Originally posted March 9, 2010.
Do you know what it feels like to have your spouse do you – not just bringing you to orgasm or have intercourse – but really do you?
Do you know what it feels like to do your spouse?
The fine art of doing and being done.
At it’s core is power. And the fact is that negotiating power is part of every human relationship.
Almost everything in our society teaches equity, so do many therapists. The message they try to get across is this: the ideal partner is to be one of absolute equality in every area of the relationship.
I’ve got news for you – equity has no place when it comes to eroticism. The ability to take your partner (or be taken by them) embodies a lusty, lascivious eagerness for pleasure. This isn’t crudeness – quite the opposite – it’s a deliberate intent to arouse (and satisfy) passion.
If you’re one of the many who’ve yet to experience this level of passion and eroticism in marriage, or if you’ve had a taste of it but it faded over time, don’t worry. For most people, the eroticism and level of passion I’m talking about ripens in later life.
It involves tapping into the male and female energy found in a couple’s union. The Yin and the Yang, to use Eastern terms. When you tap into this within yourself and your spouse, you form the energy loop that Tantric sex has focused on for centuries.
This energy creates the “follow the connection” types of sexual encounters. The times when you feel like your spouse “knows” you completely and can send you over the edge whenever they choose to do so. In essence, they have power over you – and wielding this power produces an erotic pleasure within themselves.
Many people in our culture are afraid of this power. It’s labeled as bad or something dirty. It’s something Nice Guys and Nice Girls would never do.
But, it’s an aspect of every one of us.
So how do you reach this level of eroticism and sexual passion?
The short answer is grow up and develop this part of you.
For many people, this part of themselves is yet to be born.
If you think it has reached maturity in you, answer me this: When your partner really ticks you off, how do you react? Can you lovingly and passionately integrate the anger and aggression you feel towards your spouse and turn it into something useful and life-giving ? Or are you more likely to react to the anger and do anything you can to get away from your spouse? Can the fact that your spouse is different and separate from you be a turn on rather than a turn off?
Fully creating this part in your life involves learning how to acknowledge the aggression and anger towards your spouse (which is in all of us), soothing yourself, mastering yourself, and “growing” through the discomfort.
When we climb into bed with our spouse, we each carry different expectations, hopes, plans, and passions to the experience about to unfold.
Let’s face it, on a basic biological level men and women are different. Arousal, pleasure, eroticism, power, even orgasms are different.
Many men can be quite envious of a woman’s orgasm. Look at the differences between us, when a man has an orgasm, while the feeling is great it seems to pale in comparison to a woman’s. A woman is capable of full body orgasms. It seems to pulsate like waves throughout her entire body. Plus, and the biggest source of male envy, a woman is capable of wave after wave. A man has to have some recovery time. Just look at the different faces and expressions between the two sexes and you’ll get confirmation of the difference.
So rather than focus on the differences that separate you and your spouse, what if you brought more of yourself to the party? And they brought more of themselves?
Could you handle that?
Many of you will quickly reply … yes!
Think about it this way, to my male readers, can you really handle a full grown woman? One who knows what she wants sexually and how she wants it? A woman in touch with her raw, animalistic nature? This will require more of you, perhaps MUCH more of you! It may mean that after you’ve experienced your orgasm you have to stay around for hers. It may me you have to submit to her power, or you have to over-power her and truly take her.
And to my female readers, are you ready for a full grown man? Someone in touch with his power, or what Robert Bly refers to as the deep male? A man in tune with his raw, animalistic nature? This too, will require more of you.
If you’re interested in creating this part of you and your relationship, here’s a few ideas to help get you started. Realize however, that this developing takes time and growth to be fully born out in your life and marriage.
- Slow down. This is the number one thing I tell every couple I work with when it comes to sex. I understand the desire to rush things, because the longer the process of sex lasts, the more likely some things will surface within you that are uncomfortable. Slow down. When the discomfort within you arises, face it head on.
- Breathe. Much like the previous point, spend some time throughout the entire process just breathing. Focus on your breathing, and matching your partner’s breathing.
- Speak up, but not with words. Use your body. Your movements. Your power. Watch each other feel the process. And let yourself be seen. Use words when needed for direction, but also use moans, groans … you get the idea.
Surrendering and growing into this part of you is no simple matter. Doing your spouse, or allowing yourself to be done, involves “standing on your own two feet.” It’s not forcing yourself on your spouse – it’s a letting go with your spouse.
Tapping into eroticism and new levels of passion requires tremendous personal integrity. It takes a great deal of integrity to face head on the demands and challenges of exploring your sexual potential.
But you know what? Every one of us has some untapped sexual potential just waiting to be discovered.
You can place two violins next to each other, pluck the string on one of them and the corresponding string on the other violin will vibrate. It recognizes its own wave. Marriage and sex can be the same. You and your spouse can resonate with each other, creating your own music together.
So what do you say? Don’t just make music with your spouse, create a symphony together!
David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage
Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
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