One thing I hear from married men is a longing for their wife to be more sexually aggressive.
While I understand this desire – I think it’s flawed. Being sexually aggressive is not in most woman’s DNA. And it’s from a skewed view of how sex actually plays out in marriage.
Now before you over-react … hear me out.
I (like many other men) received my initial sex-education through pornography. And this education started early for me.
Women can be (and are) very sexual.
But they are nothing like what is depicted in porn.
The essence of porn – a woman who derives sexual pleasure by giving the man pleasure, and, here’s the key, everything he does is absolutely great! What you don’t see in porn is anything that needs to be negotiated or a woman having and seeking any needs of her own. Plus, you’ll never hear a woman in porn say “Honey, I don’t like that.” “Could you stop, I’m just not in the mood.” “Could you take a shower first?”
In real life, off the screen this distorted view wreaks havoc in the marriage bed – and the path towards it each day.
For my wife the stage was set for trouble long before we met – there’s no way she could live up to what I thought was supposed to happen. And my view cut straight to the heart of her fears and insecurities.
Women are caught between mixed messages – Age defying beauty. Look and feel sexy all the time. Accentuate this part of you, hide this other part of you.
Trouble is, these messages magnify the “worst in her.”
It’s the “worst in her” that knows she can be sexually aggressive to get a man to want her, or do things for her. Things like making graphic sexual statements or dressing in far too revealing and enhancing clothing.
The underlying drive for this is usually insecurity.
In married life, she may not believe her husband could be attracted to her just as she is, so she uses her sexuality to boost her self-image. But this boosting is contingent on the responses she gets from those around her, not from a place deep within.
The flip side of this is the woman who uses her sexuality from an open, present state. She will send signals she’s present and receptive to her husband and is available to his sexual advance. She doesn’t try to be overtly sexual, instead she gives signals of her interest and receptivity. Things like making eye contact, smiling, touching his arm, leaning in to him, but she leaves it to her husband to take the lead, set the tone, and take action.
This woman isn’t trying to be liked by flaunting body parts or being sexually aggressive. She knows her worth – and it’s not based on a man’s response.
An open, present woman is very seductive and sexy because she’s engaged in the interactions for herself, not just to appease or get her husband off her back.
Yes, a woman can be sexually aggressive, but it comes from a place deep within – it’s not something she does to feel better about herself. Her sexuality is a sharing of herself. An act of giving – and receiving – freely out of love (this same thing applies to men as well).
Put another way.
The person operating from the “worst in themselves” is acting from a place of feeling inadequate and having to resort to sexual manipulation for validation and connection.
The person operating from the “best in themselves” is acting from a place of self-respect, confidence, oneness, and self-love.
It’s the “worst in us” that I hope we will recognize and grow beyond.
The worst in us is insecure, volatile, and emotionally reactive.
Marriages run from the “best in us” create people with a solid-flexible self, capable of handling each other’s emotions, and responsible for their own role in relationships. These marriages build a life of trust because they genuinely know each other and can then be seductive with each other.
Where are you?
My suggestion:
Husbands: Quit looking at porn and fantasizing about being seduced by an overt, sexually aggressive woman. Like Pavlov’s dog, you are conditioning your brain to respond only to the kind of woman you’ve created in your fantasies.
You might also want to explore why you feel so insecure that you need an unconscious, insecure woman to validate you with sexual attention.
Wives: Recognize that your beauty is not something put on – it’s something unveiled. It’s found in the strength of your soul. The love that flows from the heart.
