafficked, or being sold, or if something it getting dirty falling on the floor – hard to focus when I am not mentally prepared.
- Because Googling this would be real weird – are there any physical sex card games or board games that would help us change things up or get us to try something new?
- How do you want sex when you feel like your marriage is rocky?
- Does having a low thyroid contribute to low libido? How can I get more aroused for my husband when I’m not feeling into it?
- What do you do when your husband isn’t interested in sex. He doesn’t like taking meds to help with erections.
- I have been married for four years and have never had an orgasm. Do you have any recommendations?
- If your spouse has a history of sexual abuse, what can you do to encourage them to seek help, tell their family or deal with the abuse?
- How can I get him to want sex more than 1 (one) time a month?
What do you suggest for painful sex? - I have no sex drive after having my daughter and then a miscarriage. I have pain during ovulation after my daughter…period worse after child as well.
- How can I feel more intimate towards my husband? How can I feel more sexy?
- Do all women have difficulty having orgasms after having kids? Why?
- What are some simple ways to make sex more fun? (excluding sex toys)
- We have been married for 10 years – how can we spice things up?
- I recently had a baby and have ZERO libido. Is this a normal hormonal issue?
- What is the normal amount of sex for a couple to have per week?
- Is there anything to be done to increase sex drive that is non-existent as side effect of medication?
- My husband likes it rough but I want more romance and emotional intimacy when we are having sex. Any suggestions? I often feel nervous because few times I have felt unsafe. He wants me to do things that I’m not comfortable with.
- Is there a “healthy”/ “happy couple” number when it comes to how often you have sex? It seems to vary so much between all of my friends (all have young kids)
- Is it healthier to stop debating and/or walk out of the room when having an argument (clearly not going to agree) or to keep going until it’s resolved?
- When you don’t see eye to eye on a topic involving your kids- what is the best way to handle this? Most of the big topics we seem to be on the same page (before we even had kids), but then things come up that you never thought about and didn’t realize that you wouldn’t agree with your spouse on it. How do you handle that without sending mixed messages to our children?
- How do you know when it’s really time to call it over?
- How do you trust again or move on after infidelity?
- How much should you share with your husband about your in laws? My mother in law always seems to insult me or put me in competition with her daughter/my SIL and it’s frustrating for me, but I don’t know how much to share with my husband about this bc I don’t want him to feel bad either.